The Intergalactic Business Report spends a lot of its time writing. It’s not easy and for years we’ve been trying to find a way out of it. After seeing ads for professional content writers and bloggers who you can pay to write for you, we reached out and tried to hire someone.
We gave them a lot of specific rules and requirements for writing an IBR article, and instead of doing what they were told, they sent us back an email with all kinds of questions. We responded by inserting our answers. See the entire exchange below:
To: Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor, the Intergalactic Business Report
From: M____ S____, content writer.
Re: Article request
We wanted to touch base with you about the article you requested. We are sorry to say that we have a number of serious questions and concerns and feel this is not the kind of work we are comfortable doing at this time. We are always up for new challenges and welcome almost any new project. Yours, however, does not align well with our principles for the following reasons:
1. You asked that the article be called, “How horny I am right now,” and explained that it needed to be presented as a totally original story by me and that I also had to add my name to the title. I’m honestly not comfortable with that. You also said I’m not allowed to use a pen name or pseudonym. Why is that?
OUR ANSWER: It’s not authentic if it’s not coming from your voice and your name. We want to actually know how horny you are. Right now. Can you please tell us?
2. I was extremely weirded out by all the late-night phone calls from your staff. One of them asked me if I’d rub lotion on him. That’s totally inappropriate.
OUR ANSWER: Not if you’re writing an article about how horny you are.
3. Your second requirement was that I write the article naked. No way. Also, to your third request that you film me writing it, naked, another hard no.
OUR ANSWER: Your no is hard? How hard? Please elaborate.
4. You mentioned that the article needed to contain “references to unsanitary sex fantasies and your phone number.” I will not give out my phone number. I’m fine writing some erotica if that’s what a client needs, but as I mentioned before, I would never use my actual name.
OUR ANSWER: Our favorite nasty sex fantasy is the one where we hire a writer and they keep telling us they won’t use their actual name.
5. You wrote that payment “will be administered using Taco Bell coupons.” We accept all kinds of payment, but not that.
OUR ANSWER: Blowjobs? What?
6. You asked if you could borrow some money. We are a service that charges money, so that is impossible. Please see our answer regarding that, above.
OUR ANSWER: We are a service that asks for money. Please see our previous answer regarding that, above.
7. You wrote in a legal stipulation stating you may withhold payment if you “are too drunk to pay.” That is not acceptable from our end.
OUR ANSWER: We are currently too drunk to respond to that.
In conclusion, we wish you the best of luck with your publication and also hope you consider new and better ways of communicating with vendors and outside agencies. Please stop emailing us with new projects and ideas.
M_______ S_______, Writer____com.
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