The 5 secrets the ultra-wealthy use to manage their time. (And why you are poor because you don't use them.)

Did you get up this morning and not know what day it is? Do you regularly miss your own birthday or forget to wash yourself? Do you write lists and then accidentally use them as toilet paper? 
 
If you answered yes to any of these, or even spent time reading them, you are probably not ultra-rich. We won’t get into how poor you are, but once you’re below a certain level, it doesn’t really matter. Let’s just call the cut off to being ultra-rich is if you have to lease your yacht. In your case, you probably lease your car, so… You get the point.
 
The Intergalactic Business Report has uncovered astounding new evidence that your poorness and lack of success come almost one hundred percent from poor time management. That’s right. All the stuff we listed in the first paragraph plus all the other dumb things you do to waste your life when you could be lapping up luxury. 
 
The good news is that we reveal the five secrets to time management that can change you from total loser to one of the richest humans on the planet. Do these and watch the instant results.
 
1. Have a butler or assistant who “controls” time for you. Many super wealthy people take the guess work out of time management by having a “timekeeper” who watches clocks and reminds them, constantly, about appointments and commitments they need to keep. These can be as small as going to the bathroom or as big as getting drunk with friends on a non-leased yacht. 

2. Have a watch with so many diamonds that it constantly draws your attention. Very rich people often have jewel-encrusted watches, which are so amazing looking that it’s almost impossible to keep your eyes off them. The great news is that these watches also tell time. So, when you gaze over at your $750,000 (minimum) time piece, see what the clock on it says. Now you’re keeping track of what hour and minute it is in your day and can tell, for instance, that your servant is ten minutes late bringing your caviar or feeding your exotic beast with a platinum collar. 

3. Bribe officials to change the world time by a few minutes here or there. If you’re really late for something, or if you just want to fuck with the universe, there’s always the option of bribing the people who keep official world time. Only the super wealthy have the ability to locate them, but for enough money they will set everyone’s clocks forward or backward several minutes. If you’ve ever thought you were on time for something and then suddenly realized you’re super fucking late or super fucking early, it’s probably because a rich guy called in a time change. 

4. Put yourself in a position where all the things you need to get done are done by other people. This brilliant technique is applied by mega-rich people every day. The trick is to pay people to do everything and anything that may be on your “to do” list. That way, it’s their responsibility to keep track of time and deadlines.  
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5. Have so much money that if you are late or miss a deadline you can just tell everybody to fuck themselves and it won’t matter. This one’s pretty self-explanatory, but we’ll give an example. Say that Derk von Frunchenstein (a zillionaire) tells a company board that he’s going to be at their nine a.m. meeting on October twelfth. He doesn’t show up. The board asks why he wasn’t there. He says, “go fuck yourselves.” They say, “O.K.”