The month of August has been named “Drunk People Awareness Month” by the Intergalactic Business Report. The decision came following years of negative perceptions of inebriated men and women who, because of their lifestyle choices, have been portrayed as stupid and unreliable in television and films and generally regarded as less than fully-functioning, sober citizens.
This August, we hope to challenge those perceptions by sharing positive stories and insights about the amazing drunk people we call friends, family, and that guy walking over there who looks like he’s going to, yeah, he’s going to walk into that wall. We kick off the month with some quick facts about drunks you may not know.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT ONE:
Drunk people are more capable and willing to show love than sober people. Drunks are able to fall in love with people they met earlier that evening and in some cases even marry them the next morning after drinking all night. Sober people find it almost impossible to stare at their friends and co-workers and say, “Lissen… Lissen… Lemme tell you somethin… I love you… I seriously love you…” and then repeat that forty-seven more times.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT TWO:
Drunk people are passionate about their opinions and politics. They don’t shy away from having a breakthrough discussion about what they truly believe. Older drunks even begin by looking around the bar and then saying, “I probably shouldn’t say this out loud…” but then they say it anyway.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT THREE:
That music that you’re casually listening too might make a drunk person start crying. Insensitive sober people often play music in their homes, cars, or even in their places of business without any awareness that certain songs can trigger instant bad memories in a drunk person’s mind. This can cause instant crying, followed by a lengthy explanation of how “We don’t have to take our clothes off (to have a good time)” was playing when he broke up with his girlfriend in eighth grade.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT FOUR:
Telling a drunk person that they’ve “had too much,” or “need to slow down” is like telling a sober person to go fuck themselves with a broom. And yet sober people keep telling them this, again and again. When will it end?
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT FIVE: So many sober people talk about how success comes when you stop caring about what other people think. Drunks do this every time they are drunk. So they’re successful, right? So shut up.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT SIX: People write better when they’re drunk.
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT SEVEN: Is Taco Bell open?
DRUNK PEOPLE FACT EIGHT: The next time a drunk person asks you to drive them to Taco Bell, just do it. Seriously. Do it now. Jesus.
Microaggressions. We’ve all heard of them by now. But did you know they increase by up to 4,000 percent after you enter a bar and drink for several hours? That’s because drunk people are hypersensitive to the negative suggestions that emanate from your mouth and actions.
Ahead of Drunk People Awareness Month this August, the Intergalactic Business Report lists 8 microaggressions you may be exhibiting to drunks every time you enter a tavern or bar.
1. Having a “looking problem.”
Some drunks may ask you, “Do you have a looking problem?” This is because you look a certain way that makes them uncomfortable or that you have looked their way, which is also a problem. Our advice: avoid both appearing unsettling in any way to drunk people and also don’t physically look at them.
2. Saying something that may have a secret, negative meaning to the drunk person.
If you’ve ever heard a drunk ask you, “What’s that supposed to mean?” then you were probably having a conversation in which you said something that unlocked a secret anger in them. You may have said, for instance, “Hello,” and the drunk took that to mean you were mocking his dead father who also used to say “Hello” to people.
3. Covertly suggesting that a drunk person is being untruthful.
If you get to the point at which a drunk asks you if you are calling him a liar, it’s likely because you insensitively questioned his theory about bigfoot where he said he knows the hominid personally and has partied with him in the woods. Instead of saying, “Yeah right!” or, “What?” or even, “Seriously?” just shut your fucking mouth and maybe nod.
4. Suggesting through your inquiry that the drunk person is of low intelligence.
You know you’ve practiced this microaggression when the drunk asks, “Are you calling me stupid?” Remember that questioning a drunk person’s knowledge of mathematics or history is equivalent to calling him a dumb motherfucker and asking if he wants to fight you.
5. Inadvertently insulting the drunk’s mother.
Be as reverent as you can around drunk people and, as always, shut your fucking mouth or you may hear one ask you if you said something about his mother. You may feel you said nothing at all but that doesn't really matter because the drunk heard what he heard. That's on you.
