When you’re at work, you want to be the best fake person you can possibly be. But all too often you unwittingly fail by committing any of these ten errors in presenting yourself to your colleagues, bosses, or clients.
To help get your fakeness back on track, the Intergalactic Business Report uncovers what you’re doing that’s holding you back. Change these today or have your job go away.
ERROR ONE: You hold four-hour-long séances in the break room where you try to contact the ghost of the sandwich you ate last week.
ERROR TWO: When your boss asks you if you have a report ready, you pull out your penis, look down, and say, “Yes. It’s ready.”
ERROR THREE: You hide in coat closets and then hand people their coats when they’re ready to leave. When Janice forgot to grab her coat one Friday, you spent the weekend in there, waiting…
ERROR FOUR: At the office Halloween party, you fill your pants with apples and try to hold a bobbing contest.
ERROR FIVE: Every time Brett from accounting asks for your receipts, you start speaking a fake, offensive, Chinese-sounding language until he just walks away.
ERROR SIX: You consider your scrotum a pet and let it out on “bring your pet to the office” day.
ERROR SEVEN: You adore Steve from sales so much that you announce to everyone that you’re formally adopting him, even though he’s older than you and has complained to HR that you keep appearing in the back seat of his car. You continue on with the adoption process anyway.
ERROR EIGHT: People aren’t allowed in the bathroom unless they can answer one of your riddles or wrestle you down. And you don’t even know the answers to your riddles anymore because you ran out of good ones and just make stuff up now like: “What’s bigger than a breadbox but also exactly the same size as a breadbox?”
ERROR NINE: You call emergency meetings and when everyone gets there you just ask, “Who’s ready to jam?” And then you wait…
ERROR TEN: You’ve decided that you will speak Klingon and that everyone needs to adapt to this change. Only you don’t speak Klingon and when some IT guys try to speak it to you, you just have to grunt and kind of pretend you agree with whatever they’re saying.
The only business news in the universe that matters.