You’ve probably heard of asymptomatic people (those who have Covid-19, but show no symptoms) and pre-symptomatic people (those who have the virus but haven’t shown symptoms yet), but a new group is emerging that scientists* believe could account for an even higher number of victims.
In an unprecedented medical study** commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report, we discovered that “no symptomatic” people live among us every day and pose the largest threat to stopping the spread of the virus. Below we outline our findings.
The characteristics of “no symptomatic” victims.
No symptomatic patients don’t carry the Coronavirus, and scientists believe this is probably why they show no symptoms. This is also why it is so difficult to identify them. Most no symptomatic people act and feel normal, feeling no sickness or pain. If you feel “normal” it is possible you are one of them.
How many people are “no symptomatic”?
Early estimates indicate that no symptomatic people could be in the hundreds of millions, meaning if you aren’t symptomatic, asymptomatic, or pre-symptomatic, you are almost definitely no symptomatic.
How do “no symptomatic” people spread the virus?
At this point, we believe that no symptomatic people aren’t passing on Coronavirus mostly because they don’t have it, but research on this is still in the early stages. We will soon understand more as the science catches up, and at that point we will make a scary as shit pronouncement about how we’re all going to die.
*Some guys we met in an online chat room who we’re pretty sure were speaking English, but who knows.
**We have always believed that medicine and medical studies belong to the people, and so this study was done by people for the people, which is patriotic.
Recently, the CDC made additions to its list of possible Coronavirus symptoms. The Intergalactic Business Report makes its own list as a supplement.
POSSIBLE CORONAVIRUS SYMPTOMS:
*This one actually means you’re probably dead.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Ed Mountaineer operates on his own, like a rogue agent (whatever that means). We do not endorse his views or support his lifestyle choices. We do print whatever he writes, but that’s not on us.
ED MOUNTAINEER: Thank you for agreeing to be interviewed.
YOUR MOM: Your welcome. Do I get paid for this?
ED MOUNTAINEER: No. It’s free.
YOUR MOM: That sucks.
ED MOUNTAINEER: You what?
YOUR MOM: What?
ED MOUNTAINEER: Nothing. So, it’s almost Father’s Day.
YOUR MOM: I guess so.
ED MOUNTAINEER: You don’t need to guess. I looked it up.
YOUR MOM: What do you want to talk about? I don’t have time for all this.
ED MOUNTAINEER: I just wanted to say Happy Father’s Day, I guess.
YOUR MOM: But I’m not a father.
ED MOUNTAINEER: No. But you’ve made a lot of fathers happy.
YOUR MOM: How’s that?
ED MOUNTAINEER: By having sex with so many of them.
YOUR MOM: Want to have sex with me right now?
ED MOUNTAINEER: I guess so.
YOUR MOM: Let’s do it.
ED MOUNTAINEER: Arghh Annhh (sex noises).
YOUR MOM: OHHH Awwhhh (more sex noises but from your mom instead)
ED MOUNTAINEER: GAAAAAH! UNGAAAAH! (sex)
YOUR MOM: You’re the best, ED. The Best ever.
YOUR MOM: I want to marry you, Ed.
ED MOUNTAINEER: I’m too busy.
YOUR MOM: That sucks.
ED MOUNTAINEER: I know.
YOUR MOM: How about more sex?
ED MOUNTAINEER: Sure, I guess.
Editor’s note: We stand by this being a 100% real interview with your mom. Also, it seems like your mom has a lot of issues to deal with, mostly the one about having sex with random men.
Do you have a dog? Do you wonder why it does stuff? Do you ever talk to it, pretending it has any idea what you’re saying? Don’t worry. You’re like most people. Delusional and uneducated and probably an alcoholic, like my dad.
My name is David Eppsien, and I’ve been working with animals for more than thirty-five years (in dog years). Over that time, I’ve developed the ability to see into the minds of dogs and understand what they can’t express to people, like you.
First off, I AM NOT TRYING TO SELL YOU ANYTHING. (Unless that’s something you’d do). I’m just an expert animal interpreter and I function on a higher level than you. I’m almost like a god who sits in a cloud somewhere and complains about how much you smell. But what if I told you that my secrets could be learned. BY YOU.
Still not buying it? Let me tell you a few things I know that you don’t.
YOUR DOG HATES YOU.
Yes. That’s right. And I don’t mean every dog in the world hates his owner. I mean your dog. Yours personally. And that hatred is directed only towards you. Other people, he likes. You? No. How do I know? He told me.
YOUR DOG HATES IT MOST WHEN YOU DATE OTHER, NEW, STRANGE MEN.
