 After years of pretending they cared about leaders being nice and empathetic, the business world is finally turning its back on what some are calling the “emotional intelligence catastrophe” of the last several years. Initiated by introverts and the guy nobody likes, emotional intelligence was the subject of many books and articles that no one read but that everyone pretended to have. The idea behind it was that people who could have real feelings and understand other people’s emotions were somehow superior to the lurking psychopaths who always seemed to get the promotion and pay raise over you. As per usual, the Intergalactic Business Report delivers you what’s coming next, and it will change the way everyone works for the next twenty years at least.* After thousands of interviews with top U.S. business executives, trophy hunters, and life coaches, we reveal the latest management trend called “bitch training.” Bitch training follows the simple premise that all workers are the managers’ “bitches” and, much like a pimp, he or she must manage them as though they are simply commodities whose holes are to be filled by paying customers. And these bitches need to be trained. Below we chart the subtle but important differences between your emotional quotient (EQ) and your bitch training quotient (BTQ), which is a manager’s acumen and capacity for bitch training. EQ: You listen to your employees. You really listen to what they’re saying. BTQ: Listening is a sign of weakness and you need to get those bitches in line… now. When an employee is complaining to you about something, you just wait and stare. But you make it a really angry stare and make sure you turn off your hearing as you watch them squawk about their stupid complaint. Then, when they stop for a second, you fire them. EQ: As a manager, you create an environment for your employees that feels safe and comfortable. BTQ: You know that employees should feel their production is tied to their safety and that if they don’t do what you want, you might move their desk somewhere dangerous, like the abandoned building next store, or you might just murder them.** EQ: You have an “open door” policy, in which employees feel comfortable entering your office at any time to share ideas, ask questions, or just say hello. BTQ: Your “open door” is like a trap, where employees who come too close to it are captured by you screaming at them to come inside so you can verbally abuse and fire them. EQ: You didn’t invent emotional intelligence, but you actually read the book by Daniel Goleman. BTQ: You didn’t invent being an asshole, but you kind of feel like you’re perfecting it. EQ: You remember people’s birthdays, hobbies, and the names of their spouses and children. BTQ: The same. Only you do it so you can threaten their families, belittle their interests outside work, and give them impossible assignments on their birthdays. EQ: You want to leave your office a better place than you found it and with good friends and memories. BTQ: You will either leave behind a stable of mindless, soulless bitches, or you will burn the fucking place down as law enforcement closes in on your office. *Estimated by the use of numerical data. **You can’t actually murder them. But don’t let them think that.  Uh oh, it’s the Friday that’s black. And it’s upon us now. Even though you could easily just do this shit online, you still drag yourself to the mall just to get a taste for what it’s like to breathe on other people and smell their fake cologne mix with their body odor. Whatever your perverse reason for subjecting yourself to this, you ought to be prepared. So the Intergalactic Business Report offers you an exclusive look at what’s happening behind the cash registers and in employee smoking lounges. After interviewing thousands of retail workers across America, we are able to release this shocking, world-twisting report on the secrets retailers want to tell you, but just can’t. We’ve taken the nine most terrifying revelations and listed them below: 1. When you’re checking out, retailers let you know if they like you or not with coded phrases. If they think you’re cool, they’ll probably say something like, “Want some blow?” or “Nice snatch.” If they say something like “Happy Holidays” or “Merry Christmas” they fucking hate you. Pretty much, if they don’t offer you drugs or comment on your vagina, they hate you. 2. That shit in the back is poisonous. Generally, anything placed in the back of the store is either poisonous or will give you herpes if you touch it. This is why it’s placed in the back. Wonder how you got herpes? Now you know. 3. Most dressing rooms are online porn cams broadcasting to Japan. Beware… Unless you’re into that kind of thing. 4. They don’t wash their hands on purpose. In silent protest to your flagrant consumerism, most retail staff stop washing their hands starting the day after Thanksgiving and begin again on December 25. During that time, they make an effort to touch their nuts and butts as much as possible. 