Remote work has increased American masturbation rate by 9000%. Believe it or not, that’s not a good thing.

A portrait of pre-masturbation America.

In a report that can only be described as “seemingly great news that turns dark quickly” the Intergalactic Business Report has learned that America’s masturbation rate has increased to all-time high levels, which could also prove dangerous for the future of our country.
 
While most people are initially thrilled to learn that Americans are outpacing all other countries with not only per capita but also total masturbation, science is predicting some potentially threatening ramifications from this success. 
 
Below, we break down for our readers how this crisis is playing out and what they can do about it.*
 
 
ORIGINS
COVID-19 appeared in the U.S. in the early months of 2020, initiating a nationwide shutdown of non-essential businesses, including educational institutions and restaurants. Many traditional office environments shifted to remote work and meetings, while schools offered completely online curricula. Several minutes after this happened, people starting whacking it harder than ever before.
 
HISTORIC MASTURBATION RECORDS BROKEN
To get an idea of the masturbation rate in a normal year, picture someone going to work all day with limited opportunities to whip out his junk and beat his meat stick. A typical American worker would probably be able to pull off one or maybe two meat beatings before returning home and perhaps jacking it once or twice more before succumbing to sleep. This masturbation rate would be calculated by scientists as about 3.2, meaning the average U.S. worker pounds his dong 3.2 times in a day. The rate today is 28,800, an increase of almost 9,000 percent.
 
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
Generally, most Americans found that when they weren’t required to go into work, they could masturbate indefinitely. No train rides. No commutes. No in-person meetings. Just pure whacking off. All. The. Time.
 
HOW HAVE OTHER COUNTRIES FARED?
Most other nations saw a drop in masturbations compared with the United States. Germany, for instance, went from a .06 to a .02, while Japan** went from 30,436 to 27,600, just below us. Health officials attribute this to better planning and government action during the COVID crisis. 

WHAT DOES A HIGH MASTURBATION RATE MEAN?
If you jack yourself almost thirty thousand times a day, you will probably die or at least shave your genitals down to nothing, thus eliminating normal reproduction and causing an extinction event for your nation.
 
IS THAT BAD?
It could be. Some experts believe that holding the all-time masturbation record is more important than continuing the human race. It’s a matter of perspective and what you hold most important as a culture.
 
GROUPS THAT INCREASED THE RATE MOST
Unemployed waiters led all Americans, but other groups such as Sunglass Hut employees and Jack in the Box*** executives were close behind.
 
 
* We don’t really have that information. Sorry.
** Japanese workers were allowed to masturbate at work before the pandemic.
*** Not the restaurant chain.

click for more scientific studies