Supply chain expert tells you the one item you seriously need to stockpile. Clue: It’s not hand sanitizer or toilet paper!
By now you’ve seen the images of empty toilet paper shelves at grocery stores all over the nation. The Intergalactic Business Report sat down with an anonymous supply chain expert who issues a warning to all Americans about what items they need to store more than anything else.
INTERVIEWER: First, I want to thank you for sitting down with us during this pandemic. I hope I’m keeping my distance to you at six feet! Ha ha ha.
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: (Laughs uncontrollably). That’s so fucking funny.
INTERVIEWER: Yes. Well, we try to keep a sense of humor with these really dark times.
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: I was kidding about that being funny.
INTERVIEWER: Wow. Your kidding about that is funny.
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Thanks. When I was in high school, I was the funny guy.
INTERVIEWER: Seriously? Like class clown or whatever?
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: No.
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: That’s right. No.
INTERVIEWER: You weren’t really funny?
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: No, I was super funny. I just wasn’t actually voted “class clown.”
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: What? Why are you saying “Oh…”?
INTERVIEWER: Just because usually the funniest guy… Like the actual funniest guy in the school is named class clown. If you were really funny, then why didn’t everyone vote for you?
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Because there was some dick who everyone thought was funnier I guess, but his humor was super dumb, like he’d fart and then wave the fart vapor at people and they’d laugh.
INTERVIEWER: That’s pretty funny.
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Waving fart vapor at people?
INTERVIEWER: I guess I find it funny.
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Then you’d probably vote for Andy Trank too.
INTERVIEWER: His name was Andy Trank?
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Yeah. What a stupid fucking name, right?
INTERVIEWER: No. I think it’s an awesome name. If you got to name yourself, wouldn’t you want to be called Andy Trank?
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Fuck no. Why would you ever want to be named that?
INTERVIEWER: Because it’s awesome.
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: You know what? I kind of feel like since the beginning of this interview you’ve been a total dick. Like you have something against me.
INTERVIEWER: I think it’s the opposite.
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Yeah, maybe. I mean, there’s something about you I can’t stand.
INTERVIEWER: Like the fact that I had sex with your mom?
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: What?
INTERVIEWER: Why don’t you just tell me what I need to stockpile or whatever you were supposed to tell me.
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Toilet paper.
INTERVIEWER: No way.
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: Yeah. Get as much toilet paper as you can.
INTERVIEWER: That’s what you came here to tell us? That we should stockpile toilet paper?
SUPPLY CHAIN EXPERT: When the shit goes down, you need to wipe your ass, right?
INTERVIEWER: Maybe I’ll ask your mom to wipe my ass with her face.
At this point, the interview ended abruptly, and our supply chain expert became violent and broke the six-foot barrier we required as part of the interview conditions. Buy toilet paper, we guess.
The only business news in the universe that matters.