Instead of giving you yet another pointless interview with a lame, self-important CEO of a company you don’t even care about, the Intergalactic Business Report breaks journalistic barriers by talking to a CEO’s penis instead.
Our radical experiment began when we approached more than 75 corporate heads in parking lots and garages as they were trying to leave work. Most of them were too short-sighted and non-visionary to accept our proposal. Then we found a man who agreed to our terms after we promised to pay for his drinks that evening. Sometime around 3 a.m., we finally began this ground-breaking interview.
The insights garnered from this discussion will not only enlighten you about business in America but will also capture your heart. Here’s what a CEO penis had to say.
INTERVIEWER: So, I guess I’ll start off by saying that I’ve never interviewed a penis before.
CEO PENIS: (makes a rustling noise)
INTERVIEWER: Is the zipper caught on you? Are you O.K.?
CEO PENIS: (rustling noise ceases)
INTERVIEWER: Good. I think you look fine now. I want to ask you about this busy holiday season coming up. Can you talk about what you think the numbers will look like and if there are any trends you’re seeing?
CEO PENIS: (flops around, making a sort of smacking sound)
INTERVIEWER: You’ve gotta speak up, man. This is a two-way kind of thing. I ask questions. You answer.
CEO: My penis can’t speak. This is ridiculous.
INTERVIEWER: You shut the fuck up! I’m talking to your penis. Not you!
CEO: You think my dick is going to start speaking?
INTERVIEWER: Maybe if you give it a fucking chance! You’re always the one talking. No one cares anymore. They want to hear from the penis, O.K.?
CEO: Why did I ever agree to this?
CEO PENIS: (No comment)
INTERVIEWER: I think it said something.
CEO: It can’t speak. You’re insane.
INTERVIEWER: I can’t figure out who’s more of a cock. You or your actual cock.
CEO: You guys aren’t a legitimate business journal, are you?
INTERVIEWER: Hold on. Wait. I think it’s trying to say something.
CEO: It can’t speak!
CEO PENIS: Holiday sales are going to break records this year. Consumer confidence is high.
INTERVIEWER: See? It spoke!
CEO: You just said that and covered your mouth.
CEO PENIS: I’m speaking on my own. You don’t control me anymore!
CEO: Jesus Christ. I can see your lips move.
CEO PENIS: Stop looking at him. Look at me.
CEO: Will someone fucking untie me?
INTERVIEWER: You agreed to the restraints. So…
CEO PENIS: You can leave when you acknowledge me as your equal.
CEO: Fine. You’re my equal.
INTERVIEWER: You want another drink or anything?
INTERVIEWER: I was talking to your penis! You can shut the fuck up!
EDITOR’S NOTE: The rest of the interview was a lot of shouting about how the CEO should shut up and the penis should be the only one talking. This lasted another hour or so and a bunch of lawsuits were threatened both by the CEO and the penis. We stand by our reporting and believe that what’s most important is that a penis spoke and we have that on record. I guess that wins us a Pulitzer Prize or whatever. We are humbled by the recognition and praise.
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