In case you are dumb and don’t read anything, there is a scientific theory that says we all might be living in a computer simulation made up by aliens. In this scenario, we are not even real, but essentially video game characters being played by a space creature who thinks it’s funny to make us drop our keys and spill coffee on ourselves.
Some scientists say the chances of us living in such a simulation could be as high as 50%, but a new study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report moves that number much higher—to 100%. How can we be so sure? We outline 7 indisputable reasons from our report.
7 REASONS WHY THERE IS A 100% CHANCE WE ARE LIVING IN A SIMULATION:
REASON ONE: Nobody would masturbate this much in real life.
REASON TWO: A non-computer simulated version of you couldn’t possibly suck so much.
REASON THREE: Lord Starborg 32 is the greatest ruler in the history of the Starborgian Empire.
REASON FOUR: It’s not really possible to accidentally shit when you sneeze. But somehow you do it all the time.
REASON FIVE: How is the name “COVID-19” not something made up by aliens? COVID-19 is the name of an asteroid, not a virus, right?
REASON SIX: Why else would we type penis penis penis penis penis penis penis?
REASON SEVEN: We just received a brain message to stop writing this article or we’ll be turned into one of the Super Mario Brothers. We’re thinking that’s a good thing?
The Intergalactic Business Report relies on science and scientific data and science, so when someone approaches us and says he can seduce anyone in the world 97% of the time, we listen.
A man who simply goes by the name, “The Master,” sat down with us to explain his system for attracting and retaining the world’s most desirable, physically attractive people (if that’s what you’re into. He can get ugly people too, he promises).
Below are excerpts from a seven-hour (and change) exchange.*
INTERVIEWER: Let me start out with a little skepticism. Why do you call yourself, “The Master”?
THE MASTER: It’s the title my students chose for me.
INTERVIEWER: You have students? Like a pedophile or something?
THE MASTER: No. Not like a pedophile. Like a teacher.
THE MASTER: They gave me the name because they consider me to be a master of the art of seduction.
INTERVIEWER: I’ve heard you use that word several times. Seduction. I’m not familiar with it, but if I had to guess it’s one of those combo words where it means suction and sedatives?
THE MASTER: What?
INTERVIEWER: Like you knock people out with a drug and then suck their dicks?
THE MASTER: No. No. Nothing like that.
INTERVIEWER: It’s your word, man.
THE MASTER: No. It’s not my word. It’s a very well-known word. Everyone knows it.
INTERVIEWER: Fine. Whatever. I’m just saying I would never drug someone and then suck his dick. I guess do what you need to do.
THE MASTER: But that’s not what I do.
INTERVIEWER: You get them drunk then? That’s still a drug. Technically.
THE MASTER: (Getting angry, like an angry man who drugs people and sucks their dicks) No! For the last time, I don’t do that. I use my mind. Not drugs. Not alcohol.
INTERVIEWER: Fine. Whatever.
THE MASTER: It’s just that when you say things like that, it could ruin my reputation. People will think things about me that aren’t true.
INTERVIEWER: How do you suck someone’s dick with your mind? I don’t get it.
THE MASTER: I don’t suck anyone’s dick!
INTERVIEWER: Then you’re not very good at this, are you?
THE MASTER: I’m leaving.
INTERVIEWER: To go find some drugs and dicks?
THE MASTER: (Gets up to go find drugs and dicks) You’re a horrible person.
(We had planned for this to be a several part interview. That didn’t work out.)
*Maybe more like 7 minutes.
A friend, a colleague, or maybe a spouse screwed up. And now you await their apology. You hope it’s sincere and authentic, but you worry that maybe a little passive aggression is slipping in.
The Intergalactic Business Report interviewed leading psychologists* who analyzed common phrases people use when apologizing but don’t really mean it. Below, we have collected the top eleven. If someone apologizes using any of these openings, beware. They’re not really sorry.
1. “I accept zero responsibility for anything.”
2. “Fuck you I didn’t do it.”
3. “My penis apologizes for being too large.”
4. “Excuse me while I don’t apologize to you for shit.”
5. “I’m sorry you can’t fit my giant dick in your mouth while I tell you I’m not sorry.”
6. “I have an apology for you in my pants and it’s my penis. I hope you’ll accept it.”
7. “I found this note in the apology jar. Nope it’s not for you.”
8. “I am sorry for metaphorically and literally dick-slapping you in the face.”
9. “I hope you can understand English when I say that I’m totally not sorry.”
10. “Let me explain myself in a story about a sea captain who came home one day and didn’t apologize.”
11. “I’m not sorry? What? Did someone say something? Wait…. I think I heard it… Someone said he’s not sorry. Who said that? Oh. It was me.”
*Some dudes. In a bar. It’s hard to remember. There was a fight. We think. It started when we asked them to say they were fucking sorry for something. Can’t remember what. Anyway…
Texts. You get them. But not all of them are good. If you receive any of these, delete them immediately or you’ll be sorry.
“Hey Brad. It’s Satan again. Been trying to reach you man. What up? Can you talk for a sec?”
“Need your address so I can find where to murder you. Hit me back ASAP.”
“This is mom. Can you bring me some condoms so I can have sex with random men?”
“Hey bro. Hope you can help me out. I’m just starting out in a gang and need to kill someone random to get in. Text back for details.”
“Need your penis cut off? Call me.”
“Hey cutie. Ima Russian model who wants to hook up with you. I’m super into ugly dudes who suck at everything.”*
“Dear sir. I would respectfully request the privilege of transferring my royal bank account to your Nintendo Switch. “
“Type YES to automatically shit your pants.”
“Got your number from your mom. Can you bring over some condoms?”
*Actually, go ahead and answer this one.
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