Banned, controversial diet, could lose you 20 lbs per week with no dieting. Too good to be true? At least read what it’s about.
WHO AM I?
I’m Jonny Ripkin, creator of the most controversial diet in the world: the Shred and Fed Diet®. Shred and Fed is the only diet in the world that requires zero exercise, zero dieting, and guarantees massive weight loss of at least (that’s right, I said, “at least”) 20 pounds per week.*
WHAT’S THIS DIET ABOUT?
A lot of people are pissed right now, because I promised them I’d never reveal the secrets of my “shred and fed” diet program that lost them weight without them ever having to diet—not even for one day. What pisses them off most is that they want to be the only ones (besides me) to know the secret of how to not only lose weight, but get totally shredded and ripped within one month or less, all without any effort whatsoever. Let me give you an example.
SUCCESS STORY ONE:
A friend of mine was 49 years old, overweight (253 lbs), and totally non-athletic. I used to bully him and call him “fat ass,” if that gives you an idea of how fat and stupid he was. After doing my plan for three weeks, he weighed 157 pounds and had about 7% body fat. Even more amazing? He is now only 46 years old. How the fuck is that possible? I’ll tell you in a minute. Just read the next success story first.
SUCCESS STORY TWO:
Another friend, a woman I’d had sex with a few times but who I always felt was a little “chunky,” asked me what she should do to shed some pounds—mostly because I was always teasing her about how fat she was compared to other girls I boned. So she tried my program, and guess what? She’s smoking hot today. She lost 4 dress sizes and is now a fitness model and sometimes even does porn! She’s that hot. How long did it take her? Would you believe 14 days? That’s right. Two weeks on my program and she was so hot that other guys wanted to have sex with her and film it!
SUCCESS STORY THREE:
O.K. O.K. You want me to get to the details. But just read about one last success story first. This one’s my favorite, because it has to do with my own mom. Old mom was so fat and nasty looking that I was afraid to be seen with her in public. I know that’s a harsh thing to say about your own mother, but if you saw her you’d be like, “Woah… You don’t take her out in public do you?” Answer: No. Not until I got her on my program and she lost two hundred and thirty-seven pounds in four weeks. She looks so good today that she could be one of those lesbians in a porno film! Maybe she’ll make one with my other friend (see above)!
HOW “SHRED AND FED” WORKS:
People never believe me when I tell them how simple the Shred and Fed program is. Basically, you don’t do anything. “Wait,” you’re saying right now. “Did you just say you don’t do anything?” Yes, that’s right. You do nothing. You just sit there and lose the weight and get shredded.
HOW’S THAT POSSIBLE, JONNY?
Now you’re saying, “That’s impossible, man. No one can achieve those results without working out all the time and eating whatever you’re supposed to eat according to some dietician.” To that I ask you a simple question: Have you ever actually talked to a dietician? Or a personal trainer? They’re dumb. Seriously. Try to have a conversation with them about anything other than food or working out. What’s that like? I rest my case.
SEVEN MYTHS ABOUT WEIGHT LOSS:
Those personal trainers and dieticians will try to feed you (ha ha) a load of shit (nasty!) about what it takes to lose weight and how your body works. But I’m going to let you in on seven myths about weight loss you’ve probably never heard. Why have you never heard them? Because I haven’t told you yet. Duh.
Myth one: Weighing less depends on losing weight. FALSE.
Myth two: Building muscle depends on foods you eat and exercise you do. FALSE.
Myth three: Jonny Ripkin has a small penis. FALSE. TOTALLY FALSE.
Myth four: Eating carnival food makes you fat. FALSE.
Myth five: I need to work out to be “in shape.” FALSE.
Myth six: I can’t lose two hundred pounds in six days. FALSE.
Myth seven: Poop is human waste. FALSE.
SEVEN (BANNED) TRICKS ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT:
You haven’t bought anything (yet!) so I’m going to tease you a little with seven weight-loss tricks that I know you’ve never heard of. Don’t worry, the details are all in my book.
