There’s a lot of talk today about leadership in business. We hear about emotional intelligence, creating positive work environments, and not taking your pants off. But what really makes a great leader? A new scientific study has surprising results that will make you reconsider your trite misconceptions about how to be in charge and get real results. These seven tactics must be used to succeed in today’s business world.
1. Showing your balls both figuratively and literally. The practice of “hanging brains,” or surreptitiously letting your balls out of your pants as you walk around, can up morale and show staff that you are in charge.
2. Using corporal punishment on employees. Just like in prison, take the biggest (in this case, the best or most productive employee) and make an example of him/her right away. Carry a paddle or another instrument of terror and call a meeting where you deliver a smackdown no one will ever forget. After this, no one will question your authority.
3. Suggesting office orgies. Just suggest them. Don’t plan them. See if someone else is up for doing that.
4. Screaming. This is perhaps the most underrated tactic for presenting leadership. To get your point across, simply get really really close to someone’s face and scream. Your point will be taken.
5. Soliciting gifts from employees. Letting your staff know what you like or need is important to being a leader. So drop hints constantly about objects you’d like them to give you, like an expensive watch, for instance. First one to pony up avoids number three, above.
6. Threatening to “fucking murder” a disappointing employee “execution style” if he/she doesn’t change. Don’t get us wrong. We’re not suggesting actually murdering anyone because this is, apparently, illegal. However, threatening murder is not as highly enforced and many employees will not consider calling the cops or human resources. After all, they want to keep their jobs, right?
7. Getting sloppy drunk and giving speeches. This doesn’t just have to be at office parties. It can be any time. Make sure your speeches are given to totally captive audiences, preferably after five p.m. and in a conference room where no one can walk out, for fear of number 3, 6, or 8 above happening. Keep the speech very loose and don’t worry about tangents or repeating yourself. You’re just getting to know your team and letting them know what’s important to you, again and again.
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