Inc. Magazine recently posted an article about how “invisible” employees could be your most valuable resource. Or something like that. At the Intergalactic Business Report, we never read Inc. Magazine articles because they either ask you to subscribe or expect you to read the content and we feel strongly the headlines are more than enough to inspire us to write superior articles on the same subject.
Anyway… We read the headline and immediately agreed. Our own invisible employee is by far our most valuable and we tell you why below.
12 solid reasons your invisible employee is your best employee.
1. You never see him. He never says stupid shit. He’s just there, we guess?
2. When your invisible employee gets angry and takes an invisible shit on the floor of your reception area, that shit is invisible. Unless the human shit in the reception area is his and his shits aren’t invisible at all.
3. He never does that thing at meetings where he questions everything you say by throwing Milk Duds at your face, unless the Milk Duds that keep hitting your face are coming from him.
4. You don’t pay him, and he has no voice to sue you no matter how many times you openly mock or threaten him and chase him with your dick, even though you’re not totally sure if you’re actually chasing him or if he’s in a totally different direction and you’re just pants-to-the-ground-around-your-ankles shuffling around the office.
5. His piece-of-shit mom will never touch you because that would be assault and you’ll call the cops.
6. You still love his piece-of-shit mom even though she’s a little “rough around the edges” and is probably going to assault you but maybe it’s not assault if you love her, and you have sex afterwards. Maybe that’s just an “alternative lifestyle.”
7. You’re not even sure what that lifestyle is called, but whatever it is, you’re that.
8. What’s the fucking difference between your invisible employee and a ghost? Should I be afraid of this motherfucker?
9. If you start dating someone and she tells you her son is invisible and he works in your office and you’re like, what the fuck are you talking about and she’s like shut the fuck up Imma beat your ass and then she does, does that make her son exist? Or is that just what love feels like and you’ve never been in love before?
10. Who the fuck is Ronald Van Silver? Is he our invisible employee? Oh, nope. He’s real. Hey Ron.
11. Did Ron Van Fucking Silver take a shit on our reception area floor? How the fuck would you even find out? Like a DNA test or something? Do I have to take some of the shit down to a lab or something?
12. Does Inc Magazine have a lab where they can test the shit from our reception area and see if it’s a ghost or if it’s Ron Van Silver? How late are you open?
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