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Thirty years ago when a crazy person had fantasies about fighting a celebrity, no one heard about it. Today, we get to see minute by minute ranting, plotting, and hard to follow lists of grievances. When Brian Johnson, known as the “Liver King” for his prehistoric diet and behavior showed up in Austin Texas to hunt for Joe Rogan, Instagram viewers were subjected to seeing what looked like someone put a scary homeless person put on camera and said: “Go.”
When Johnson was detained and issued a restraining order, our own Ed Mountaineer, also known for his celebrity obsession and beefs, immediately decided to issue his own challenge to Joe Rogan. We have reprinted it below: Ed Mountaineer’s challenge to Joe Rogan. Joe. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but we have tension too. Not the kind of tension that will get me detained by the Austin PD, but the kind where I write an internet article and say weird shit you will never read and act like that somehow connects us to each other. I have a beef with you. In fact, I have many beefs. I am going to list them now and give you an opportunity to address them: 1. Our relationship is one-sided. If our friendship was a business, you would be an outside investor who owned zero percent and never answered the direct mail piece we mass mailed to everyone about buying property on a beautiful lake in Tennessee. 2. Unnghh. Arrgggh. That’s angry talk. 3. Crazy eyes. I can’t show you these on paper but they’re there and they are watching you in a way that makes your feel uncomfortable and maybe a little sorry for me but, nope, you’re just uncomfortable. 4. I am not wearing a shirt. 5. Pants are still on in case you’re wondering. 6. It’s basically me, in jeans, without a shirt on. 7. The jeans aren’t nice. They’re like jorts before they become jorts, which become jorts because the jeans are so bad you just make them into jorts because who gives a fuck. 8. You could cut the tension between us with a knife. But I don’t have a knife so don’t freak out. 9. I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  Even if you did drink Hulk Juice, you are still responsible for your actions. Before automobiles, drunk driving was just a challenge riders took on a sentient horse. Today, it’s seen as a despicable act warranting shame and imprisonment. In fact, one of the most terrifying situations one can face is being pulled over by a suspicious cop who starts asking too many questions about your sobriety. You feel trapped and nervous as he seems to look right through your lies. You stutter and stammer and pray that he will get a radio call that there’s a hostage situation at a monastery, drawing him away from the scene, but not before he says to you: “This is your lucky day.”
Unfortunately, that last part never actually happens. Instead, you get interrogated and submit to “tests” designed for your failure. You suck on a breathalyzer and recite the alphabet backwards for about two letters before he throws you in the back of his car and your life is over. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We spoke directly with a defense lawyer* who gave us tips for what NOT to do when you’ve been drinking and are pulled over. Follow these and stay free, safe, and not sexually assaulted by prisoners. Nine things NEVER to say if you are pulled over for suspicion of drunk driving. 1. ‘Scuse me miss, can you get me annover drink? 2. I must warn you sir, that I drank Hulk juice this morning and I may explode in rage at any moment. I cannot be held responsible for my actions in five, four, three, two… 3. Do I smell fritattas? Nope, That’s your B.O. Please stand back. 4. I’m an undercover cop. Now YOU’RE arrested. 5. No, I will not suck your dick for a dollar! Did everyone hear this guy? This guy just asked me if I’d suck his dick! For a dollar! 6. I think your wife is in my trunk. You may want to check on her. 7. Psst. I think you have an erection. 8. Human trafficking? What? 9. O.K. Fine. I’ll suck your dick for a dollar. *Just because someone says he’s a defense lawyer, doesn’t mean he is. He could also just be some guy who might not have even said he’s a lawyer but it’s hard to remember because there were a lot of drinks and it was over a three day period and there were times when you thought to yourself, “Have I been up for like three days? Because I must have taken some kind of drugs to be awake this long.”  Think way back to your childhood and the first time your dad or mom taught you how to use the toilet. They probably focused on the poop and pee part and not much else. Maybe they also showed you how to wipe. One thing I can almost guarantee they never taught you was how to flush. That’s o.k. because they never learned how to do it themselves. Like you, their parents were ignorant about the toilet techniques that make bathroom life easier, more enjoyable, and safer.
