As more Americans consider the true cost of education, an astounding new study by the Intergalactic Business Report confirms that getting a university business degree may not be cost-effective when compared to these nine alternatives.
Should you spend tens of thousands of dollars studying four years (or more) at college? Or should you consider getting one of these instead?
1. An original Rembrandt painting.
One of these can go for as much as $33 million dollars. The cost of an elite college education could be as much as $400,000 when you add in housing and food. Even if your first job out of college paid $100,000 a year, it would take you almost 350 years to make as much as the painting. Winner: Rembrandt painting. Loser: college education.
2. A businessman who works just for you and who is also a multi-billionaire.
Why go to school to learn business when you can have a guy who went there for you? Now he works for you and you just sit there or go on expensive vacations or watch t.v. or whatever. Since he’s a multi-billionaire and basically belongs to you, you can just request that he writes you checks and signs over all his business holdings so that they are now yours. This is the epitome of “street smarts” over “book smarts.”
3. A monkey who makes counterfeit money better than the best counterfeiters in the world.
While this one is technically “illegal,” the monkey doesn’t understand what it’s doing so that provides you some kind of excuse when you get busted. It’s probably best, in fact, that you and the monkey don’t discuss anything at all about how he’s coming up with all the cash. The less you know the better. Just take the money and then keep taking it. When the feds arrive it’s just you and a monkey. And a bunch of money. Act like you don’t know what’s going on, which you won’t as long as you never ask the monkey where he’s getting the hundred-dollar bills.
4. A re-usable lottery ticket that’s always right.
If you can get your hands on one of these it can be worth a lot of money because every time there’s a lottery, you can just use this ticket and win. Some lotteries can be worth hundreds of millions of dollars. So why go to college?
5. A golden penis that can be melted down and sold for money.
Just make sure it isn’t your penis, because then it will be gone after you melt it down. Also, make sure it’s huge, because a small penis may only be a few ounces, which won’t really get you a lot of money. This is, admittedly, one of the riskier options if you decide not to go to business school.
6. Three million dollars.
A lot of people ask, “Why not four million dollars?” or even five? We think three million.
7. A sonic trumpet that emits a world-deafening noise every time you play it.
Just say, “Hey, I’ll stop playing it if you give me like 80 trillion dollars” and see what the world leaders do. If you went to business school instead, you’d probably be asking your boss for a raise and he’d tell you about a bunch of shit you need to “work on” first.
8. A silver penis that can be melted down and sold for money.
Similar to number 5 (above), this is the same thing only with a less valuable metal. So make sure the dick is super super big to make up for the difference.
9. A ghost pirate who can walk through walls and threaten people.
There’s still something scary about pirates and ghosts and if you can get one of these guys on your side, he can approach almost anyone (because he can walk through their walls) and make them miserable. Then you can tell those people that you can control the pirate and they’ll be like, “O.K. How much do you want to call him off?” and you just smile and pass them a piece of paper with a number on it and wait for them to look shocked but then agree.
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