6. Not engaging in conversation because you’re “better than” they are.
As much as we advise that you shut your mouth, we also advise that if you do, you may be called out for ignoring the drunk because you feel you are better than he is.
7. (For bartenders only) Cutting off a drunk is the biggest insult you can render.
This one is considered a macroaggression to most drunks, so be careful. If you decide to stop the liquor flowing to his body, you’ve committed one of the most insulting acts imaginable.
8. Wearing clothing that triggers a violent response.
When you enter an area full of drunks, be careful not to don an outfit that has anything that may make them upset. Tee shirts with any slogan, brand name, pattern, or even a style that appears “pussy” could land you in a drunk’s poor graces. Be bland and, as always, shut the fuck up.
While it might seem totally random that some people are killed by wild animals, the Intergalactic Business Report takes a deeper look at the reasons behind these freak deaths. What we found may astound you.
What 99% percent of all wild animal murder victims have in common:
1. They put themselves in situations where there are wild animals around.
2. Their deaths are caused directly by being torn apart, eaten, or stomped by a wild animal.
3. When they are pronounced dead, their cause of death is listed as something like: “Killed by a tiger.”
4. They were not wearing impenetrable super suits that stopped claws, teeth, and hooves from murdering them.
5. They were unable to reason logically with the beast that did them in. For instance, they might have said something like, “Hey, noble Moose, I seek enlightenment and not violence. Can we share this road without you stomping me to death?” And that didn’t work.
6. They had the inability to fly or propel themselves away from the situation either with a jetpack device or a rope that drops out of the sky and you grab it and it takes you somewhere.
7. They were not strong enough to lift up a bear and throw it against the side of a mountain, thus incapacitating it long enough to allow time for an escape.
8. They couldn’t find food that, when eaten, makes your body like armor that wild animals cannot tear apart or penetrate in any way so they just give up and maybe look at you as one of them or at least don’t care that you’re there anymore.
9. They were unable to expedite training the animal to become an exotic steed to be ridden back to town to prove to all those fuckers that these animals can be our friends and even servants that we ride upon.
People on the internet are sharing their wildest psychological tricks that subtly get you what you want.
Human interaction is something most of us take for granted. You talk. They talk. And then something something. But it doesn’t have to be that way. The Intergalactic Business Report scoured the internet and found some amazing psychological tricks that people use to subtly manipulate others and make situations more bearable. We list the best ones below:
1. “The next time someone insults you or says something hurtful, just agree with them. Most people are expecting a conflict or for you to defend yourself, but when you don’t, it takes the power out of their actions, and they will actually start apologizing to you about what they said. Try it.”
2. “I sometimes imagine my dog is giving me orders to do really fucked up shit. It’s super funny when he tells me to spray shaving cream on people at Costco. Then it turns a little darker when he commands me to decapitate squirrels.”
3. “When I deal with a really difficult person, I say super positive things to him and, eventually, that positivity starts to seep in and he becomes a lot nicer.”
4. “Whenever someone talks to me, I pretend he’s Jesus and he’s telling me stuff that will help me defeat my enemies, and I’m like why is Jesus telling me to attack people who have done pretty minor things to me but he’s calling them my enemies and that I need to eliminate them before they eliminate me. I mean, the one dude he keeps talking about who needs to ‘get taken out’ is my neighbor who has a lazy eye, but Jesus says it’s not lazy—it’s disrespectful.”
5. “When I want someone to do something for me, I try to make it seem like it’s their idea. I just keep repeating what I want and then say things like, ‘would you really do that for me?’ Unbelievably, this works.”
6. “One time, I just showed up at a bar and started screaming that everyone needed to get out immediately and I just kept screaming till people freaked out and left. Then I went behind the bar and started drinking for free until the cops came.”
7. “Nodding your head when people talk to you actually makes them think you’re not listening. Try keeping your head perfectly still and stare deeply. This conveys that you are taking in their every thought and makes them feel heard.”
