Conventional news sources will report endlessly on the stock market crash by giving readers useless headlines about falling numbers and bleak forecasts for the future. The Intergalactic Business Report offers its readers a different story they can feel good about. Today we outline the seven reasons the stock market crash could be good news for you.
1. Instead of constantly worrying about how your 401K plan is doing, now you can just sit back and know that it totally sucks.
2. You can once again truly enjoy dinner because usually you just take it for granted that you can afford to eat.
3. You still have your penis/vagina/whatever. Cherish it.
4. If you’ve ever been fascinated by what it was like to live in the middle ages, you might get a chance.
5. No matter how bad it gets out there, you still know how to play with yourself. Nobody can take that away.
6. Air doesn’t cost money. Breathe. Unless the air quality sucks where you live. In that case, stay inside. Unless you lost your home. Then, we guess, breathe the stanky air outside.
7. When you’re broke, alcohol tastes better.
The only business news in the universe that matters.