If you’re super slutty, you probably break up with your boyfriend and then start dating new guys almost immediately. Dogs despise that. Just saying. So don’t be slutty.
WHAT WOULD YOUR DOG TELL YOU IF IT COULD?
It would say, “Get back with David. He’s not pathetic. He’s not a stalker. He’s not mentally unfit to be in a mature adult relationship.” That’s the dog talking. Not me.
I DO HAVE A PLAN FOR THE FUTURE, TINA.
Some people, like Tina Weathers, break up with their boyfriends after two and a half years of total bliss, love, and support. That’s probably why if you’re her, your dog hates you because you’re empty and don’t know how to love and he just sits there wondering when David’s going to come back and communicate with him. And yes, Tina, I can do that, because I’m going to be rich off this shit. Rich. And you’re going to be like, “But I thought he didn’t have a plan for the future besides his stupid I can talk to dogs bullshit.” Well it’s not bullshit, Tina. It’s real. Wait. Did you hear something? “Kah…” What was that? “Kah…” I heard it again. “Kah-Ching!!!!!” That’s money! And you don’t get any!
DOG TO HUMAN COMMUNICATION WILL BE A TWENTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY BY 2025.
That’s what dogs say, anyway. And, sure, maybe they don’t understand money and how much a billion is. It’s still a lot probably. And I’m going to be the guy who makes most of that money because I’m ahead of everyone else. I started it first. I am loyal and faithful and not a slut.
PLEASE TAKE ME BACK, TINA.
I don’t think you’re a slut. Unless you seriously had sex with Martin Piedmont. If you did you’d be so slutty. Did you seriously do that? Your dog would hate you if you did. That’s almost like animal abuse.
I’M DONE WITH THIS CONVERSATION. I’M GOING TO BE A DOG CELEBRITY AND DATE MODELS.
Did you hear that, Tina? Models. You can watch me on TMZ and all that crap and be like, “Oh, I dated that guy once,” and all your stupid friends will be like, “Really? No way. I can see why he’d dump you.” And you’ll be like, “He didn’t dump me. I dumped him,” and they’ll all start dying laughing because they don’t believe you.
David Eppsien told us he could talk to dogs. That was good enough for us, so we gave him this column. If you’d like to contact David, he can be reached at email@example.com.
In a stunning new development, the Intergalactic Business Report estimates the death toll from COVID-19 is 100% of the population of Earth. Earlier projections indicated much lower numbers around 350,000 globally and 100,000 in the U.S.
Our estimates are based on the number of unreported deaths, which include the world population minus the 350,000 already reported. We used data and science to come to this conclusion and stand by our motto that “Science is true.”
7 huge takeaways from our extensive study are outlined below:
1. You now live in a fake alter-reality.
What you (and everyone else) is experiencing right now is a universe created in your mind as you prepare for the afterlife. Time has been slowed down to such an extent that three months ago was actually three seconds ago.
2. How do we know this?
It’s obvious that the weird shit that’s been happening could only be made up, like in a dream or something. Think about it. The government tells you that you need to stay in your house for three months and all sports are cancelled? You get drunk all the time and then compulsively wash your hands? You enter Zoom circle jerk contests with guys from Australia?
3. In the fake-alter reality, the only source of news that will tell you the truth is the Intergalactic Business Report.
We really should get more credit for that.
4. There’s also some great news!
Now you don’t have to worry about the Coronavirus anymore.
5. If you see a light, run towards it.
Some people are just walking and it closes up. We believe this is because the afterlife is assuming those people don’t want it enough.
6. If you spent any money on a funeral plot, you’re going to realize it was a waste of money.
Mostly because there’s no one alive to visit it.
7. You definitely aren’t getting that promotion.
But no one is. So that’s good, right? Except that you spent all that time at work, worrying about the promotion and kissing your boss’s ass. That probably wasn’t worth it at all. But, on the bright side, you can’t get fired either. Mostly because your boss is dead. And firing isn’t a thing anymore.
It’s been a long time coming. Finally, many states are beginning to let citizens leave their homes and get back to work. But, more importantly, it’s time to fucking party. This is what the lifting of the stay in place orders may mean for you:
1. You probably have the ability to fly. We don’t mean you can get in an airplane and fly somewhere. We are fairly certain* you now can fly like a super hero.
2. You are immune to all disease.
3. You are impervious to danger in any form, including pythons.
4. You cannot get STDs.
5. You have a magical shield around you at all times, thwarting any threats to your health.
6. You are now the luckiest person alive on the planet. Even though it seems impossible for every one of us to be the luckiest person, we are somehow. Basically, if there’s an outbreak, it will be someone else who gets it.