5. Don’t ever ask for gift-wrapping. This is code that you are looking for someone to be your pimp. That can end very badly for you and you may spend Christmas “ho ho ho”-ing. Get it? 6. Never buy playdough or slime from a can that looks as if it’s been opened, even if the retailer offers you an outrageous discount. We don’t think we need to elaborate on this one. 7. Never order a “double latté” at the mall Starbucks, unless you want to get “double-latté-d” and are advertising it. 8. Anything that can fit up an employee’s butt has been fit up an employee’s butt. It’s safer to buy larger objects, unless “Big Beef” Darryl is working there. In that case, even the huge stuff has been inside his ass. 9. Most bathrooms are also online porn cams broadcasting directly to Japan. See number 2, above, and don’t do number 2. You get it.  Ultimately, Jeff was thankful to live indefinitely in a dressing room. Jeff Stacey is just some dude. That’s the best way we can put it. Instead of going with our usual deep, involved, thousand-page study of a subject, the Intergalactic Business Report decided that this Thanksgiving we would simply interview one person and ask him what he has to be thankful for. We picked Jeff. INTERVIEWER: So, uh, Jeff? Is that your name? JEFF: Yes. Jeff Stacey. INTERVIEWER: (Mumbles something unintelligible). JEFF: I only have a couple minutes. The guy said this would be quick. INTERVIEWER: What guy? JEFF: The guy who said I’d get a gift certificate if I did this interview? INTERVIEWER: I don’t know that guy. JEFF: Well, he said if I answered some of your questions… INTERVIEWER: Yeah, you’re really ruining the whole interview thing. You’re supposed to answer questions, not ask them. JEFF: (Talking like a total pussy) O.K. I just want to get back to my family. They’re half way across the mall and I told them I’d meet them in… INTERVIEWER: (Like a total badass) Shut up, Jeff. I ask the questions. JEFF: This is getting uncomfortable. INTERVIEWER: Just answer the fucking question: “What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?” JEFF: This is weird. INTERVIEWER: You’re not thankful for anything? JEFF: I’d be thankful to get out of here right now. INTERVIEWER: But you feel like you can’t because there’s something keeping you here? Something inside that’s telling you to not leave this Gap dressing room at the mall and stay here with me indefinitely? (At this point in the interview, Jeff got up and unlocked the door to the dressing room. We pursued for a couple mall blocks but were thwarted when he ducked inside a Bath and Body Works. We filled in the rest of the interview with what we believe Jeff would have said had he not been such a pussy and run.) INTERVIEWER: So, Jeff, I’m going to ask the question again. What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? JEFF: I am thankful that I’m a huge pussy. INTERVIEWER: That makes total sense. Would you like to stay in this Gap dressing room with me indefinitely? JEFF: Yes. Very much.  Recent collaborative studies with the Men’s Council on Men has revealed stunning new scientific evidence that contrary to previous calculations, men’s penises are not as small as we once thought. Instead, it turns out that women’s vaginas have grown steadily in the last one thousand years.* In ancient times, men’s penises were roughly three to four inches big, fully erect, and these were considered huge, according to most historians.** So huge, in fact, that many women were unable to have comfortable sex with men over four inches in length. But somewhere around the 4thcentury AD, something changed. Women’s vaginas began getting larger and larger, to the point at which a four-inch penis began seeming small and unsatisfying. There are many theories behind this, but the most obvious appears to be that women naturally are unsatisfied with anything that men have and anything that men do, including the size of their penises and how they use them to have sex. Around sometime, an anonymous man said something about how “It’s not the size. It’s how you use it.” This man was clearly an asshole, but he also made an interesting point about how small his dick really was. Most scientists have concluded that it was tiny. Very tiny. Anyway. Over time, men evolved slightly larger penises (except for you, apparently) and reached lengths of up to ten inches. Nowadays, eight to ten inches is considered the norm and if you’re below that you clearly have a genetic mutation making you abnormal, like a monkey with no hair or a squid that can get up and walk out of the ocean. Except that those things would be cool and you’re not. In conclusion, we need to update this report to state that not only are women’s vaginas getting larger, but also men’s penises. And that’s not exactly what we were saying when we started writing this. So to recap: if you’re under eight inches, you are a freak who can never satisfy a woman. And if you’re a woman, whatever… You’re fine, we guess. But you do have a huge vagina by ancient Roman standards. *We guess. Everything gets bigger over time. Your nose. Your face. Your vagina. All women’s vaginas… **Some guys we met at a bar who were speaking a different language. French? But it wasn’t French. It was something else. Belgian? No, that would be French. Maybe it was Flemish or something, except it wasn’t that, because that doesn’t sound French at all and this was definitely French-sounding, but not French. You get it.  