CEOs. They’re the most important people in America. Just ask them. Or anyone who writes articles about how what they do every day is what you should too. In recognition of this, the Intergalactic Business Report dumped a feature about nuns who help homeless people because who would want to be like an old nun who spends all day getting food for vagrants?
After we told the nuns we weren’t doing the story on them anymore, they said something we couldn’t hear because we hung up the phone. Afterwards, we conducted an exclusive, anonymous survey with some of the world’s brightest CEOs to find out what they do with their free time and how it translates into success.
Anonymous CEO #1.
FREE TIME PASSION: Spends her free time doing oil paintings because it unlocks her creative powers and allows her to make decisions that go beyond typical corporate thought.
SUCCESS RESULT: One day she painted a picture of a silly-looking clown firing people. It had come to her out of nowhere, like some kind of crazy dream. The next day, she fired 7,000 employees in one of the largest downsizing events in corporate history.
Anonymous CEO #2
FREE TIME PASSION: Saves unwanted pets from being put down in kill shelters. Started a charity that collects cats and dogs who are abandoned and finds them loving homes throughout the country.
SUCCESS RESULT: After understanding how kill shelters operated, this CEO was able to structure new, more humane layoff plans that included putting fired employees in corporate housing “shelters” with their families for two weeks to see if anyone wanted to hire them before they were symbolically “put down” and officially fired.
Anonymous CEO #3
FREE TIME PASSION: Mentors children who have no male role models by taking them on a “junior CEO” retreat to his exclusive mountain chalet, where they learn leadership secrets.
SUCCESS RESULT: Several of the mentored children grew up to lead companies and oversee massive layoffs and restructuring that earned them enough bonus money to buy their own chalets and run similar mentoring programs, thus “paying it forward” for generations to come.
Anonymous CEO #4
FREE TIME PASSION: Studying martial arts and yoga to find inner peace and discipline.
SUCCESS RESULT: Felt absolutely no remorse when she fired four thousand employees because she was able to control her heart rate and yoga herself out of the guilt she would have felt without her training. The martial arts came in handy as well, as she was able to disarm and defeat four thousand people with a single memo from human resources.
Anonymous CEO #5
FREE TIME PASSION: Studying the strategies and tactics of famous generals throughout world history.
SUCCESS RESULT: Was able to picture half of his 20,000 employees as invading Tartars and pretended he was repelling their advance by firing them.
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