Trick one: Chewing burlap can make your teeth grow.
Trick two: Watching Rocky movies can mentally develop muscles.
Trick three: Beer has an enzyme in it.
Trick four: Fruit can be used for throwing at people. Not just eating. It has other purposes.
Trick five: You can have sex with fruit too (see above).
Trick six: Hormones.
Trick seven: I wear a mask that makes me invisible and allows me to enter your dreams.
SO, HOW DO I BUY THE SHRED AND FED PLAN?
I know. You want to buy my plan so you can lose up to four hundred percent of your body fat and look amazing this summer. Just remember, my plan is BANNED, because people found it too CONTROVERSIAL. Basically, that means that I’m not allowed to share it with anybody, I guess. I don’t understand laws. Let me put it this way, if I can find a way to, I’m going to write all this shit down and make it into a book or something. I guess I’ll let you know if I do that.
*Unless you weigh only twenty pounds. I can’t make you disappear from the universe. But I will try.
Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at email@example.com
Yesterday, I published an article that was very close to my heart. In it, I wrote a letter to my younger self—a seventeen-year-old Ed Mountaineer, who was getting ready to face the world and take on the challenges I knew lay ahead for him.
Surprisingly, I received a letter back. I know. Crazy. But I did. I’ve reprinted it below.
Please stop contacting me. I don’t know who you are, but I am definitely not your “younger self.” I am just a guy who works at Starbucks and I’m not even seventeen. I’m twenty-six years old.
I’m not sure if you don’t understand the concept of time or if you’re a mental patient, or both. At my work, I’ve had a lot of weird experiences. I’ve been hit on, asked to pose nude, and even proposed to. I’ve never had a creepy as fuck older dude like you keep passing me letters about how I’m him, only seventeen years old, and living in the past, whenever he was seventeen years old. I should say, I’ve never had that happen until you showed up.
My dad is a lawyer and he said he’d deal with you, but I told him I’m old enough to take care of this on my own. So this is an honest request for you to just seriously fuck off and stop coming in to my Starbucks.
I get that you’re probably lonely and maybe not dangerous, but you do have that insane look in your eyes all the time and you never say anything to me and just hand me the letters. I think that’s pretty fucked up.
Again, leave me alone or there will be consequences.
(Not giving you my real name)
Have you ever wished you could tell seventeen-year-old you not to worry so much about the future? Not to bother with the things that aren’t important? And to know that everything’s going to get better?
Lately, a lot of athletes have sent letters to themselves, in the past, and I thought I’d do the same. I think it’s a cathartic exercise, and it made me appreciate better who I am and how I’ve grown over the years. Maybe you should try it to.
Dear 17-year-old Ed,
This is Ed from the future, writing you a letter. What’s up, player? You good? I know you can’t answer… Anyway… How’s it going? It’s going good for me. But I do have some serious advice for you that I hope you’ll take to heart. Here it is:
Number one: don’t smoke crack. I can’t emphasize this enough. Number two: stop acting so fucking stupid. And number three: make me some fucking money. Jesus Christ. I’m waiting and I still don’t see money. Or a car or that I’m living in a mansion. This is like time travel, right? What the fuck are you doing?
O.K. Here’s some more advice. Don’t shoot that porn with Nasty Rick. Seriously. Don’t. And don’t order that Russian bride. She’s a dude and she’ll steal all your shit. Don’t have sex with fruit. It ends up ruining your penis and you start to only want to have sex with fruit and that fucks up all your relationships.
Still no money. What the fuck. I’m going back in time and I’m telling you to make me money and it’s not here. I guess buy stock in Apple? Or Microsoft? Is that how it works? Still waiting…
I guess in closing I want to say this to you, seventeen-year-old Ed. You fucking suck. Go ahead and do the crack and all that other stuff because my advice obviously isn’t helping. You just end up doing all the stupid shit I did anyway.
I’ll write soon,
Ed from the future
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