Top billionaire reveals the true secrets of happiness.

The Intergalactic Business Report talks frequently to some of the world’s top billionaires. In a recent conversation with one of them, we heard something so fascinating we decided to share it with our readers. 
 
Usually, billionaires talk about money and numbers, so we were shocked to hear this one tell us that money isn’t actually important to one’s happiness. Huh? You won’t believe his seven secrets to being eternally happy.  
 

1. Have relationships with people who will do practically anything for you. That’s right. Relationships matter more than money. Our billionaire recommends you hire assistants who will literally take a bullet for you, help you bury bodies, and clean your pool.   

2. Instead of having a boyfriend/girlfriend or being “married,” try a prostitute who pretends to be your beloved and never breaks character. We’re all just acting anyway, right? So why not pay for someone to act like you want them to? Our billionaire told us that his “wife” is actually some hooker he found in a catalog. But, she’s so good at her job that sometimes he just forgets her “origin story” and has the perfect marriage instead.   

3. Shut negativity out of your life by surrounding yourself with people who constantly encourage and support you. You know that friend who always calls you on your bullshit and tries to keep you grounded? Fuck him. Hire a cadre of new “friends” who say stuff to you like, “Shit, you look amazing today,” and, “I’d be here even if you didn’t pay me.”  

4. When you feel stressed out, fly off on your private plane. When your personal pilot asks where you’re going, just say “Surprise me.” If he takes you somewhere you don’t care for, get a new private pilot. Doing this will bring a sense of whimsy and capriciousness to your life and make you forget the stress of trying to control everything.   

​5. If there’s something you’ve always been afraid of doing, have a servant do it first. Our billionaire told us he’d always been fascinated by bear fighting, in which a human and a bear battle each other to determine which one of them gets to live. It sounded so life-affirming and thrilling, but he was too nervous to try it himself. Luckily, his servant, Andy, was able to step in. Andy was murdered by the bear in less than eight seconds, but this saved the billionaire from not getting killed and also ended his obsession with bear fighting, which he quickly realized was too bloody and morally wrong for his taste.   

6. Find solace and solitude by eating alone in a restaurant you have cleared out so that you can eat alone there. The frenzy of modern life can really wear on you, so just find your favorite restaurant and reserve every single table for yourself. When the waiter gets there, tell him you’re waiting for someone else to arrive and to not bother you until he gets there. On your way out, four hours later, tell the owner that the service sucks. Then write a Yelp review saying the place was empty and nobody would take your order, so you left.    

7. Prove to yourself that money doesn’t matter by buying something really expensive and then destroying it immediately. The more we care about money, the more it controls us, so our billionaire recommends you find something so expensive and valuable that you feel it would hurt you to lose it, and then burn it, blow it up, or melt it so it is worth nothing. For instance, destroy your car or your house, forcing you to drive one of your less favorite cars from your massive garage and live in one of your less favorite mansions with one of your less favorite views of the ocean.