Is it considered corporate espionage to steal the richest man in the world’s daily schedule? Seriously, if anyone's a lawyer, please let us know. Anyway, this is what we believe is an authentic, validated, stolen copy of Elon Musk’s schedule from yesterday. We have reprinted it below:
DATE: February 8, 2020.
SCHEDULE FOR ELON MUSK, Founder, CEO, lead designer, SpaceX; CEO, Tesla Incorporated.
4:30 a.m. Wake up, or sleep. It doesn’t matter. You can do whatever you want. Maybe just sleep.
5:00 a.m. Sleep with a smug look on your face.
5:30 a.m. Have a dream about how you’re talking to George Clooney and bitching him out for not doing enough. Then you apologize and it’s really weepy. Even dream George Clooney is embarrassed for you. But then you’re just eating fish tacos with Luiz Guzmán.
6:30 a.m. Wake up. Start your workout. Something where you’re on a machine no one can afford and it stimulates your muscles through science or whatever.
7:00 a.m. See what the lead story is on the Intergalactic Business Report. Nothing? Those fuckers haven’t posted anything yet.
7:03 a.m. Think about what you’re going to do today without insight from the Intergalactic Business Report.
7:14 a.m. You’ve been refreshing the Intergalactic Business Report for 11 minutes. Now someone who works for you calls. Answer it.
7:14-7:30 a.m. The person on the phone says stuff. You don’t really listen or care.
7:30-8:45 a.m. Helicopter ride! Yes! Fuck yes!
8:45 a.m. Arrive at important meeting. Hit refresh on the Intergalactic Business Report page. Still nothing.
8:45-10:30 a.m. Listen to the bullshit at the meeting. Some guy keeps saying shit. Everyone’s standing up because that’s what you make them do because it’s more efficient or something. Or is that someone else’s thing? Doesn’t matter. You’re all standing. In a bathroom. Some guy says he needs to pee. You’re like, “Go then. It’s a bathroom.” He pees for like ten minutes. Someone whispers that the dude's dick is huge. Maybe that’s how it pees for so long?
10:30 a.m. Time to eat. Did you forget? A miserable employee runs up to you with a kale shake and some other crap no human eats. You sip on it and hate him as if it’s his fault you eat this shit.
10:45 a.m. Make a funny video that everyone will laugh at. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Post it on something. No. Don’t. Consider it at least. No. Not going to post it.
11:30 a.m. Interview with important journalist. Need to come up with something super weird and provocative to say. Come on, Elon, think!
11:35 a.m. Fuck. You’re calling this in. He’s talking and you’re talking, but there’s no way this is good enough to make the news. Wait, you’re fucking Elon Musk. You can say you made a poopy in your pants and they’d think it was a Jesus proverb.
11:36 a.m. Probably shouldn’t have said you made a poopy in your pants. The journalist stopped talking and is just staring at you now.
11:37 a.m. Say you need to go because some shit happened on Mars. Run out of the room like it’s an emergency. Maybe say something in Martian or whatever.
11:38 a.m. -12:40 p.m. Motherfucking helicopter ride! Yes! Hell to the yes!
12:41 p.m. Lunch with celebrity you’ve been wanting to meet forever. Don’t forget to say how you’re a fan because that’s what you say when you meet someone like that.
12:42-1:33 p.m. Why the fuck did you schedule this? Ron Jeremy is boring as hell. He won’t stop fucking talking. Maybe ask to see his dick?
1:34 p.m. More shit on Mars. Just leave. You don’t even need to explain if you don’t want to.
1:40 p.m. Get in a Tesla someone pulled around for you. No hands driving time! Fuck yeah!!!!!
1:43 p.m. Check Intergalactic Business Report page. They have something up. You don’t get it. Is this supposed to be funny? Maybe you should just write them a check for like a billion dollars? Yes, that would make them funny. Really really consider this.
1:44-2:40 p.m. Long ride through the dessert. There are no fucking Taco Bells out here. Seriously? Consider building Taco Bells—everywhere… Next huge idea? Yes.
2:41 p.m. Roll up to secret mansion in the dessert where time-traveling demon lives.
2:42- 4:00 p.m. Beg demon for new cool information and ideas.
4:01 p.m. Leave with awesome concept about flavored buttplugs that never leave your butt and allow the user to type with cloud formations in the sky. Would have been great to have this during the interview where you said you made a poopy.
4:01- 5 p.m. Dessert walk. Time to think. Kind of like punishment but really vague, like you’re not sure what you did wrong but if you walk through the dessert long enough it’ll hit you.
5:01 p.m. Oh… So that’s what you did. Yeah, you totally deserve to be punished.
5:02 p.m. Regular work day is over. One last order of business is to write large check to Interglalactic Business Report. Maybe even give them a Tesla or a flame thrower or whatever too.
5:03 p.m. Return to sleep pod.
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