Once we get past worrying about how many people will die from Coronavirus, most Americans start worrying about whether we’ll ever play sports again. Imagine fall without football. Empty stadiums. Fake, zoom tailgates before replays of games nobody cares about and can’t bet on. The future looks grim, or did, until the Intergalactic Business Report unveiled its new campaign to save all professional sports.
Today, we announce “Stay home and play with yourself.” Because the full plan is over two thousand eighty-five pages, we have outlined the most important features below.
1. “Stay at home and play with yourself” covers all major sports and all professional athletes.
2. Our plan is based on a simple premise: Instead of playing with the rest of your team, athletes will now just play with themselves in the comfort and confines of their own home.
3. We understand this will change most professional sports slightly, because, for instance, instead of throwing a football or tackling other men, an athlete will instead just be whacking off by himself, but we feel this alteration to the sport is almost insignificant.
4. Major events like the Super Bowl can be easily replaced with large group masturbation contests between your favorite players. This will make fantasy football even more exciting and add a new element to the competition.
5. Suburban dads who spend their falls complaining about NFL players and teams can now just admit it was all pretty much the same as a bunch of dudes beating their meat. This will bring a massive calm to the nation and possibly end domestic violence.
6. “Man Caves” will now be used for their real purpose and not just be a weird and unsettling thing created by males who “want their space.” Wives across America will be like, “Oh… All right. Go to your man cave now.”
7. Athletes from New Jersey will dominate, but we feel strongly this will only be for the first several years of our plan. Our projections show that in years 15-16, other states, like Delaware, might close the gap slightly.
Sports are cancelled and people are watching replays of basketball games from ten years ago as if that’s somehow fulfilling and not a sign that they’ve completely given up on life. Meanwhile, serious athletes are wondering what they can do to keep sharp when they aren’t allowed to compete in their sports.
The Intergalactic Business Report once again saves America by giving you seven new sports you can do in your home, alone. Play them, relay them, and don’t delay them.
RULES: Slap yourself in the face super hard. Then count: one. Slap yourself in the face again. Then count: two. Keep doing this till you get to like thirty-seven. That’s the record. Can you break it?
SPORT: Fat fuckity fucker.
RULES: You’ve stocked up on food. Now eat it. All. When you feel full, keep eating. Can you become the fattest fuck on the planet? You’ve got time on your side. Start eating.
SPORT: Dog King.
RULES: Let your dog make all the rules as you appoint him king for a day. Whatever he wants, you do it. He wants to go for a walk? He wants a treat? He wants you to follow him to another dimension where he traps and switches bodies with you and then returns to this dimension as you? You have to do it because those are the rules of Dog King.
SPORT: Extreme stair running.
RULES: Do you have stairs in your house? Run up and down for as long as you can. When you start seeing shit, like angels warning you to stop, you’re almost there.
SPORT: Penis Olympics.
RULES: Put your dick through the ultimate challenge as it attempts pole vaulting you over the couch.
SPORT: Can I fit that up my butt?
RULES: There are tons of things in your house that have always just sat there. Now’s your chance to see which ones will actually fit inside your ass. Start slowly with loose change and work your way up to your high school yearbook.
SPORT: Extreme sleeping.
RULES: They say you need eight or nine hours of sleep a day, but what if you pushed that to twenty-two or twenty-three hours? Can you stay in bed that long? And live a life of only two or three waking hours? Or are you a total pussy who needs to be awake all the time?
In our first article based totally on conjecture, the Intergalactic Business Report makes the daring assumption that animals in zoos don’t feel sorry for humans who are forced to stay indoors during the COV-ID 19 crisis.
Again, this is just a guess, because we haven’t been able to actually interview any animals and when we did try that once, a writer’s balls were chewed off, which re-enforces our current thinking about how these creatures feel about us.
Taking this a step further, we’ve gone ahead and added other groups that give few to zero shits about our current situation of self-imposed isolation for several weeks.
1. Cult members who live in underground doomsday shelters and believe the world has already ended “up there.”
2. The guy who sings “the recluse.”
3. Sasquatch and probably every crypto monster besides Chupacabra, because he just seems more extroverted.
4. Jason Voorhees.
5. The caveman who everyone shamed into leaving the cave to go hunting and who immediately had his nuts torn off by a sabre tooth tiger.
6. 80’s music group “Living in a Box.”
7. The woman Buffalo Bill is keeping in the well in “Silence of the Lambs.”
8. Saddam Hussein when he was living in a “spider hole.”
9. Anyone who’s ever been to prison for more than two minutes.
10. The man in the iron mask.
11. The kid who’s in the invisible square he can’t leave or he’ll be eaten by lava monsters.
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