Six alarming facts that prove money is everything.

Every time you see your “best” friend get a promotion, buy a new summer house, or drive up in his sick new ride, you tell yourself that money isn’t everything. And that makes you feel better. For a second. Till you see him drive away in his Lambo to the coast for a beach bonfire party at his ocean view mansion. Then you feel sick. The surprising reason for your nausea is the topic of an exclusive investigation by the Intergalactic Business Report.

It turns out that money is everything, contrary to your fleeting and unrealistic attempt to rationalize your poorness. Don’t believe us? Consider these six facts:

1. Money provides you shelter, food, and entertainment. In contrast, your positive attitude, hopefulness, and kindness provide an empty void of nothingness that benefits no one and is swept away like a gnat in the wind.

2. Money pays for things that make us feel great about ourselves. Picture yourself drinking a huge fruity cocktail in a penthouse as you look down on the ant people beneath you. Money bought that. Fake pretending that you have it all because you've got “love” buys you a spot in a homeless shelter. If you get there on time.

3. Money can be used to influence, bribe, and change people’s minds about virtually anything. Example: Do you hate me? How about after I give you a million dollars? That’s what I thought. Now try this: Hate me? How about after I try to hug you with some of my “love”? Oh, you hate me more? We rest our case…

4. Money can make us better people. Think about it. How much does plastic surgery cost? How about private trainers, charm tutors, and a college education? Try doing any of that on a crossing guard’s salary.

5. Money makes waiters and waitresses wait on you. Do you think they’d be so nice and bring you food if you didn’t pay them? Now go eat some of your “love” and tell us how it tastes. Like shit? We thought so.

6. “Love” costs money. Remember the term “free love”? That was bullshit. Example: Do you love me? No? How about for a million dollars? Oh, you do now? Again, case rested.