 All around the country children are counting their Halloween hauls and trading siblings and friends for their favorite trick-or-treats. Meanwhile, our own Ed Mountaineer measures his intake from last night. We share it below. (Don’t trade with him).
Ed Mountaineer’s Halloween Haul:
 Not Ben Affleck Every day we live, we learn a new way to live longer, because the goal is to do this thing for more time than our friends and family. That way someday they’re dead and we’re still here—alone. At that moment, we can finally high-five ourselves without the burden of waiting for one of them to lift their decrepit arm to receive the hand slap.
Anyway, the internet has a lot of tips for longevity and some of them are, well, bullshit. To save you time, we've chosen the advice we feel scientifically works. You're welcome. 12 scientific internet tips to increase your longevity and improve your health:
*Begrudgingly, but those are the rules.  Whether you’re alive or departed, at some point we all end up in a funeral home. While the dead have moved on beyond social concerns, the living must contend with negotiating casket prices, choosing morbid “celebration of life” packages, and staring into the steely dark eyes of morticians, who run your loved one’s final show.
If you’re dealing with loss and grieving, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you some inside tips on how to manage the etiquette and expectations of funeral homes while maintaining the dignity of the deceased. We asked morticians and funeral home directors for industry secrets and what you should never do when planning a funeral. What they told us may change the way you see death and dying forever: Burt Davis, Davis Funeral Home, Whapanoe CT: “Don’t ask for the body to be posed with a lollipop or sucker in its mouth. It looks disrespectful and you have to glue the candy stick to the fingers. Don’t even get me started about what it takes to hold the arm in a position to suck the candy and how to get the fingers to grasp the stick.” Fred Duhamian*, Blessed Peace Funeral Home, Morgan UT: “Stop asking me if I’ve ever had sex with the bodies. I haven’t, O.K.? That’s like a fireable offense. If it weren’t, I STILL wouldn’t have sex with them. Is that clear enough?” Alexia Trundle, Harborview Mortuary Services, Harborview ME: “I know it may seem cool to show up to a wake or a viewing wearing superhero clothes or sexy kitty lingerie or whatever, but have some respect for the dead and the mourners. So uncool.” Bernard Holmes, Holmes Funeral Home, Absinthe MN: “If you slip me a fiver, I’ll let you have sex with the bodies.” Marsha Redgrave, Funeral Magic, Muscatine IA: “The dicks on the bodies are hard for like five hours after, so shoot your shot when you have the chance. The window closes sooner than you think.” Jerry “Boston” Aurelias, Tony’s Death Emporium, Stockton CA: “Embalming fluid makes sure the body can be seen in a peaceful, respectful way. It also helps with the smell and makes it more pleasant if, say, someone were to climb into the casket and be in there, with the body, for a time. Which I don’t do.” *Fred Duhamian is facing charges for necrophilia. He is innocent until proven guilty.  The story of a man who died after drinking only alcohol for thirty days sent ripples of fear among drinkers across the world.
Unlike the man who ate only soap for a day before dying and the man who ate only rat poison for one hour, the man who died after drinking only alcohol for thirty days has mystified news followers with his story of perseverance sabotaged by the miscalculation that drinking nothing but alcohol for weeks would be fine and not kill you. This Thai news story immediately captivated the staff of the Intergalactic Business Report and editors scrambled to cover this breaking threat to public health. Indeed, several editors, who were on their twentieth and twenty-fifth days of drinking felt compelled to take a pause until further research into the subject could be conducted. Also in Thailand, an influencer died after drinking two bottles of whiskey in twenty minutes, prompting us to consider whether the new alcohol health threat was perhaps just a “Thai thing.” Turns out, it’s not. In fact, almost anyone who drinks alcohol could be affected if they do one of several seemingly harmless, alcohol related activities. If you drink, read our report before you take another sip. NEVER do these 7 things, if you drink alcohol. (Unless you want to die.) 1. Drink from a “booze hose,” which can shoot alcohol into your mouth like a pressure washer you hooked up to your mouth. Only instead of water, it’s alcohol. Apparently, the rate of alcohol to your swallowing power is a problem. Also, the amount of alcohol you put into your body is also a problem. Like a death problem. 2. Do 72 shots in 14 minutes. For some reason, your body seems unable to metabolize the alcohol in this time frame. It also seems unable to “be alive.” 3. Do intravenous alcohol through an IV. Even with careful monitoring by an off-duty nurse who likes to get fucked up and is off-duty because she got fired for fondling patients, this method of consuming alcohol could end your life by quickly accelerating your blood/alcohol level to 100% alcohol with some traces of blood.