8. “Slowly pulling your pants down during a conversation will usually end it eventually, so use this if there’s someone you don’t want to talk to.”
9. “The greatest conversation starter ever is to say something about lost treasure. Everyone in the room will perk up and listen.”
10. “If you ever feel like you’re losing an argument to someone, tell them about how you worship the devil and that you get credit for killing people and extra credit if it’s really bad.”
In its deep commitment to scientific inquiry, the Intergalactic Business Report often examines trends in human knowledge and technological advancement. Lately, these advances seem exponential and new discoveries and understanding of the universe, medicine, and the power of artificial intelligence are giving us ideas and possibilities we, until now, have never considered.
To illustrate this massive change in thinking, we interviewed top scientists to ask them what questions they have never asked before that they find themselves asking today. We list them all below:
1. “Are you seriously paying for my drinks so I will talk to you?”
2. “There’s something about you that’s off. Are you mentally ill?"
3. “You just approach people in bars and ask them if they’re scientists?”
4. “So, because I’m wearing glasses you think I’m a scientist?”
5. “You clearly don’t have any money, so I’m assuming you’re not paying for my drinks, right?”
6. “Are you seriously asking me if I’ll buy you drinks?”
7. “Could you please leave me alone?”
8. “What is wrong with you?”
9. “Is there someone I can contact, like a government agency, that will come pick you up?”
10. “Do I just need to call the cops?”
11. “Will you stop bothering me?”
12. “How drunk are you?”
13. “Did you just take your pants off?”
14. “Oh my god, you seriously just took your pants off in the middle of a bar, didn’t you?”
15. “Is someone going to stop him?”
16. “Are the cops coming?”
17. “What are they going to do with him?”
18. “No, officer, he didn’t actually touch me but I’m pretty sure he was going to?”
19. “He said he was a writer for something called the Intergalactic Business Report. Have you ever heard of that?”
20. “Oh my god. Is he running?”
Your written communication can make a lasting impression on colleagues, employers, clients, and customers. Don’t blow it by using weak language. The Intergalactic Business Report gives you 12 power phrases you should add into every important missive you send.
Get smart and start writing with passion and power. Slip these into your next cover letter or email and get the respect you deserve.
1. “I’m pretty sure I’m god or something, so read this like it’s the bible.”
2. “If this seems like gibberish it’s because I’m gifted and you don’t understand talent.”
3. “Did you even graduate from high school, you stupid motherfucker? I did. I graduated. I totally did. Can’t prove it because I lost the diploma thing. You don’t know my life. Fuck off.”
4. “You think you’re better than me?”
5. “You’re lucky I can’t jump through this page and beat your ass.”
6. “I write. You read. That makes you a bitch.”
7. “Don’t mistake my writing to you as friendship. That’s something I reserve for people who suck my dick. Do you accept my offer of friendship?”
8. “Re-read that last line! Re-read it, motherfucker!”
9. “Penis. I wrote that.”
10. “Where did you learn to read? Elementary school?”
11. “I’m going to give you three seconds to read this letter. Three, two, one, light him up.”
12. “I wrote this for myself. Not for you. Why are you reading my private thoughts?”
I’m pretty sure I’m god or something, so read this like it’s the bible. I wanted to touch base with you about the Martins account before our upcoming meeting.
By the way, don’t mistake my writing to you as friendship. That’s something I reserve for people who suck my dick. Do you accept my offer of friendship? I can’t hear you. Why aren’t you answering me? You think you’re better than me? You’re lucky I can’t jump through this page and beat your ass.
The Martins account represents our opportunity to finally break into the European market and I’m sure you’ll agree that our presentation to them has to be on point and flawless. To that end, I’ve arranged for… Wait a second. Why are you reading my private thoughts? I wrote this for me. Not you. King ding dong! Rip the fart, Judy! Still of the night. Zowie, homes! If that sounds like gibberish it’s because I’m gifted and you don’t understand talent.