Flush forward to today—when you used your toilet, extended your arm to the flusher, and pressed it down, not thinking how that subtle motion could affect the flow of poop and pee as they descend into the complex system of pipes and tunnels we call “plumbing.” While there are all sorts of toilet things I could teach you (and I will), today I’m focusing on the most basic toilet action of all—the flush. Most people use what I call a “hard tap” flush motion, which is where you hit the flusher and press down with one or two fingers and then release. While this seems to accomplish a solid flush, what you’re really doing is sacrificing a good flush for a speedy one. Other people try to go even faster using what I call the “hit and quit it” motion, which is where you avoid touching the flusher for very long and do the quickest, softest tap you can. (News flash: touching the flusher for a short time isn’t going to keep all the feces from other people who have touched that thing off your fingers, so you may as well linger and do it right). A good flush takes three fingers or a steady thumb—your choice. I recommend raising your hand in a “scout’s honor” motion, dropping it into range, and then slowly depressing the flusher for three full seconds. Count it out: One…Two…Three. You got it! The other method is with the thumb, as I mentioned above. This is an advanced flush that you would use if you didn’t have other fingers or if you were trying to impress someone—like me maybe? Anyway… if you DID do it this way, you would take your thumb and aim it towards the flusher. Line the thumb up with your line of sight and hold it there until you can see the flusher in the “crosshairs,” which you have to imagine being just above the tip of your thumb. Once that looks even, make a direct line for the flusher with the thumb and then flush. Because the thumb has more power than the three finger method, you should only flush for two seconds. Count it out, as I mentioned before. I hope this has been helpful and taught you a few things. I’ll try to come back and offer more tips about how to use your toilet. In the meanwhile, always be safe and use the proper techniques. If you do that, you can watch your poop and pee float away along with your troubles. All the best, André André DeSantis goes deep inside your pipes and holes. He also tells us he’s a plumber. He can be reached at [email protected].  Boys will be boys. And they will measure their penises. They’ve been doing this since rulers and tape measures were invented. But what does penis length really tell us about the size of our penises? According to Intergalactic Business Report Staff Scientist Dr. Jude Beedlebury, penis length, width, and weight are not as important as you may think. Instead, he points to “cavern depth” as an indicator of how “big” a man’s penis actually is.
“Bigness is the term I use for measuring mens’ penises,” says Beedlebury. “Penis size needs to be completely rethought. We should be considering a penis not in terms of its measurable size but in terms of its size relative to the hole it enters.” The “hole” or “cavern” determines actual penis size, according to Beedlbury. He uses the analogy of a banana a woman throws in her purse. “Let’s say the purse is large, like a hobo bag,” he explains. “The banana, no matter what size, will fit very easily. There’s no need to measure the banana in this case. In a sense, all bananas thrown into this purse may as well be equal.” He continues: “Now let’s say the purse is tiny, like a clutch. Almost any size banana is now huge, almost overpowering. You could say that any banana is now a fat, girthy monster.” He laughs. It’s not super funny, but he laughs. And it’s also a little weird how he’s looking at you when he laughs—like he wants you to join him in laughing, but the thing in your mind where you laugh because you can’t help it just isn’t there. Then keeps talking: “There’s no need to measure it, right? Because it more than fits. Even if it’s a really tiny banana, like one of those things you see in the grocery store and you’re like, is that a banana? And someone else is like, I think so? And then you see they’re from South America and they’re called something else, but basically they’re a banana?” Dr. Beedlebury says it is very important to note that if you did have an objectively giant banana it wouldn’t fit in a small purse and would be excluded from getting in there and the purse would have to wait for a more comfortable, diminutive banana to enter it. “Oh, and one other thing,” he says. “This is really important!” (He’s breathing super hard and looks really excited). “If you have a huge banana, it can only fit in hobo bags, which I call ‘ho bags.’ Get it?” He calms down and looks serious. “You get the analogy though, right?” he asks. He continues: “What we have for years considered small penises are actually huge and what we have considered giant cocks are in reality totally irrelevant.” If you’re wondering how “big” Dr. Beedlebury’s penis is, he tells us it is a “monster dong” according to his new penis measurement system. When asked, “Yeah, but seriously. How big is it if you actually measured?” he gets almost unhealthily upset and then kind of fake calms down before asking if you’re gonna have another drink. When you say no, he mutters, “It depends what your cavern depth is.” When asked, “Right. But if you didn’t look at that, and just literally measured your dick with a ruler or something, how many inches would it be?” he goes nuts and leaves the bar, and you’re wondering why you even started talking to this dude. Dr. Jude Beedlebury is the Intergalactic Business Report Staff Scientist. He did not write this article himself, but it is about him. He can be reached with your questions and comments at [email protected].  