Taking a shower seems pretty straightforward. But new insights from shower experts show that you were all wrong about how you wash yourself. We were shocked to hear these five tips that were unknown to us previously: 1. Don’t forget to wash your butthole*, which is located between your butt cheeks (the large flaps of skin on your backside). Pull the cheeks apart and rub soap on the area inside. 2. Don’t eat the soap or shampoo. As tempting as it may be, the stuff you wash yourself with is not to be eaten or even tasted. Apparently, this can make you sick. You may be saying, “but I eat it every day and nothing’s ever happened to me,” but we’re just relaying what the experts told us. 3. Don’t fall asleep in the shower. Even with its warm floors, water, and colors, the shower is a bad place to take a nap, even if only for a few hours. Experts recommend that if you’re sleepy, you get out, dry off and find a bed or couch. 4. Don’t eat in the shower (even if it’s not soap or shampoo). Eating your lunch, breakfast, dinner, or even a snack while you’re taking a shower is frowned upon by most shower experts. They tell us that your food can get soggy, fall apart, or even get on you, which to us seemed fine, since you’re already in the shower, right? 5. Having sex (even with yourself) in the shower is fine. What? But you can’t eat in there or take a nap? Here’s where we seriously began to question the “experts.” *This is also the hole through which you poop.  Another fake "Thanksgiving" awaits you. The Intergalactic Business Report today announces the alarming discovery that Thanksgiving is totally and absolutely fake. We don’t mean it’s fake in the way that the pilgrims didn’t actually celebrate a meal with Native Americans where they shared food and blah blah blah. We mean that the entire holiday is not happening except for maybe in your own home. While you stupidly buy a turkey and invite all your relatives to your house, you may not realize that everyone else is doing whatever they please. They aren’t stuck with your ridiculous uncle or father-in-law, and they sure as hell aren’t watching made-up football games. Think we’re the ones lying? Then check out these ten stunning facts we’ve uncovered below: 1. Every “Thanksgiving” the Detroit Lions play football on t.v. That’s impossible. 2. How would anyone actually cook a turkey so that it doesn’t taste like shit? Think about it. You have this huge bird whose ass you have to stick your hand inside and then bake in an oven for like ten hours and then you get gravy out of it, even though there’s nothing there except some ball sweat and nasty juice lying around in the pan? Someone is obviously laughing at you from a remote location every time you do this. 3. Are you ever actually “thankful” about anything on Thanksgiving? Think about it. 4. Have you ever noticed that after Thanksgiving all your “friends” have the same, stupid, made-up stories about what they did? “Yeah, we just kind of stayed in and had the family over…” Or, “we went out to California to visit Jen’s family.” Yeah. Right. Bullshit. 5. Pumpkin pie is something no one would ever come up with for real. 6. You don’t get presents. You don’t get candy. Nobody dresses up in a skanky outfit. Nobody ever has sex with you because it’s “Thanksgiving.” Again, think about it. 7. Thanksgiving spelled backwards are the old Norse words, “Gnivig Sknaht” (silent “g” and silent “k”), which means, “this hooker is drunk!” Why would they have a saying like that? 8. Cranberry sauce taste like ass. Would you ever seriously eat that if somebody didn’t make you feel like you had to because it was a fake, made-up holiday? 9. Why do you fall asleep after eating “Thanksgiving” dinner? And then wake up with your fat ass uncle snoring on your shoulder? What happens while you’re asleep? Why is it so important that you’re not conscious? Once again (and we’re getting a little tired of saying this), think about it. 10. Finally, the fake parades. There is clearly no way that anyone in real life would put together floats, marching bands, and balloons that look like Homer Simpson. Even if you’re foolish enough to attend the parades, we advise strongly that you look around at the empty, soulless faces of the other “parade goers” who are only there to carry on the massive lie that anyone would willingly push his way through a crowd so that he could get closer to some Ukrainian dancers or a “hometown celebrity” no one’s ever heard of who stars on a t.v. show no one’s ever heard of. Think about the money they spend to just fuck with your head  As part of a deep psychological study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report, new evidence has emerged proving that the dumber you are, the smarter you are. Although the study is almost four paragraphs long, we've pulled out some of the most mind-breaking findings below: 1. Deciding not to prepare at all for the huge presentation tomorrow is a sign you are at genius level intelligence. Elite level smart people turn off the “planning” part of their brain and simply show up and talk, sometimes not even understanding what the subject is. Many so called “smart” people will look at them and think, “Wow, this guy is unprepared and seems drunk.” But in reality, the drunk guy who’s waving his hands around and mumbling before shouting out, “Stop touching my Jesus pants!” is kind of like Albert Einstein. Which brings us to number two, next… 2. If Einstein were alive today, he would appear to be a dumbass. And not just because of his stupid-looking hair. Also because of the way he dressed. 