Oil prices. You read about them every day. They’re up, they’re down, they have something to do with “barrels” and people from the Middle East and also the t.v. show “Dallas.” One thing’s for certain. Someone thinks it’s important and that must mean it is.
Unlike other business publications, the Intergalactic Business Report doesn’t just report on oil prices going up or down. We dig for the deeper truth behind why anyone takes the time to tell us that in the first place. What we’ve uncovered is truly mind-breaking and shorts-shitting. The oil prices you hear about all the time are controlled by just five people.
Below, we profile them:
1. Abner Mularthy. Abner “controls” oil prices through a technique he calls “paneling.” This means he has cork board panels in his basement on which he sticks pictures of oil barrels, oil wells, and even petroleum jelly. If he stares at the panels long enough, he can either lower or raise oil prices by up to three cents a barrel.*
2. Phil Ratuliak. Phil is one of the oiliest men on the planet. His skin and hair appear covered in a greasy film at all times, even if he showers several times a day. Some** experts believe that examining Phil’s “oil level” is a sound predictor of oil futures.
3. Judy Hollensoffet. Judy tells everyone she knows that they should be cooking with extra virgin olive oil because it has a bunch of health benefits. She seriously won’t shut up about it.
4. Brett “deep fry” Bannon. Brett counteracts Judy by deep-frying everything he eats in whatever cheap crap he finds at Costco. If Judy can ever locate Brett, who is on the run and operates a food truck with several deep fryers inside, she will murder him and take her chances with the justice system.
5. Cindy Lindstrom. Cindy is saving herself for marriage, but only after she spends several years at an isolated nunnery in Switzerland. For this life plan, she is often referred to as an “extra virgin” which is similar to the olive oil. Obviously, she is an ally to Judy and a distinguished enemy of Brett. At some point, it’s expected there will be a final battle involving all three of them, but probably not Phil or Abner, since they don’t really fit in to that plotline.
*This is according to Abner’s mom, who lives upstairs.
**The margin of error on the number of experts needed to reach the number “some” is plus or minus 3.
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