What to say and do so people think you’re rich.

Some dude's car. Your new toilet.

Perception is reality, and it’s also a lot easier. Why spend years working and taking risks to become a bazillionaire when you can just act like one and have everyone kiss your fake ass? The Intergalactic Business Report offers you these exclusive tips on what to do and say so everyone thinks you have money. 
 
 
DO THIS: Carry around a diamond-encrusted dog collar.
SAY THIS: “Has anyone seen my jaguar? Ha ha. Not my car. I’d never drive a cheap ass Jaguar. I mean my pet.”
 
DO THIS: Never open your mouth and look like you’re in pain. 
SAY THIS: (mumbling) “I just put in four hundred thousand dollars worth of platinum teeth in my mouth and the dentist says not to open it for a week. Can you get me a shake or something?”
 
DO THIS: Get a bunch of fake money and count it, but far away from people, so they can’t tell. Then light it all on fire when they get closer.”
SAY THIS: “Oh, I thought you were coming over here to steal the million dollars I was counting so I burned it rather than give it to a poor criminal like you.”
 
DO THIS: Find the name and phone number of a local university president and write it down on a card.
SAY THIS: “If you give me a free lap dance, I’ll take care of your college education. Take this card and call this guy. He’ll hook you up.”
 
DO THIS: Ask if you can make an emergency phone call on someone’s cell. Then throw it into a body of water or just into the street.
SAY THIS: “Three years ago, I made so much money that I was able to throw my smart phone away and never use it again. It changed my life. Now I’ve changed yours.” 
 
DO THIS: Take a dump in the back seat of someone’s Tesla.
SAY THIS: “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize you actually drove this thing. At my estate, we use these as toilets.”
 
DO THIS: Run up on someone and start dry humping their leg. Then looked confused when they pull away or try to hit you.
SAY THIS: “Hold on. Hold on! Huge misunderstanding. I thought you were one of my servants. Are you for hire, gentle squire?”

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