Please tell these in a scary voice with a flashlight pointed at your face:
STORY ONE: There once was a CEO named Chet who had a biiiig bonus coming his way. It was large. Veeeery veeery large. But then he shoooowed his penis to his administraaaaative assistant, and she told huuuuuuman resources on him. Now Chet spends his days in the daaarkness of his forty thousand square foot maaaaansion on the beeeeeach, because he had already accumulated soooo much wealth, that even the sexual harassment laaaawsuit couldn’t take all of it away. Moo ha ha ha ha.
STORY TWO: CEO Troy had a huuuuge layoff planned. It would finally rid him of four thousaaaaand clingy employees who reliiiiied on him for their financial fuuuutures. So on Halloween eve, he told his Vice-president for huuuman resources to “pull the triiiiger, and fiiiiire them all,” and then he called them all “a bunch of parasiiiites who deserved to be pooooor…..” But Troy was being recoooorded, by the VP, who wanted to ouuuuust him so that heeee would be seen by the chairman of the boooard as having high emoooootional intelligence, because that was a thiiiing now. The recording was released to the meeeeeedia…. And Troy, not the employees, was terminated…. * Moo ha ha….
STORY THREE: Halloween is no time to be enacting new vacation policies at your corporation…. Take the story of Miles, CEO of a gigaaaaantic multi-naaaaational conglomerate, who decided on a late October morning that employee vacations would be cut down to three days a year, regaaaardless of how long they had wooorked there. He believed this would increase productivity, by keeping them at their desks for loooooonger every year. But Miles’s general counsel was incoooompetent, and didn’t realize that this vioooolated many laaaaabor laws, especially in countries like Germaaaaany and all those places where they wooork to live and not live to wooork…. Now Miles lives to goooolf and siiit by his pooool that he bought with all his coporate boooonuses. But he is no longer CEO. Moo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
*Troy did receive like a zillion dollar payout for being fired, so he’s fine with money. Just don’t ask him about the legality of recording devices and all of that bullshit because he won’t stop talking about it for a week. Stick to asking him about golf or porn. Or how much money he has.
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