Travel experts are people who are experts at travel. They are good at...traveling. Their skills at being on an airplane are better than yours and they are able to eat at foreign restaurants in a way that is superior to the way you eat when you are in a foreign restaurant. They also have cool luggage (we’re guessing) and can get their bags before you do. Just a fantasy here, but we also picture them breezing through customs and having special cases for their passports that make you say, “Woah, is that what you hold your passport in?” Anyway, these experts have come out with a new list of what you should never wear on a plane. Read these carefully. You don’t want to be the guy wearing:
1. A shirt with racial epithets. We’ve all rolled out of bed, put on our racial epithet tee and headed to the airport. Next time you’re taking a trip, leave it at home. 2. A jock strap and nothing else. Jock straps don’t have a backside. Bet you didn’t know that. While convenient, we’ve found that if you wear this, you don’t even make it to the baggage check. 3. A strap on. Of course you want to pack one, but don’t WEAR one to your flight. 4. A vest that looks like it’s also a bomb. You bought that new vest that tells time and flashes a lot. It also has fake dynamite sticks to support your posture. Fuck it. It’s too cool NOT to wear to the airport. 5. Scrotum tape. 6. “Terrorist” brand clothing. Although it’s cool to wear shirts with the word “Terrorist” on them, some wearers found themselves getting shot or becoming unwilling participants in training exercises. 7. Bandoliers. It’s recommended you don’t wear bandoliers but if you must, make sure there’s no live ammo in the shells. 8. Pants with arrows pointing to your “poop shoot.” While this is a perfect way to let paramedics know where your butt hole is in an emergency, it also has the word “shoot,” which scares people.  Recent studies show that squirrels have become cold-blooded killers. In an article published in the Journal of Ethology (which may sound like just another fancy swinger mag) it has been revealed that the beloved breed of herbivory varmints are now blood-thirsty meat eaters, hunting smaller weevils and mice and crunching them like Kit Kats, if Kit Kats were made of mice and weevils. Anyway… The Intergalactic Business Report, while late to this story, is way ahead of schedule in identifying new, formerly innocent creatures turned predators. Is this really happening? Yes. Kind of? Read our list below:
Harmless beings that have turned cold-blooded killers. 1. Koala bears. Night videos have captured a group of these “docile” furries decimating a herd of cattle. When they notice they are being filmed, they also destroy the camera. 2. Lemurs. Unlike the zoo favorites who amuse you with their playful antics, a new breed of Lemurs, who weigh close to one hundred pounds, are hiding in your attic. And they will fuck you up. 3. Vegan chicks. We all kind of knew this one. 4. Watermelons. While not technically animals, a watermelon seemed to try to rip our peckers off when we had group sex with it after work. 5. Beavers (not that kind). 6. Fuzzy bunnies. Children love them. Women make baby voices when they see them. But many fuzzy bunnies now seek human blood for sustenance. 12-year-old Daisy O’Donnell of Musgrove Iowa, woke last month to her pet rabbit feeding from her arm. When it saw her, it scurried away, like the Alien in Alien (we’re guessing). For weeks Daisy didn’t tell her parents because the bunny would lift its tiny arm as if to shush her whenever she broached the subject at dinner. After weeks of losing blood, Daisy finally summoned the courage to whip the beast against her bedroom wall, thus ending its reign of terror. 7. Dudes who watch the Bachelor. 8. Dudes on the Bachelor. After days of pretending to be super cool nice guys who take their shirts off all the time, a rage begins to form that makes them want to have a one-on-one date with their feelings of gratitude and respect for the process, act like they are going to give them a rose, and then later, inexplicably award it to their feelings of disappointment and wanting to hunt humans using only primitive weapons that make the kill brutal and confusing. 9. Mini Cooper salesmen. Mary Barrymore of Beaver (not that kind) Creek Colorado put her arm too close to a Mini Cooper salesman as she gestured towards an automobile. He lunged with this mouth but she retracted her limb just in time. Tip: keep your hands in your pockets. 10. Luiz Guzman. You always suspected this. Go with your gut.  You’ve just arrived at a resort in Mexico and made it there without having your bus hijacked by the cartel and being murdered on the side of the highway after being yelled at by people wearing freaky skull face masks who seem really really angry and need information immediately only you can’t give it to them because you don’t speak Spanish and even if you did you have a pretty good feeling they’d murder you anyway.