7. You can lick spoons other people used and it will make you stronger. Not because you are building up immunity or anything. Licking spoons transfers the power of the people who licked them to you. It’s like you captured their souls or something.
8. You can now predict the future with 100% certainty. Go ahead and tell everyone what you think is going to happen or not happen. It’ll be right.
9. During the quarantine, your brain has developed faster and become stronger than scientists and epidemiologists. You can now override their concerns by making your own calculations and charts, all done in your mind in two seconds. Your brain is that powerful now.
10. Your judgment when drinking alcohol is almost perfect. You make great choices and are super fun to be around.
11. Pool water, when it comes in contact with your skin, emits a healing vapor that covers you and everyone in the area with a protective coating.
*We believe strongly that making shit up counts as a degree of certitude.
Ingenious IBR reader takes time from his life to re-post Charles Barkley video and tell us how “turrible” we are. Here’s what it means.
As if things couldn’t get any worse for America, a genius-like IBR reader took the time to eviscerate us so badly that we have been left shaking in terror as his grim specter hovers over us.
Recently, an IBR reader suggested that our article about Hollywood origin story movies was so bad that we all “need hobbies other than coming up with terrible movies for laughs.” In a devastating finishing move, he also condemned us to a “Charles Barkley,” in which we helplessly watched his Youtube attachment of Barkley saying, “That’s Turrible.”
What does this mean for the future of the Intergalactic Business Report? You have questions. We have answers.
Q: How did this happen? You guys are usually so careful to write things that are unassailable and safe and broadly accepted by everyone.
A: We fucked up and this guy called us on it. For months, we’ve been cutting corners and producing articles that haven’t been vetted or fact checked. The other day we posted a meme that just said the words “Ball Sweat.” We blame much of this on new anti-masturbation policies in our office.
Q: I read the burn the reader delivered to you guys. He must be the real deal.
A: The reader’s life is clearly better than anyone at IBR. We accept that.
Q: The reader said, “You guys need hobbies other than coming up with terrible movies for laughs.” That article was supposed to be funny?
A: Even though we only write serious articles, they are so terrible that they are equivalent to crappy attempts at humor.
Q: How bad ass is the guy who burned you? And how does it make you feel?
A: A genius with no equal actually read something we wrote. Then he meted out justice. We are irreparably harmed but also humbled.
Q: After seeing the carnage of the reader’s strike against you, do you think people will start using the Charles Barkley video to destroy others?
A: A Charles Barkley burn cuts deep. We feel strongly he should never be weaponized like this again.
Q: How else do you feel?
A: We feel like Hiroshima and Nagasaki because we were so thoroughly destroyed by the epic burn. Like those cities, we hope to rebuild someday, but in the meanwhile, we can only root around in the rubble and surrender.
Q: What will you do next?
A: In the short term, we will abandon writing about real life and turn to fiction. Our new fantasy novel will be about a noble warrior who travels the land telling villagers and lords who is and isn’t funny. His trusted steed will be named Charles Barkley and he will do most of the talking.
The Intergalactic Business Report’s fitness expert, Jonny Ripkin, creator of the Shred and Fed Diet, tells you why it’s o.k. to become overweight during the pandemic. His message to everyone, below:
WHO I AM:
Let me get my intro out of the way. I’m Jonny Ripkin, fitness expert who has changed lives and futures (and sometimes even pasts) with my controversial methods for reshaping bodies and minds.
WHO YOU ARE:
Good question, right? You probably have never been asked that before in your life and it’s about time someone asked. But before you say anything, I’m going to answer for you. You’re a fat piece of crap, eating everything in sight, as you hole up in quarantine or lockdown, or whatever they’re calling it nowadays. But guess what? It’s totally fine. That’s right. I said IT’S TOTALLY FINE THAT YOU’RE FAT AND UNWILLING TO LIFT A MUSCLE OR STOP PILING FOOD IN YOUR FACE FOR ONE SECOND.
ARE YOU CRAZY, JONNY?
Another good question. Technically I’m what you call a bipolar narcissist, but that’s the kind of label that gets thrown on you when you’re perfect and a psychologist with stupid glasses feels inferior just being in the same room.
IS IT REALLY O.K. NOT TO EXERCISE OR EAT RIGHT?
Not only is it o.k., but it might be your one chance to do this and not be seen as a total bag of shit. Think about it. You eat. No one cares. NO ONE SEES YOU. You get fatter. NO ONE SEES YOU. Why? Because you’re stuck inside your house, with no place to go. Want to tell people you’re working out every day and eating good foods? Go ahead. THEY’LL NEVER KNOW.
