“I feel so alive,” is a common phrase people say. Then they die at some point. Recent breakthrough scientific studies have revealed what many at the Intergalactic Business Report have been thinking for years—that being alive is a detriment to your health. Being dead, on the other hand, poses almost no health risks.
In an exclusive report, we break down the stunning differences between the two. In the end, you may conclude that everyone is better off dead.
DEAD: Dead people are at peace with the universe and may even float around as ghosts and spirits. While this doesn’t sound like an amazing lifestyle, none of them have rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, or heart conditions.
ALIVE: Alive people talk about being at peace with the universe but are lying about it because twenty seconds after they brag about how “at peace” they are, they start yelling at a waiter or their kids. Meanwhile, they’re all about to die from hidden diseases they don’t even know they have.
DEAD: Dead people don’t gain weight. If anything, they lose it as their bodies deteriorate and limbs fall off.
ALIVE: The living can gain up to forty pounds from eating a cheeseburger and drinking a beer one night. Then they can go on a diet for three years and work out every day and lose forty pounds. Then one night, they eat that cheeseburger again and…
DEAD: Dead people have zero doctor’s appointments per year, unless you count being dug up to see if they were serial killers or related to someone famous.
ALIVE: Living people are encouraged to see a doctor every ten minutes, just in case. They spend most of their lives being ass-probed, blood tested, and scanned by machines that somehow cost $475,000 a minute to tell them they don’t have brain cancer, this time…
DEAD: Although covered in worms and insects, dead people never get Lyme disease, malaria, or cooties, if that’s actually a thing.
ALIVE: Alive people walk outside and are attacked by bugs nobody’s ever heard of but all carry deadly diseases that change your skin color, make you crazy, or eat you from the inside.
DEAD: Dead people don’t eat, so they never consume trans fats, sugar, or anything that might taste good.
ALIVE: The living try to pretend that kale and spinach and tofu taste great. Then they eat a whole birthday cake, a monster burger, and an extra-large order of fries and wait for death to take them.
DEAD: Dead people can’t contract any sexually transmitted diseases, unless grave robbers use them in a necrophiliac orgy, which is highly unlikely.
ALIVE: Living people try to make their lives like a porn and bang anything that walks near them. Then they wait for their dicks to fall off.
We all know someone who stands out from the crowd by choosing to wear crazy-looking socks. He’ll show up to work, a barbecue, or the mall with a little added flair popping out of his shoes, as if to say, look at me. I’m different. I wear socks. And those socks have stuff on them that yours don’t.
But what does wearing funky socks really say about these people? A new psychological study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals the number one reason people wear zany socks. The Answer is below.
1. They’re assholes.
We’ve all been lied to at one time in our lives. Whether it was about
Santa Claus, penis size, or how many bottles of hotel shampoo someone said he could fit up his butt, it stung when you found out the truth and that the person lying to you was a liar.
To end this suffering, the Intergalactic Business Report engaged in a massive psychological study about lying, liars, and “non-truth telling,” as it is called in academia. Below we reveal our astounding findings that all liars do the following nine things:
1. They lie.
2. They don’t tell the truth.
3. They say things that aren’t true.
4. If something is the truth, they don’t say it.
5. They say things that sound like they may be true, but they aren’t.
6. They say things that sound like a total lie and those things are indeed a lie.
7. They pretend that something they’re saying is true, but it isn’t at all.
8. They tell you something and you think, “Oh, that sounds true.” But later on, you find out it’s not.
9. They tell you they can fit three hotel shampoos up their butt, but, in reality, they can barely fit two.
Nine mind-blowing (and free!) alternatives to internet, cable, Netflix, cell phones, and any other ways you entertain yourself.
It seems like only a few years ago our entertainment options were either watching reruns of “Family Ties” or watching ourselves naked in the mirror. Today, you can stream a video while watching a movie while talking on the phone while watching yourself naked in the mirror.
Our endless choices in amusement seems like a great thing, right? Wrong. Try these nine alternatives instead.
1. Spin around in a circle. Stop. Then run in a straight line for thirty seconds. It’s almost impossible without bumping into something. Will you be the first person to not be hit by a car, run into a wall, or step in dog shit?
2. Put crunchy snacks like chips or Cool Ranch Doritos in your underwear. Try to sit down without the chips making any noise. Can you do it? Good job. Can’t do it? You suck. Try again.
3. Eat a banana. Then see if you can put the peel over your penis so that it is a banana penis. No one’s ever been able to do this. Will you be the first?
4. For two people. Find some old stuffed animals. Carefully cut them open and remove any filler or stuffing. Then put the carcasses over your heads so you can’t see. Now fight each other. Each round is forty minutes. Use your best judgment to determine how many rounds you will fight. We suggest starting with four till you get good at it.
5. Try to poop outside like a dog. This one sounds easy, but you’ll be surprised how challenging it can be to squat and to concentrate because our bodies and minds are so accustomed to using toilets, inside, where our neighbors can’t watch us.
6. If you’re having t.v. withdrawal, try creating your own television drama, in your head. Sound difficult? Just pretend you’re a character in a show about a hospital. Then say to yourself, “Should we operate?” Then pretend you’re the character that guy is talking to and say, “Fuck you, Benny! I told you ALL my fingers are penises! Not just the thumbs!” (You may have something else pop up in your mind as a response. Go with whatever.)
7. Take a pillowcase full of oranges and hit yourself till you have enough for a glass of juice.
8. Go on a sewer hunt for the “Rat King.” He’s down there somewhere. Will you find him?
9. Help change the course of human history by reading a history book and then concentrating hard till you appear in a different time and place. Then do the thing where you spin around and run for thirty seconds.
Ghosting. It’s a term someone came up with. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report tells you why people may not be responding to your emails and texts. And the truth may astound you.
Six odd reasons people are ghosting you:
1. The subject line you use is always: Request for your credit card number to meet hot Russian girls tonight!
2. They’re being held hostage and their kidnapper is reading all their emails. When he gets to yours, he says, “If you answer those, I’ll shoot you because then you’ll deserve to die.”
3. You keep ending your messages with, True Love Always, and then your name.
4. Your email address is firstname.lastname@example.org.
5. You keep asking people to go fund your solo, pantomime, clothes on, fake masturbation film.
6. You start every email with: Wassup hoes? Then you write in emojis you found on a dark web site created by a mental patient in Thailand and everyone is pretty sure you’re either threatening to turn yourself into a cat or throw pears at them.
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