 Even though it’s not close to Mother’s Day, the Intergalactic Business Report has become obsessed* with memes, Reelz, and insta stories about mothers. Yes, a lot of it has been about MILFs. But recently, we also came across a stunning tribute to motherhood in which a maudlin memer showed Christiano Ronaldo and his mom and then posed seven questions that everyone should ask his mother before she either dies, becomes incomprehensible, or just starts making shit up.
As we cry about our moms, we pose our own seven questions, which we hope will be included in this meme engine’s next tearjerker. Seven questions you need to ask your mom before she’s dead, speaks gibberish, or just lies to you out of spite or senility. 1. When I was a baby did you, as a woman, also think my dick looked “weird”? 2. If we weren’t related, would you still call me a “handsome young man” and what would be the implications/your next move? 3. I saw dad’s dick once, and it was weird. Is his dick the same as mine? I mean, not the same, obviously, because that would mean my dick would be in a grave with him, in his pants. I think you understand what I’m asking. 4. Who was that guy who was always in your bed when dad was on business trips? 5. Did that guy have a weird dick? Is that your thing? 6. Let’s get this cleared up just in case you don’t understand. When I say “weird” I mean the shape of a shillelagh and multi-colored as if every race on Earth was represented—even ones that don’t exist any longer, like hobbit creatures. 7. In case you’ve forgotten, can I just show you my dick so that you understand what I’m talking about? It looks weird, right? *We saw something on Instagram and were like, huh.  One of the underrated benefits of the internet is the consistent messages about how you may already have dementia and if you don’t you’re going to have it soon. Online scribes do their sacred duty to humanity by informing us of early warning signs, issuing us tests, and displaying renderings of someone holding his back with the caption, “This early sign of Alzheimer’s may not be what you think.”
As we experience cognitive decline, it is comforting that there are people who make their livings by jolting us into the reality that at some point we will all be drooling vegetables who shit our pants. As we thank and celebrate these harbingers of doom, the Intergalactic Business Report also points to new research that indicates Alzheimer’s may not be as bad as we believe. Stunning new findings have shown a distinct “upside” of dementia, which may give us all more comfort in our coming demise. Below we share a few of the findings that we think might change the way you think before you are unable to think at all. 9 reasons Alzheimer’s may be a good thing. 1. That time you accidentally called your teacher “mom” in front of your math class in high school? Gone. 2. You will in no way recall the ad where the guy is holding his back and it says, “this early sign of Alzheimer’s may not be what you think.” In fact, you won’t even know what a guy or a back is. 3. When you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t stop thinking about that thing you said to whoever 10 years ago? With the magic of dementia, you won’t think about anything you said to anyone any years ago. 4. Forget your wife’s birthday or your anniversary? You forget everything now and no one will blame you. 5. Assholes who use the term “forget me nots” have no use for you. 6. “Memories. Like the corners of my mind.” That song sucks. 7. You’re overweight? You look like shit? You’re bald? You’re stupid? All of this doesn’t matter anymore. 8. Wiping your own ass? Over. 9. For Mafia member only: When your pal tells you to “fuhget about it”, you actually will. |
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