Is it time for a Margarita and a rub down? Hell yes. But then you look through your luggage and notice you’ve left behind crucial items whose absence has now ruined your vacation. How could you forget them again? We don’t know you but the odds are you have early onset dementia or a forehead the size of a shovel. Whatever the case, this is your final reminder. Make a list of the things below, and never fuck this up again. Six items NOT to forget the next time you pack your suitcase. 1. Three-pronged dildo with electric shock defuser. 2. Amulet of protection versus rabies. 3. Realistic mask of the person you want to look like/be. 4. Voice changer so the carry out food guy won’t know it’s you every single time. 5. List of directives from General Santos. 6. Penis soap.  Cynthia, flight attendant:
“If I seat you on an airplane and you’re wearing a tee shirt that says something hilarious like: ‘My Goal: Your hole,’ I’m in. And so are you.” (Available at ibrmerch.com). Trish, cheerleader: “When I think a guy is cute I’ll do this thing where I smile and look super enthusiastic. I know, I’m a professional cheerleader, and I’m paid to do that, but it’s slightly different than when I’m just doing my regular smiling and cheering. If you know, you know.” Delores, waitress: “If a guy writes on his bill, ‘You’ve been a very bad girl. You get NO tip,’ I’m in. It’s such a power move and I love it.” Brandy, cocktail waitress: “I like it when a guy pretends he’s someone else. Like a fictional character from a sci-fi movie. Something about it takes me away to another world where I can be anything I want. If a dude comes up to me and says, ‘Vraktor! Gee fulla dip!’ and starts shaking like he’s a robot or something, I will follow him anywhere.” Fanny, amateur garbage collector: “I’ll suck your dick!” Hyacinch, model: “If a guy dresses up like a child, there’s something about it that makes me excited. I don’t mean like a baby. I mean, super bright colors, weird shoes, shit with Thomas the Tank Engine. I’m so horny just thinking about it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to date you if you have a serious disability, or you have the MIND of a child. I just want you to act like you have a serious disability and the mind of a child—and dress the part.” Sandra, hot customs official: “Offer me drugs. Good drugs. I’m a sucker for that.” Lois, cheerleader: “Streakers. I love Streakers. Anyone who has the balls to run out onto a field and do that can call me anytime.” Brinn, nurse: “Ask for a full rectal exam, even if you’re in for something else. If you say it’s because you have a foreign object up your ass, we have to give it to you and if your insurance covers it, it will seem like it’s free.” Soledad, community theater actress: “I like it when a guy just approaches me on the street and asks me for money. It’s like he’s not afraid of a strong woman who’s doing financially better than him and he’s just putting it all out there.” Lucia, parking meter officer: “If you’re a hobo, tramp, or anyone that lives under a bridge, in a cardboard box or tent, or in a carved-out section of a tree, I will fuck you.” Madeline, offsite independent UFO analyst: “I hate lizard people, so if that’s you, forget it. But if you can convince me you’re in any way from another planet, or even country, I will definitely have sex with you. Did I say ‘country’? I meant ‘county.’”  Don't bring your laptop. When you sit down to eat out, are you the couth, dapper don you imagine, or a scrumbling mub, laughed at by those who bring you food and drink? It’s time for an etiquette check as the Intergalactic Business Report explores what you’re doing wrong when you pathetically pose at an eatery. So stuff that napkin in your collar, lean back, and learn. Waitstaff at some of the trendiest restaurants in the country tell us* what annoys them the most about their customers.
