Study: America’s least productive people are becoming even less productive. What it means for America.

Blame it on COVID. Blame it on technology. Blame it on the rain. America’s economy, once based on hard work and enterprise, has turned towards figuring out what you can stick up your butt while you forget it’s a weekday and you’re supposed to be at work but who cares.
 
The Intergalactic Business Report’s new study on worker productivity delivers some key, never-before-seen takeaways on employee behaviors:
 
Key findings from the IBR study on worker productivity. 
 
1. Peter Henning has missed so much work that he has what doctors are calling “self-targeted dementia” in which someone forgets what he does for a living by simply never doing anything for a living. 

2. Randy Sevenier called in sick for six weeks straight. Most people don’t remember what his face looks like. This gives him almost total anonymity outside of the office and he never has to worry about running into “somebody from work” when he’s out, just fucking around somewhere. 

3. Sarah Tarkanian just sits there. Doing nothing. All day. And yet the world hasn’t ended.  

4. Ellis Dewstrap used to take steamy dumps that missed most of the toilet. Now he barely shows up for work and when he does, he tends to just piss on the floor. 

5. Rhoda Day was the woman who cleaned the men’s bathrooms after hours. She just cleans up pee instead of poop on the floor now. That seems like a good thing.  

6. Phil Ratuliak, who claims he works 60 hours a week but is actually hiding in his office watching videos on how to suck his own dick has now learned how to suck his own dick, proving that spending sixty hours a week watching a video on how to suck your own dick can lead to actually learning how to suck your own dick, which is good, right?  

7. Eustacius Briggs died in 1883. His productivity is zero.  

8. Marvin DeRobbins feels his nutsack every thirty minutes and does it for maybe 30 seconds. That means in a year he probably handles his nuts for around 520 minutes. That’s like 8 ½ hours. What the fuck? 

9. Trish Newhouse, who goes to lunch every day at eleven o’clock and returns just before the office closes has been kidnapped. Probably. Nope, there she is. It’s 5 o’clock.  

10. Derrek Fogarty filed a worker’s comp claim because he masturbated too hard at his desk and broke his dick or something. Now he can only beat off with a special glove. His productivity level for jacking off is unheard of. His productivity level for work is also unheard of, because no one has ever heard of him doing anything but tugging his rope all day. 

11. Turns out Derrek Fogarty is not even an employee. There was a whole, “I thought you hired him. I didn’t hire him” thing going on. 

​12. This article was due to editors in July of 2021. 

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