Unreal news: heaven exists and you need money to get in.

Until very recently contact with the afterlife was considered impossible by most and murky even by the most ardent believers in that stuff.
 
But, breaking with all conventional reporting, the Intergalactic Business Report sent staff writers into the great beyond by forcing “death experiences” on them. 
 
Our clinically dead business reporters left our world and took notes about what happens next for all of us. Then we revived them and told them they had a tight deadline to meet or they would be fired tomorrow. Here’s what they told us:
 
1. Unbelievably, you can take your wealth with you to the afterlife. Upon arrival in Heaven our journalists were surprised that they were shown a detailed listing of their financial assets by an angel. Those who had made poor investments or were living paycheck to paycheck were scolded and sent to a dark room that they described as “the opposite of the light” and that had the feeling of “despair and the realization that sound financial planning is the most important thing they could have ever done in their lives… but didn’t.” 

2. Wealthy people receive much better treatment. One reporter, whose father had left him a considerable fortune, was brought into the light ahead of others in line. He was shown the secrets of the universe and given the feeling of total enlightenment. Then he was asked if he’d like to step up to the “platinum package” of universal consciousness. He did, but would not reveal to us what he saw after. Instead, immediately upon revival, he quit our team, said he needed to become an investment banker so that he could make more money, and acted like he was better than us and had this really shitty, condescending tone. 

3. If members of your family are poor and die, you have to care for them when you do. It was a complete bummer for one reporter to find that even though he had managed his financial affairs wisely, he was going to have to live in the dark world with his cousin Randy, who pissed away money when he was alive and didn’t respect hard work and discipline.
  
4. You have a perfect mate waiting for you in Heaven. But she/he costs a shit ton of money. If you don’t have enough, you’re assigned the “B” or “C” models, which are mates that seem O.K at first but then reveal super annoying eating habits, body parts that look disgusting when they take off their clothes, or have a fucking voice that drives you insane every time you hear it. 

5. Make sure you have some kind of identity protection on Earth, because when you get to Heaven, you may find that you were “hacked.” Even angels will question whether you’re who you say you are and be skeptical that it wasn’t you who bought that pallet of Jack Daniels at Costco.
 
6. In order to feel a sense of spiritual bliss and feel like “everything finally makes sense” you have to upgrade. Otherwise you feel like you do right now.