 Summer is upon us and that’s prime time for cool, laid back dudes. They’re the guys who coast through life with a smile and a tee shirt you’d never wear because you’re not cool or laid back enough to wear it. They tell you that you worry too much or that you need to “chill.” Why can’t you be that laid back or cool? Lucky for you, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you 10 tips for transforming yourself today. TIP ONE: Talk about drinking margaritas all the time and then when someone offers you a drink, do the thing where you’re pretending an invisible person is twisting your arm. TIP TWO: You absolutely need to wear dumb looking shirts that call attention to yourself and say, “Look at me. I didn’t make this shirt, but I’m taking credit for it by putting it on my body.” Hawaiian shirts are the easiest fix, but we recommend tee shirts that say things like, “Sandy Dog Grill, Key West Florida,” or just have a pirate flag. TIP THREE: Wear stupid sandals no one else would ever wear and have a stupid story behind them like some famous surfer gave them to you before he died and told you to hang loose forever. TIP FOUR: Learn how to use hacky sacks and frisbees. TIP FIVE: Say stuff like: “No worries,” and “I’m just chillin’.” TIP SIX: Always act like you have a ton of wisdom about women and relationships by just laughing when someone says he’s getting divorced and knowingly scratching your soul patch when someone says he’s in love. When actual women are around just offer to get them a margarita and leave because you have no game whatsoever. TIP SEVEN: Perfect the “easy come, easy go” attitude by shrugging your shoulders when anything devastating happens in your life. Then just say, “Shit happens. I’ll be cool.” Do this after getting fired, finding your girlfriend in bed with another dude, or when your home is robbed by Japanese tourists. TIP EIGHT: Always cry somewhere no one can see you. Your pain must be hidden at all times. TIP NINE: Only sleep in a hammock. TIP TEN: When people ask you if you know Jimmy Buffet personally, always act like you do by saying something like, “He’s always just been little James Buffet to me,” and then walk away before they can ask any further questions. If they corner you about it later, just keep saying, “Hey, I’ll go make you a margarita,” and then leave.  You’ve heard it a million times: You’ll only find success when you stop worrying what others think of you. It’s so true. So true. And yet every day most of us are paralyzed by our concern for what impressions we make on people we don’t even know. Instead of spending your life fretting over frivolous insecurities, do what we suggest by not worrying about these 14 common, but totally unnecessary worries. Start today, start tomorrow, but start soon. Find success and stop worrying about these 14 things:
 Do you hate when random people try to pick you up? Or are you someone who sleeps with anyone who asks to have sex with you? If you’re the latter, then stop reading now because this is irrelevant to you. Keep boning randos. But if you’re the former, read on. We list the ways you can defuse any of the 7 most common come ons below. PICK UP LINE: “Do we know each other?” DEFUSER:“Maybe. Do you work at the VD clinic? I’m there all the time.” PICK UP LINE: “Hi. My name is Jerry.” DEFUSER: “Hey, Jerry. I’m Borgnath. Me eat lotsa cheese. Go fart. Teeehheee teeeheeee.” PICK UP LINE: “You come here often?” DEFUSER: “I just pooped in my pants. Does that count?” PICK UP LINE: “I just had to come over and talk to you.” DEFUSER: “Clingdorp Durfuuzen! Freep! Freeeeep!” PICK UP LINE: “Sorry if this is forward of me, but you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” DEFUSER: “Sorry if this is forward of me, but I only have sex with raccoons.” PICK UP LINE: “Can I buy you a drink?” DEFUSER: “Only if they sell pee here.” PICK UP LINE: “I think we were looking at each other earlier. I thought I’d say hi.” DEFUSER: “Hi, future husband. My other brain, called Mandy, keeps telling me to kill you, but I’m gonna tell her to stop talking so loud! Shut the fuck up, Mandy! I’m not fallin’ for this again!”  Would Jerry Stones have finished his robot penis had he not jet skied himself to death? Bros before hos. It was 1982 and Frank Newsbury made a pledge to his dorm room friends that he would always put them ahead of any woman with this now famous declaration. It also opened one of the biggest moral quandaries in the universe regarding relationships between the sexes. Did bros mean all men or just blood-related relatives who were male and from the same mother? Or did it mean all men? And were all women hos? Or just the skanky ones? What did you call the ones who weren’t hos? And did bros come before them too? At the end of the day. Hunter Drayton used this phrase first in the summer of 1993, as he explained a serious issue to his co-workers at a high-powered firm that does stuff with money. He had toyed for weeks with a new term that could be all his own. One that would convey finality but also really didn’t mean anything and would just hang like a stale fart over the room anytime anyone said it. His colleagues smelt what Hunter dealt. And they stood helpless as he explained that the day would end and that when it did it then something something. Then Hunter went to a Dave Matthews concert and hit on someone who was clearly there with her boyfriend. When she told him to fuck off and her boyfriend added that he was three seconds away from getting his ass kicked (see below), Hunter simply said, “Listen, at the end of the day, we’re all just trying to enjoy a concert and have a little…” at which point he received an ass kicking. Unfortunately, this did not end the prevalence of people saying “at the end of the day” because everyone at work had heard it and couldn’t stop saying it. Even the guy who kicked Hunter’s ass couldn’t stop saying it. Chillax. When first said in 1987 by Brent Smelzer of Mankato, Minnesota, Brent’s friends were immediately thrown into almost total confusion. Did he mean he was chilling or relaxing? Was it really possible to do both at the same time? Missed opportunity. Sandra Shintstaff wanted a way to shame her employees. But it had to not only shame them, but do it in a way that told them, “You fucked something up that you didn’t even know you were fucking up and now there’s no way you can go back and make up for it so you just have to sit there and hear about how you fucked up and can’t do anything about it.” But that was too long. That’s when Sandra came up with the idea to tell her staff about all the “missed opportunities” they had. It was brilliant, because she could just say, “That was a missed opportunity,” and then shake her head in disappointment. It was much more efficient than anything she had come up with previously to show her disdain for things they didn’t know they were supposed to be doing because she hadn’t told them to do it but that she could now hang over them and pretend that she did kind of tell them to do it by telling them later that they should have read her mind and known to do it even though when they did things on their own that she didn’t approve of she would tear them a new asshole (see below) for doing something without her approval. Ass-kicking, kick your ass. The origins of this phrase go all the way back to 1932, when Abner Hobenstark threatened his teammate on the University of Upper Idaho football team. Abner had tiny arms and was so short that he was unable to punch people in their faces. Instead, he could only use his slightly longer legs to take aim at a nearby butt and attempt to kick it. Sadly, he never did kick an ass, though he almost constantly threatened to do it. Tear you, someone else, a new asshole. Jerry Stones, a personal trainer from Orlando Florida, coined this phrase in 1979, when he lamented that he only had one asshole and thought about ways to produce a new one either on himself or others. Since Jerry had no medical background or even rudimentary knowledge of science or biology, he decided that the way to have more than one asshole was to “tear” one, which meant pushing his penis so hard onto someone’s skin that it punctured an asshole sized hole, which would be the “new” asshole. Jerry’s penis was not strong or sharp enough to actually do this, however, and his many attempts to tear new assholes into people from his workout group were met with lawsuits and confusion. After Jerry’s untimely jetski death, crude design sketches were found in his basement for a sharpened, robot penis that could indeed tear someone a new asshole. How the robotic penis would actually be powered and the details of how it would work died with Jerry, although it is pretty clear that he did not have the knowledge or understanding to go much beyond drawing some pictures of a dick that was super sharp with some notations that read: “Robot penis. Vroom, vroom! Tear new asshole.” |
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