Three surefire ways to fire someone (and feel great about it)

First time firing someone? Here are three tips to get through the ordeal (and feel amazing about it later).
 
You’re a manager. And you get paid more than some other people. Now you have to fire one of them. If you’re unlucky enough to not be a sociopath, this moment could be fraught with guilt, fear, and dread. But if you follow these three tips, you can walk out of that firing with both parties feeling no pain. 
 
1. Explain the “win-win” element. Let’s be honest. As soon as you start firing people, you are changed – from a likeable, normal human being, into a freakish ghoul who can only be sated by blood and hate. This is your new existence, so get used to it. Now that you are on your way to being the kind of person who puts families out on the streets and crushes careers, who would want to spend most of their days around you as your veritable servant? Explain to your victim that working for you is the equivalent of serving a satan-worshiping nazi dictator and that he’s really dodging a bullet by your letting him go. In other words, you're fired but you’re also welcome. 

2. Invite him/her on vacation with your family. Look right into your soon-to-be fired employee’s eyes and offer this “bonus.” Say you’ll pay for everything and that it’s your way of “easing the pain.” If the person actually takes you up on the offer, just say you’re working so hard right now, what with the new shortage of staff, that the vacation won’t be for a couple years. Then just kind of avoid the person forever. 

3. Begin belated sexual harassment. After you announce the firing, just reach over and touch the employees leg and say, half-heartedly, “you can sleep with me if you want to keep your job.” Whatever he or she says next doesn’t matter. You just follow it up by saying, “now you can sue us for sexual harassment. You’re welcome.” You just gave your ex-employee a wonderful gift. Feel good about yourself.