Ten annoying things you’re doing in a restaurant according to waitstaff. 1. Don’t bring a laptop to a restaurant. One waiter tells us, “No one’s so busy they need to bring a computer to dinner. It’s rude to the waiter, the restaurant, and others around you. Put work away and just enjoy the meal.” 2. Don’t tell waiters their food would be better if they “siphoned it through their buttholes.” An LA waitress tells us: “While butthole siphoning is a legitimate way to prepare food, it’s not known by many people outside elite culinary circles where they do things like buffalo slaughters and sea salt semen showers. Bottom line: you’re being pretentious so stop.” 3. Refrain from beating off under the table. Everyone can see you doing it and there’s a steady tapping noise that’s highly audible. “Uh yeah… We can see you,” says a hostess in the Midwest. “And the worst part is the eye contact. Keep it in your pants till you get home or at least in your car.” 4. Don’t purposely shit yourself and then ask if someone can come over and give you “a quick wipe.” This one drives one Florida waitress particularly mad. “First of all, there is no such thing as a ‘quick wipe.’ It takes at least thirty minutes. And, honestly, it’s nobody’s job. Am I wearing a little name tag that says, ‘Shit Wiper?’” 5. Don’t ask to see where employees have sex with each other. A waiter in Utah suggests: “If you want to know, ask if they’re hiring, come back to fill out an application, explain that the reason there are huge gaps in your work history is because you had a lot of issues you can’t talk about in front of other people, and then ask if there’s somewhere quiet you could talk and tell them about it and when they take you there, that’s the place where employees fuck each other.” 6. Stop leaving confederate currency as a tip. “You’re not an old southern general so stop showing up with a wad of money with Jefferson Davis’s face on it and making it rain slavery cash. It’s offensive and we wouldn’t accept that money even if it were legal tender.” 7. Don’t pretend you have an australianish/Scottish accent so loud and incomprehensible that it just sounds like you’re spitting food and maybe choking on your tongue. Says a NYC veteran waiter: “Are you doing Shrek or having a seizure? Yeesh.” 8. Stop standing up and announcing you are Jesus and then insinuating that Jesus may have a gun. “You’re scaring the customers. It’s that simple,” a St. Louis waitress tells us. “Jesus wouldn’t threaten people. So at least say you’re the devil or something.” 9. Never challenge the manager or other guests to a pecker slapping contest where the prize is to be part of a “manly competition in a controlled setting with a resistant audience.” At a deep south barbecue joint, a manager says that shutting these competitions down is by far the worst part of his job. “These boys will show up and act normal at first,” he says. “And then, after ten or twenty beers they’ll be pulling out their wieners and fighting with ‘em. They try to make it sound all scientific. ‘Controlled setting. Resistant audience.’ But all it is is a bunch of pecker slappers looking for a fight.” 10. Don’t do the thing where you never break from your persona as an 80’s robot. For example: “Hello wai-ter. My name is X3459, mod-el 3. What kind of oil to you have on tap? I am very thirs-tee.” “Oh my god,” says Hailey (not her real name), a waitress working in North Carolina. “People do this all the time and think it’s funny I guess. But to me it’s just annoying. I don’t mind it for the first couple minutes or so, but when they never break character I’m just like, give it a rest C3PO.” *No they didn’t.  Don’t fall for these common election scams this week.
The “Vote by Phone” text. Scammers will send a text telling you that it’s possible to vote by text if you give them your personal information. They will ask for your social security number and other personal details. DO NOT reply to them. Fake prostitutes asking you to vote for them. Scantily clad women will approach men and ask if they can cast a ballot in return for a sexual favor. If a man accepts, they follow them to the polling station, watch him enter to vote, and then disappear. Teenagers who say they will “deliver” your vote to the polling station. Groups of young people with official-looking badges roam neighborhoods and offer to vote for you. They say they’ve been designated by a government authority to cast a ballot by proxy. If you agree, they take down your information and, if you are voting for their opponent, they will promise to vote in your place. If you are voting for their candidate, they will say there is an issue with your district, and you must attend the polling center in person. Telepathy voting. Activist groups will target areas they feel are voting against their interests and tell residents they are able to vote telepathically. They will tell you that if you think really hard about your candidate, then a vote will be cast for them. If you do, it doesn’t actually work. Vote collectors. If someone comes through your neighborhood wearing a windbreaker that says “vote collector,” remember there is no such thing. “Vote collectors” will ask you to fill out a form stating whom you will vote for and then put the form into a cardboard box marked “votes.” Penis enhancing voting. If a young man or woman approaches you and tells you that if you vote for his or her candidate your penis will grow, there is no evidence this is true. Fake polling stations. When you are about to enter your polling station, a suspicious looking man jumps out of the bushes and says, “Psst. Wanna REALLY vote?” If you say yes, he brings you to a small tent where there is a “polling official” inside who asks you who you’re voting for and then says, “O.K. Vote taken.” This is NOT an actual polling station. |
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