We stole and printed another letter from a CEO to his employees. This time about the Corona Virus crisis.
TO: All employees of _____.
FROM: Dan _____, CEO.
First off, I hope you and your families are safe during this extraordinary time. A lot of us are home right now, and, if you’re me, you’re realizing just how lazy and useless a human being can become if he’s left to his own devices.
When I first started this business, my father said to me, “Son… Here’s my business.” Ever since then, I’ve taken that business and done the best I could for my family. When my daughter needed private dance lessons, I used company money to pay for them. And when my son crashed his Porsche into the orphanage, I paid for the lawsuit to clear his name and to punish the nuns who harbored vagrant children.
I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve made sacrifices. I’m not complaining. I’m just saying you couldn’t possibly understand my life and that a sacrifice to me is on the level of maybe a thousand sacrifices for you (and I’m being generous, as always).
Drinking every day, eating a lot of ho hos and Little Debbie snack cakes. That’s the norm in my world right now. Also, playing online Russian roulette with people from Russia and wearing a penis clamp from 11:45 a.m. till 3:35 p.m. just so that I still feel alive.
I guess the point of what I’m saying is that if you’re home, you’re worthless, like me. So that means when we start up work again, it’s really only going to be fair if you either work for free for a while, wear penis clamps, or pay me something to keep your job.
Human resources told me today that my “return to work” plan I just outlined is “Illegal” and could “cost me the company” because of “lawsuits” and “national news coverage.” Needless to say, those people are fired, which was difficult, because usually I ask human resources to fire people for me and this time it proved difficult to call them to fire themselves. Believe me, I tried.
What I need to say to you, the worker, is that I care about your well-being. I care about your health. And I care about your safety. But I also care about my money. Probably more than all the stuff I listed before saying that I also care about my money. I take that back. Definitely more. In fact, I don’t even remember what those other things I listed were.
Soon, the country will be re-opening, and so will ______. I know all of you will be standing at my side (at a distance of six feet! Haw Haw!) when we do. Until then, please be ready with your dick measurements in case you take the option of wearing a penis clamp.
Thank you and take care of yourselves,
Dan _____, CEO.
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