THE INTERGALACTIC BUSINESS REPORT
  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR

Business news and advice that go beyond our galaxy.

This executive reviewed more than 20,000 résumés and found these stunning errors. Here is his open letter to job seekers.

8/19/2019

Comments

 
Picture
Dear Job Hunters:
 
As a top executive at a major U.S. company, I want to give you some crucial insights into what people like me look for in a résumé. How closely you read this could make or break your job search.
 
First, a little about me. I am an important person not only in my company, but also my community. If you were to see me driving around my neighborhood, you’d probably say something like, “Wow, that guy has an expensive car.” That’s because I use money my company pays me to buy expensive cars. I also have a pretty gigantic house. So, I have those two things that are pretty impressive.
 
Back to your résumé. As the headline attests, I have reviewed more than 20,000 of these and found some horrible errors in them. These include formatting and typos. To be more specific, I found that some spacing was off and that some words were misspelled, which is a clear sign that whoever prepared the document will make a poor employee. 
 
I believe the most important part of my job is to find tiny mistakes made by people I don’t even know and then to extrapolate those in order to make broad judgments about their character and ability. I pretty much spend all my time doing this because, as an executive, I am more effective as someone who points things out rather than someone who actually does things.
 
You may not know this, but top executives like me have risen to the high levels we enjoy because we have an innate ability to find trivial faults with everyone besides ourselves. This is something you should be working on too, if you want to succeed and advance quickly. One way to show someone like me that you have this potential is to add the following kinds of details to your résumé:
            
Work experience:
Account Executive, Creative Juices Advertising Agency.
In this role, I found more copy errors than anyone on my team. I was able to point           out obscure ways that people had fucked up and bring these revelations to upper management, which demoted, laid off, suspended, or fired the perpetrators. 
 
Or:
            
Relevant experience:
Assistant Manager, sales, Boondoggle Corporation.
I sucked my supervisor’s dick and I will suck yours too.
 
Those were two actual excerpts from job applicants I hired on the spot. Notice how both  talked about their applicable skills and how these each led to a quantifiable result. In the first case, the errors the candidate found in her colleagues’ work led to those colleagues getting totally fucked by management. In the second example, the candidate clearly stated he would suck my cock. When I read a résumé like that, I know that if I hire that person, he will suck my dick, probably on the first day. Hired.
 
Some final words of advice. Job hunting is tough work. It’s like a job. It’s like sucking a dick but not getting paid for it. But it’s also a rewarding way to challenge yourself to become your best you, which is someone who gets paid to point out other people's mistakes and, yes, even suck a little dick sometimes. 
 
Think about not only how you’ll benefit from a new job, but how your boss, someone like me, will. Think about my ginormous house and my sick sports car. Those should be incentive enough for you to avoid typos and formatting mistakes. 
 
Thanks, and good luck!
 
 
Name redacted*
 
 
 
*Stan Berkeshirehammer asked that his name be redacted (whatever that means) from this piece. We honored that request. 
Comments

    About

    The only business news in the universe that matters.

    Archives

    March 2023
    January 2023
    November 2022
    October 2022
    August 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    March 2018

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR