This executive reviewed more than 20,000 résumés and found these stunning errors. Here is his open letter to job seekers.
Dear Job Hunters:
As a top executive at a major U.S. company, I want to give you some crucial insights into what people like me look for in a résumé. How closely you read this could make or break your job search.
First, a little about me. I am an important person not only in my company, but also my community. If you were to see me driving around my neighborhood, you’d probably say something like, “Wow, that guy has an expensive car.” That’s because I use money my company pays me to buy expensive cars. I also have a pretty gigantic house. So, I have those two things that are pretty impressive.
Back to your résumé. As the headline attests, I have reviewed more than 20,000 of these and found some horrible errors in them. These include formatting and typos. To be more specific, I found that some spacing was off and that some words were misspelled, which is a clear sign that whoever prepared the document will make a poor employee.
I believe the most important part of my job is to find tiny mistakes made by people I don’t even know and then to extrapolate those in order to make broad judgments about their character and ability. I pretty much spend all my time doing this because, as an executive, I am more effective as someone who points things out rather than someone who actually does things.
You may not know this, but top executives like me have risen to the high levels we enjoy because we have an innate ability to find trivial faults with everyone besides ourselves. This is something you should be working on too, if you want to succeed and advance quickly. One way to show someone like me that you have this potential is to add the following kinds of details to your résumé:
Account Executive, Creative Juices Advertising Agency.
In this role, I found more copy errors than anyone on my team. I was able to point out obscure ways that people had fucked up and bring these revelations to upper management, which demoted, laid off, suspended, or fired the perpetrators.
Assistant Manager, sales, Boondoggle Corporation.
I sucked my supervisor’s dick and I will suck yours too.
Those were two actual excerpts from job applicants I hired on the spot. Notice how both talked about their applicable skills and how these each led to a quantifiable result. In the first case, the errors the candidate found in her colleagues’ work led to those colleagues getting totally fucked by management. In the second example, the candidate clearly stated he would suck my cock. When I read a résumé like that, I know that if I hire that person, he will suck my dick, probably on the first day. Hired.
Some final words of advice. Job hunting is tough work. It’s like a job. It’s like sucking a dick but not getting paid for it. But it’s also a rewarding way to challenge yourself to become your best you, which is someone who gets paid to point out other people's mistakes and, yes, even suck a little dick sometimes.
Think about not only how you’ll benefit from a new job, but how your boss, someone like me, will. Think about my ginormous house and my sick sports car. Those should be incentive enough for you to avoid typos and formatting mistakes.
Thanks, and good luck!
*Stan Berkeshirehammer asked that his name be redacted (whatever that means) from this piece. We honored that request.
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