Having trouble breaking through to family members when you want to complain, apologize, or just nag them about something? The Intergalactic Business Report gives you the solution to all your family problems. Just send a corporate-style memo like the samples below:
At the Ratuliak household, we always strive to deliver you a better family experience. We are therefore sorry to hear about your recent complaint regarding Phil. Thank you for bringing to our attention that he had seven beers last night and fell asleep in a reclining chair after swearing something at you and the dog. I will be personally speaking to him about this incident in my own head, since I am Phil, and will make sure we work harder to bring you the kind of life you imagined when you married him.
I should note that in recent conversations with Phil, he has alleged that several months ago you passed out at a wedding reception after drinking much more than seven beers. In addition, Jeff says that unlike the recliner in your living room, where he lost consciousness, you blacked out while sitting on a rented chair in a banquet hall. Further, he tells me that before you expired, you screamed, “Waitress better get me another drink or I’m gonna kill a bitch.”
While this in no way excuses Phil’s behavior last night, it kind of doesn’t even look that bad compared to the sorry shit you pulled at that wedding, right? I mean, he fell asleep on a chair.
Phil Ratuliak, Manager, Ratuliak household.
We are sorry to hear about the recent “dutch oven” incident involving your wife, Heather. The bedding at the Haverstead residence is meant to be completely fart free and trapping you underneath a blanket while she released a vapor of her own excrement was totally uncalled for and inappropriate.
We will point out, however, that this attack on you was preceded by an endless amount of your own bullshit, so in many ways, one could argue that not only did you have this coming, but you probably deserve a dutch oven every night you are stupid enough to close your eyes in bed while your wife holds in her gas till you fall asleep.
Heather Haverstead, Management team at the Haverstead family.
As the only canine member of the Johnson Team, we appreciate your ongoing loyalty and dedication. We also understand there are many cultural differences between dogs and humans. We recognize and celebrate these. We must, however, insist that you immediately cease your practice of taking shits on the living room floor in the middle of the night.
We feel the other team members have given you sufficient opportunities to relieve yourself outdoors, including at times as late as midnight. When given these opportunities, our management team feels you have a reluctance to use them to their full potential. In other words, you look at us as if to say, “Why are we out here? I don’t need to crap at all.”
And yet, when you are brought inside, you seem to wait patiently till the entire management team is asleep. Then you poop on the Johnson Persian rug, which cost us like seven grand. Because of your defiant behavior, we have no choice but to assign you to a cage in the management office bedroom where you will spend each night confined till you can learn to adhere to the strict not shitting in the house rules that we all abide by.
Jeff Johnson, Team Leader at the Johnson house.
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