Let’s get this straight. I write. You read. That makes you a bitch. Did you even graduate from high school, you stupid motherfucker? I did. I graduated. I totally did. Can’t prove it because I lost the diploma thing. You don’t know my life. Fuck off. Where did you learn to read? Elementary school? Penis. I wrote that. Re-read that last line! Re-read it, motherfucker!
In closing, I think it’s imperative that we speak to the Martins people about how we can offer them higher quality services than our competitors. I believe we do this by, are you even reading this? I’m going to give you three seconds to read this letter. Three, two, one, light him up.
Money, bitches, mint chocolate chip ice cream,
Your body. You want to understand it but sometimes you can’t unless you read internet articles that tell you what’s really going on. By far, the most frequent body question we receive at the Intergalactic Business Report is, “What would happen if I didn’t let myself poop for a week?” Today we answer this urgent query by outlining the eleven medical things that take place in your body when you hold it in for seven days.
What happens to your body when you stop pooping for a week.
1. You feel like you need to use the bathroom, but not to pee.
2. Your butt feels like something’s wrong with it and that it might somehow explode at any moment.
3. There’s a constant feeling that you might shit yourself.
4. Your style of walking becomes, “I’m about to shit my pants.”
5. You whisper desperate prayers to a cruel god/universe that always go like this: “Please, please, make me not want to hold my poop in for an entire week.”
6. You feel you hear the universe whisper back to you, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Just go somewhere and take a crap.”
7. Your bowels churn as if to say, “We’re sending a crap to your butthole now.”
8. You respond to your bowels with, “Hey, hold up till the end of my seven-day nightmare where I don’t poop.”
9. Way way way in the back of your mind, you keep thinking, “Why would I ever decide not to crap for seven days?”
10. You have a conversation with a mystic looking tattoo artist who makes a deal with you that if he can ink a penis on your face, he will allow you to poop. Then you realize the guy is a hallucination after you say o.k. you’ll do it.
11. At seven days and one second you shit your pants during a meeting with your kid’s teacher and you’re sitting in one of those little elementary school chairs.
Dementia. It’s that thing you always worry you might have because every other article on the internet is about how you might have it. To ease your concerns, the Intergalactic Business Report developed this simple test to determine whether you are, indeed, demented.
The way it works is simple. Read the story below. It is about a rabbit and a dog who are best friends. Then answer three questions that will prove you are either fully cognizant or mentally beyond repair. People without dementia should be able to make sense of this story and easily answer the questions. If you can’t, well…
Easy dementia test.
Please read the story and answer the questions.
Derrick the Bear and Paul the Clown were terrible enemies. Red Bull. One day, Jeff found a rose in his back yard. She loved that show, “Family Ties,” mostly because of the way she touched Fred’s nipple.
Fast forward one hundred years or so. Biffy slung hate cereal at Murrow’s face. Yuck. Time for a smoke, Randy.
Question one: When did Jake the bunny and Barney the dog first meet?
Question two: How many step siblings does Jake have?
Question three: Smurty bowl?
If you’ve ever wondered how columnist Ed Mountaineer stays so focused and productive, the answer may be in his simple morning routine. Read the details below:
A lot of people ask me how I’m able to do so much and concentrate my mind on multiple tasks and thoughts and other stuff like that. For instance, right now, I’m doing things. And that has to do with the fact that I’m awake. Try doing something when you’re asleep. It’s almost impossible except if you count what you do in your dreams, like having sex with raccoons and then the face of one of them turns into your boss and you’re like, “You better be wearing a fucking condom!” and then you wake up. This article focuses on what I do after I fuck my racoon boss and am what we call, “conscious.” As soon as I wake up, I follow a simple 30-minute routine. This is it:
Open your eyes. Visualize whatever you see. There it is. Right in front of you.
Check to see if your penis is still there. It is? Then keep going.
Are you sure your penis is there? Feel for it. Be absolutely positive on this because if you wake up with no dick then pretty much everything else that day is ruined.
