Recruiters will throw away your résumé if you use any of these ten phrases.

First impressions matter, and in a job hunt your best foot forward may be your résumé. It’s the embodiment of who you are professionally and gives employers a streamlined view of what you bring to the table. 
 
Some say it’s a superficial document that doesn’t show a candidate’s true potential, but it is still a recruiter’s most valuable tool in weeding out those who just aren’t going to fit. The Intergalactic Business Report worked with* a local recruiter to find out what dissuades her from hiring a prospective employee.
 
We were surprised to learn from her that there are ten phrases that almost automatically eliminate job seekers from contention. We list them below:
 
1. “Attention overpaid fucksticks.”  

2. “This is ___ from the Intergalactic Business Report.” 

3. “I am watching you as I write this.” 

4. “Please be aware that I am in control now and you must comply to my every wish and command.” 

5. “I’m wondering if the position you posted is still as open as my butthole.” 

6. “If so, I’m coming in for an interview at wherever you live at a time of my choosing.” 

7. “That time is usually between 3 and 4 am and it involves me breaking in through the window well in your basement.” 

8. “My required pay is zero dollars and four human souls.” 

9. “I think I just shit myself.” 

​10. “I think I just shat myself because I’m using grammar.” 
 
 
*We sent her a résumé and she sent the cops to our office.

IBR MERCH