3. Shit pants, fuck mouth, potty dick. If you read those terms and said to yourself, “That’s stupid and makes no sense,” then you’re actually dumb. “Dumb” people will read those words and say, “Yeah. I get that.” Are you “dumb” too? 4. Studying for pretty much anything is a sign of stupidity. Think about it. Why are you studying? Because you don’t know anything? Exactly. 5. Eating food made of or encased in mass-produced corn chips, means you are more intelligent than people who eat “farm to table” which is code for “butt to mouth.” Doritos Locos tacos. Fritos sandwiches. Feed your brain what it needs and wants. 6. Slurring words is a sign your brain is thinking on a higher level than your mouth. First, you’ve made the genius decision to drink so much that your mouth has stopped working. Second, the stuff you’re trying to make your mouth say is so important that you’re spitting on everyone. Third, you can’t write it down, because the bartender won’t trust you with a pen because he keeps saying you’re going to stab yourself or someone else. These are all indicators that your brain has essentially left your body and is thinking on such a high level that you can’t capture or remember any of the messages that would surely solve all universal mysteries. 7. “Smart” rhymes with “fart.” Dumb rhymes with nothing except the words “numb” and “thumb” and probably some others. But none of those words rhyme with “fart.” Can “smart” say the same? Nope. 8. “Dumb” people will have read this far. “Smart” people would have been “smart” enough to stop reading after the first line or two. We feel this is the most startling evidence to prove our point. Case rested.  No other information source goes as far as the Intergalactic Business Report to answer huge, metaphysical questions like what color is God’s beard, why the Taco Bell symbol is the last thing most people see now before dying, and what to do if attacked by angels. As we unravel the cosmos and share its secrets openly with you (instead of charging for it, like we should) the Intergalactic Business Report is now prepared to challenge some of the most lame assumptions you have about what happens when we die. Below, we present five actual revelations you will have as death’s cold hands drag you from this Earth into the icy unknown. 1. “Why didn’t I earn more money and spend more time at the office?” This one will hit you like a frozen can of turds as you realize that you wasted your entire adult life thinking about how to get more vacation and spend time with your family. What did that get you? While you could have driven a Porsche and slept with your personal trainer, you opted for a mini-van and grandkids you’re pretty sure were stolen from a playground. 2. “Why didn’t I have penis enhancement surgery?” This one is true especially for men. Instead of having a rock hard nine-inch erection, you settled for whatever you had. Now you’re dead. 3. “Why did I listen when I could have been talking the whole time?” This one might be the most difficult to face because here you finally understand that everything coming out of your mouth was super important, while everything coming out of everyone else’s mouth was totally worthless. You honestly spent dinner on September 23 hearing Deron Mantle’s dumbass idea for world peace. You could have been talking that whole time. 4. “Why was I so focused on love, when sex is way more fulfilling?” Lack of constant, meaningless sex with strange partners in which you leave the experience injured both physically and emotionally is a common regret of people on their death beds. Don’t make this mistake. Join some commune where they have orgies every day and night until you’re murdered by the cult leader. You’ll thank him for it. 5. “Why did I make up a birthday rap for Jessica Tambini at that office party in 2007?” This regret will never leave your consciousness because the rap was so stupid and bad that even Steve Shooshank had to explain to you that it sounded racist and that rap wasn’t just “rhyming shit.” If you do continue to a heavenly place, you will never quite be able to find total peace because you’ll hear your own chorus of: “It’s your birthday! Hey, Jessica! It’s your birthday…” over and over again as if it is stuck on play in your mind for eternity. |
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