Check for your other vital organs. If you got really drunk with those Korean guys again, they could have stolen your kidneys. Are you in a bathtub with ice in it? No? Good. Are you bleeding or do you have any holes in your body where someone may have taken something out? Keep checking.
Raise your body slowly. Like you’re getting out of a coffin or something. Sit up completely. Look around. Do you recognize the room? No? Then where the fuck are you?
Figure out why you are chained to the bed. Did you do it to yourself because you’re a werewolf or whatever? Or did someone else do it? Check under the bed to see if someone’s there, but only if the chain is long enough for you to reach under.
Does your hand meet someone else’s hand under the bed? Are you touching a body or something? Call out and say, “Hey man, where am I? Who are you?”
When the guy crawls out from under the bed, see if he’s dressed as a clown. If so, you may have been “clown-fucked.” Take a second to deal with that reality.
Negotiate for your release. Be really sincere if you can. There may be a lot of back and forth here, and the clown may get really jittery, like he’s on drugs or something and he’s not really paying attention to what you’re saying.
See if you can lure him close enough to strangle him with your chain. This gives you a ton of leverage in the negotiation process.
Anyway, I swear by this routine and feel it gives me the juice I need to go on with my day. Try it. Maybe it will work for you too. I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer writes things for the Intergalactic Business Report. You can reach him at email@example.com.
Why do “cult” stories always end badly? Here’s one that doesn’t. By Harold Vusskels, Leader of Human Potential In My Pants.
Because of documentaries like “The Vow,” and “Holy Hell,” many people have a negative image of cults. I get that. When you watch those films, you’re taken through a predictable journey in which you first see the promise and connection a cult brings its members before it's revealed that the true purpose behind the organization is to get its leader laid and maybe steal some money from his followers.
As the Epic Leader of a group called Human Potential In My Pants, I have a totally different perspective on this portrayal of cults. I think they’re cool, first off. Or at least mine is. Maybe those other ones suck. I don’t know and I don’t care. I also think that the stuff I offer is pretty much the only way anyone on this planet is going to reach any kind of enlightenment or hope. Let me explain.
My “cult,” straight up gives its followers access to the center of the universe, which is located in my pants. It’s a discovery I made myself years ago and now I share it with my members. Who knew that the mysteries of the universe were contained in my penis all along? I guess I did.
Anyway, to join my “cult” is pretty simple and I don’t do the thing where you sign up and think it’s awesome at first and then it starts sucking. I do the thing where it sucks from the start and you’re like, “Oh… this sucks,” and I’m like, “Yeah, I told you it did.”
What makes my cult different than others? Here are the basics:
1. My cult doesn’t incrementally take your money. The first day you join you give me all your worldly possessions and credit cards and cash.
2. Other cults make you take “courses.” Mine just involve you giving me money and then having sex with me.
3. Many cult leaders speak in aphorisms and are seen as “wise” and “knowledgeable.” I just say things like, “Well, it looks like it’s time for someone to suck my dick. Who’s up?”
4. A lot of cults have hundreds or even thousands of members. I have zero. So far. But you would make a great addition.
5. Some cult leaders meet potential members and charm them with their charisma. I just asked you to join in this shitty essay and I don’t even know you.
6. Cults tend to have group activities like volleyball or meditation or things where they try to read your mind. I have a penis. That’s pretty much the only group activity we have going.
7. New members of my cult get a fresh penis. Pretty cool, right? Don’t be the last one to join because that penis will be super unfresh and used.
8. Most cults have compounds or large houses where members live. I have your place. When can I move in?
I think by now you get the picture of why my cult is upfront, honest, and the kind of place where spiritual development is as simple as having sex with my penis. So, is this the only cult story ever that has a happy ending? I guess that depends on whether you give massages.
Harold Vusskels is the Epic Leader of Human Potential In My Pants, a straight up cult with zero members because he doesn’t count himself. If you’d like more information or would like to join we will pass on your information to him. Contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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