As an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report, I’m often asked to write about my opinion. I always joke that opinions are like blueprints for sex machines you can’t figure out how to build because you’re the one who came up with the blueprints and don’t really what a blueprint is—everyone’s got one!
Anyway… This week I thought I’d delve into something that’s been on my mind for quite a while and that’s the fact that people won’t give me their money.
It's a complicated subject that really shouldn’t be complicated. To make it as simple as possible, I’ll just say this: You should give me your money. But, in case that isn’t simple enough for you, I’ve listed eleven iron-clad reasons why you should. Please read them. Then give me your money.
1. Most of the great ideas of the last ten or twenty years were originally mine but I never said anything. Instead, I just let people go on and make money off them. I never asked for royalties, recognition, or even free stuff. I just sucked it up and watched everyone get rich. Now I’m here to cash in and take my cut of just like maybe 10% of the Gross Domestic Product, whatever that is.
2. Sometimes, when people do give me their money, they think I am mugging them because I often grab them and say, “Give me your fucking money!” I want to go on the record that the people who gave it to me because they thought I was threatening them should now come out and give me more money, but this time just because they want to.
3. There are a lot of things you can invest your money in. I’m better than that. Mostly because I offer zero percent return on your investment. Think about it. You no longer need to worry about whether your money is “making you money” because that doesn’t even sound like it makes sense anyway. Instead of the stress and anxiety of whatever making money on an investment is, you could just hand it to me and be done with it.
4. Sometimes, when I ask for peanut butter, I accidentally say “Penis Butter.” Am I the only one who does that?
5. Unlike people who need money, I just want it. That is a more pure vision than those other people. Need is begging. Want is being in charge. Put me in charge of your money.
6. There is an ancient prophecy that foretells that anyone who gives me money will make tenfold the amount they gave me. It also says that when you do make all that extra money, I will show up and ask for it. So try to make like twenty-fold, so you’ll have something left over.
7. You don’t have to just give me cash. Right now, I’m really into music royalties, back end movie money, and digital art. If you have any of those, please don’t be embarrassed to give them to me instead.
8. Even if you don’t have a lot of money, every little bit counts. Only have a hundred bucks? Twenty bucks? I’ll take whatever. Just don’t tell me you don’t have at least twenty fucking dollars because that’s a fucking lie.
9. I communicate with animals and they all tell me you should give me money. Have a dog or cat or some other animal living in your house that you think loves you? That same pet just told me they will never go to heaven unless you give me your money. The universe is cruel, I know.
10. Money is fake anyway. It’s really like giving me air and me saying, “Thanks for the fake nothing.” Only instead you’re handing me hundred-dollar bills and gold coins.
11. Penis spelled backwards is sinep. My dog told me to write that. It means absolutely nothing but he makes me do shit like that so I’ll look crazy. What a dick.
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