Just as mask mandates are beginning to lift around the country, a new study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals that wearing a mask can contribute greatly to how attractive you appear to others. In fact, masking makes you 70-100 times more desirable to others than when you wear nothing at all on your face.
While there are many reasons why this is true, we take the top seven and share them with you today.
7 reasons wearing a mask makes you more attractive:
1. When you wear a mask, people can’t see your entire face, the wholeness of which presents a full, nothing-left-to-the-imagination image of what you actually look like.
2. Prominent features, such as your nose, lips, chin, and mouth are covered. Those are probably your worst features, so viewers are left with your eyes, which are just meh, but way better than those other things.
3. Your breath. It just stays in there. That’s good for everyone. That’s good for the environment.
4. You’ve heard the term “Horror Show” and wondered what that is. It’s when people see your face without a mask on it.
5. There’s a reason why “just the tip” is amenable to people. Seeing your entire face is like saying, “take the whole nasty thing.”
6. In Beauty and the Beast, Beauty has sex with a monster. But it takes a while for her to get there. Not wearing a mask is like the Beast just showing up and whipping out his animal penis and doing a freestyle rap that never gets off the ground and he just keeps saying, “Uh huh… Uh huh… Yeah…”*
7. Wearing a mask makes you mysterious. Like maybe that dude with the mask on is super attractive underneath and can make all my dreams come true. And when it comes off, it’s like, Oh, that guy looks like my dad’s friend. I think it is my dad’s friend. Why is he at a college party talking to 19 year old girls?
*We have no idea what the plot of Beauty and the Beast is other than a princess has sex with a gigantic monster.
Guest columnist Emil Sworscher shares scientifically sound* information about how to deal with a narcissist in a way that will forever end their reign of terror over you and everyone they touch.
If you’ve read articles about narcissism, you know that narcissists are a tricky lot who are master manipulators and geniuses when it comes to gaslighting and taking advantage of people who come into their lives. If you’ve ever dealt with one, you understand how frustrating it can be, as they will try to isolate and control you and make you look like a fool to others. You find yourself asking, “Am I the crazy one?” And that’s exactly what the narcissist wants. After years of contending with people with this psychological disorder, I’ve come up with an ironclad way of defeating narcissists and ridding them from my life forever. I call this method, “The seven steps to destroy a narcissist” and I’ve outlined them below.
STEP ONE TO DEFEAT A NARCISSSIST: Don’t let on that you know they’re a narcissist. This is very important because if you call them out as being a narcissist, they will very likely turn that around on you and start calling you a narcissist and telling everyone you know that you are mentally unstable and obsessed with yourself. To avoid this, trick them by telling people what a great person the narcissist is. “Wait a second,” you’re saying. “I don’t want to say the narcissist is a great person! He’s a terrible person!” I know, I know. But if you let him know you know that, it could lead to trouble. Just follow this first step and keep going with me on this.
STEP TWO TO DEFEAT A NARCISSSIST: A narcissist is always looking for adoration and compliments. To throw him off your trail, start complimenting him about everything. “Hold on,” you say. “If I compliment him, doesn’t that mean I’m giving him exactly what he wants?” Yes, but only temporarily. Just go ahead and say things like, “You’re the best,” and “Nobody’s smarter than you.” Make sure you say this sincerely and without a hint of sarcasm. In fact, try to pretend that the narcissist is actually all those wonderful things and really believe it when you say it. This will make your words appear authentic and real. And he’ll eat it up, leaving him vulnerable to step three.
STEP THREE TO DEFEAT A NARCISSSIST: Now that the narcissist thinks you actually think he’s the greatest thing ever, up your game by covertly entering his “inner circle” as one of his loyal, subservient subjects. Tell the narcissist you’ll do anything for him and that you’ll essentially be his slave, if that’s what it takes to please him. “Woah,” you’re screaming. “I don’t want to be this guy’s slave! How’s that possibly going to help me destroy him?” My answer is simple. You destroy someone most effectively from within, not without.
STEP FOUR TO DEFEAT A NARCISSSIST: If you’ve followed the first three steps, the narcissist is probably happily believing he’s abusing you as you cater to his every whim and desire (including, in some cases, having weird sex with him). As terrible and mistreated as you feel, you have to concentrate on the end game and that is total destruction of the narcissist. This is by far the hardest step in the process because here you feel absolute hopelessness. “Seriously…” you’re whining, “I have to sleep with him too?” Do whatever he wants or he’ll be on to your plot to expose and demolish him. Just do it and move on to step five.
STEP FIVE TO DEFEAT A NARCISSSIST: If you’ve gone through all the previous steps, you are finally ready to start exposing the narcissist for who he is. All your friends or business associates probably know you by now as the servile little runt who follows the narcissist around and does anything he wants while he just kind of shits on you and laughs. This can be really hard for your self-esteem, but at least the narcissist has no idea that you’re onto him and plotting his demise. In this stage, he might ask you to do something demeaning to prove your “loyalty” to him. And this is where you start to turn things around on him. But first, you do whatever that demeaning thing is, just so he doesn’t suspect anything.
STEP SIX TO DEFEAT A NARCISSSIST: As hard as it is to believe, in step six, you’re finally back in control. It may not seem that way because the narcissist has made sure your existence is nothing more than constantly complimenting him and carrying out menial tasks for which you receive zero recognition except that you did a shitty job cleaning his car or whatever. But it is now that the narcissist is the most vulnerable. He sees you as a literal piece of shit and he is blinded by that view of you as a less than human object that is insignificant and came out of a dog’s butt or something.
STEP SEVEN TO DEFEAT A NARCISSSIST: You made it to step seven. You should be proud. You’ve gone from being someone totally outside the narcissist’s world with no chance of defeating him, to what I call a mighty “narcissist fighter.” Keep the fight going by continuing to not let the narcissist be aware that you know he is an evil psychopath, because if your identity as a narcissist fighter is ever revealed, you could incur the narcissist’s wrath (which would totally suck). “Wait,” you’re saying. “So I did all this and totally demeaned myself? I gave into whatever the narcissist’s demands were and I did everything he wanted, and in the end my only option is to just keep doing that, only more?” I know. I know. Hold up. Crap. Alvin’s calling and he’s questioning my loyalty because I didn’t wax his fucking car right. Guess I’m gonna need to buy him an expensive gift again to prove my commitment.
*Sound is what you hear when a noise is made. Not sure what it means in this context.
Emil Sworscher is not a psychologist nor does he have any psychological training or education (not even something like taking Psych 101 in college, because he thought he was going to be a music major and that sure as shit didn’t work out because he’s doing this). If you’d like to send him comments, please email him at email@example.com
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