The three email fails you should absolutely never make (but most of us do daily…)

1. Don’t ever end an email by saying, “Fuck off, fuckmouth.” “Fuck off,” followed by most other insults is usually fine. Just don’t use the term “fuckmouth” because it’s considered very offensive by some people.  

2. Don’t start an email by saying, “Wassup, hoes?” Hoes are used for gardening. Just say “Sup, hookers?” or “Read this, dumb mother fuckers!” These are more polite, will engage the reader, and make him or her think, “O.K., this sounds important.” 

3. Never confess to crimes, even ones you didn’t actually commit. Just a bad move in general, because you’ve basically admitted to doing something against the law, signed it, and it now can be used as evidence against you. And yet, we do this almost every day when we email.