IS THIS SOUND MEDICAL ADVICE?
Not if I were a “doctor” or “health person.” But it is sound medical advice if you’re someone who just doesn’t give a shit about anything anymore. And, let’s face it, after two, three months of being locked up in your home, do any of us really give a shit about anything anymore? So, to answer your question, yes, it’s very sound advice.
I LIKE WHAT YOU’RE SAYING JONNY, BUT HOW DO I CONVINCE MY SPOUSE?
You’re married? Fuuuuuck. Wow. You’re fucking married? Why?
WHAT IF I GET SO FAT I CAN’T FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY OF MY HOUSE WHEN THIS IS OVER?
I get this question all the time and the answer is simple. They take the roof off your house and something called the “jaws of life” comes in and scoops you out, like a fat scoop of ice cream.
DOES EXERCISING EVEN WORK ANYWAY?
Now you’re starting to get it. I did a study once where I took a rat, a prostitute, and a gallon of fat and only the prostitute came out of the experiment with a rating of: "O.k. I’d do this again." I think that’s what science proves about exercise.
JONNY. YOU SOUND HOT. IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN PORK YOU?
Yeah. There’s a way. And it’s easier than you think. Can you breathe? And do you have a hole? Maybe you’re a dolphin! HAW! I love making jokes. But yeah, I’ll have sex with you.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY, JONNY?
Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
A lot of people are freaking out about having to wear masks when they go places, but I for one am freaking out for a totally different reason and that reason is that I can’t wait to start wearing a mask. In fact, I’m beginning to wonder why I haven’t always worn one. Guess it’s never too late to start!
Anyway, below I’m outlining my reasons for why this is awesome and fits perfectly into my image of myself.
Reason one. All my heroes wore masks:
Reason two. I hate my nose.
Instead of cutting it off, like I planned to do earlier in the year, I get to hold on to it because now no one will see it. Ever. (Did I mention I plan to never take off my mask? Ever. Even when I’m alone, at home, or looking into people’s windows to make sure they’re o.k.)
Reason three. I don’t like people knowing whether or not I’m smiling.
The mask totally solves this one. It’s like sunglasses for your face. Am I smiling? Fuck you.
Reason four. Wearing a mask makes me like a bandit, only not wanted by the law.
Bandits are probably the coolest kind of criminals but if you’re not one, it’s pretty stupid to wear a bandit mask. Now I can do it without fear of being arrested, like the last time I pretended to be a bandit.
Reason five. Back to the bandit thing. If I rob a bank wearing a mask, it’s kind of like we all did it, because we’re all wearing masks, and they can’t arrest all of us.
Think about it.
Reason six. If I can wear my bandit mask to the grocery store, I could eat things there and no one would notice.
Me: wearing my bandit mask. Other person in store: “What are you doing? Are you eating that banana?” Me: “MAAAAAARGH!”
Reason seven. I feel like I’m stuck on the thing about being a bandit and can’t move on.
Sometimes you hit on a great idea and just become obsessed with it. I think I’m going to stop writing now.
Once we get past worrying about how many people will die from Coronavirus, most Americans start worrying about whether we’ll ever play sports again. Imagine fall without football. Empty stadiums. Fake, zoom tailgates before replays of games nobody cares about and can’t bet on. The future looks grim, or did, until the Intergalactic Business Report unveiled its new campaign to save all professional sports.
Today, we announce “Stay home and play with yourself.” Because the full plan is over two thousand eighty-five pages, we have outlined the most important features below.
1. “Stay at home and play with yourself” covers all major sports and all professional athletes.
2. Our plan is based on a simple premise: Instead of playing with the rest of your team, athletes will now just play with themselves in the comfort and confines of their own home.
3. We understand this will change most professional sports slightly, because, for instance, instead of throwing a football or tackling other men, an athlete will instead just be whacking off by himself, but we feel this alteration to the sport is almost insignificant.
4. Major events like the Super Bowl can be easily replaced with large group masturbation contests between your favorite players. This will make fantasy football even more exciting and add a new element to the competition.
5. Suburban dads who spend their falls complaining about NFL players and teams can now just admit it was all pretty much the same as a bunch of dudes beating their meat. This will bring a massive calm to the nation and possibly end domestic violence.
6. “Man Caves” will now be used for their real purpose and not just be a weird and unsettling thing created by males who “want their space.” Wives across America will be like, “Oh… All right. Go to your man cave now.”
7. Athletes from New Jersey will dominate, but we feel strongly this will only be for the first several years of our plan. Our projections show that in years 15-16, other states, like Delaware, might close the gap slightly.
Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.