* 4. Inject gin or vodka into your groin or buttocks. While this may seem harmless, apparently it isn’t. 5. Submerge your head into a vat of beer and not come out till you drink it all. Even the character “Landfill” in Beerfest couldn’t do this one although the scene has inspired many people to take on this challenge. Don’t be one of them. 6. Take a loaded gun, point it at your head, do a shot, and then pull the trigger. Called “going shot for shot” this game has an almost 100% death rate. 7. Strap a keg of beer to your back, place the tap in your mouth, and jump off a cliff. *Some skeptics have argued you could become a kind of semi-animated zombie creature and function by just running booze through your veins in place of blood but we’re waiting on the science to back this up.** **The science just got here and it says you’d die. We know, it would be cool to be the zombie thing. Sorry. Loneliness epidemic? Use these seven simple party tips and instantly rekindle social connection.7/12/2025  Test the sparklers before you put them in your butt. America has become a culture of disconnection. Friendships decline, neighbors don’t socialize, and the dinner party is an ancient relic. In our growing isolation, the simple necessity of human companionship and friend networks have become less needed for survival and replaced with empty social media relationships, zoom calls, and artificial intelligence. Now, many are looking for ways to overcome our discontent and loneliness through social interaction.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you seven small-sided party concepts that will help you connect, reconnect, and end the despair—almost instantaneously. Call your best friends, new neighbors, or work colleagues and try these this weekend: 1. Host a “feelings party.” Invite participants to your house for an examination of feelings, which entails getting felt up. By you. Afterwards, return the favor and let them feel YOU up. 2. Blindfolded fuck party. Nobody knows who’s getting fucked by whom. Actually, you are aware when you are getting fucked or fucking. But the person being fucked by you doesn’t know which one you are. You get it. 3. Glory holes. Have a wall in your house? Drill a hole in it and let loose with this super fun concept that extinguishes the social anxiety of seeing who’s handling your dick. Also, if you’re on the receiving end and recognize the dick, you can just say, “next” and a brand-new dick will appear. If you recognize that one, just say, “next” and so on, till you either find a fresh dick or run out of old ones. 4. No eye contact sex with a donkey. No eye contact is with the donkey itself and not onlookers. If you stare down the donkey, it will kick the fuck out of you. 5. Peanut butter dick slapping. This one speaks for itself. 6. Bonfire where you all fuck each other. Start the fire. Someone plays a ukelele. Then you fuck each other. If you can, have the ukelele player sing “We didn’t start the fire.” Or don’t. 7. Eyes Wide Open sex party. Like the sex parties from “Eyes Wide Shut” except there are no masks and everyone knows everyone, at least in the sense that they’ve been introduced at the taco bar. Note: set up a taco bar beforehand. Thirty years ago when a crazy person had fantasies about fighting a celebrity, no one heard about it. Today, we get to see minute by minute ranting, plotting, and hard to follow lists of grievances. When Brian Johnson, known as the “Liver King” for his prehistoric diet and behavior showed up in Austin Texas to hunt for Joe Rogan, Instagram viewers were subjected to seeing what looked like someone put a scary homeless person put on camera and said: “Go.”
When Johnson was detained and issued a restraining order, our own Ed Mountaineer, also known for his celebrity obsession and beefs, immediately decided to issue his own challenge to Joe Rogan. We have reprinted it below: Ed Mountaineer’s challenge to Joe Rogan. Joe. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but we have tension too. Not the kind of tension that will get me detained by the Austin PD, but the kind where I write an internet article and say weird shit you will never read and act like that somehow connects us to each other. I have a beef with you. In fact, I have many beefs. I am going to list them now and give you an opportunity to address them: 1. Our relationship is one-sided. If our friendship was a business, you would be an outside investor who owned zero percent and never answered the direct mail piece we mass mailed to everyone about buying property on a beautiful lake in Tennessee. 2. Unnghh. Arrgggh. That’s angry talk. 3. Crazy eyes. I can’t show you these on paper but they’re there and they are watching you in a way that makes your feel uncomfortable and maybe a little sorry for me but, nope, you’re just uncomfortable. 4. I am not wearing a shirt. 5. Pants are still on in case you’re wondering. 6. It’s basically me, in jeans, without a shirt on. 7. The jeans aren’t nice. They’re like jorts before they become jorts, which become jorts because the jeans are so bad you just make them into jorts because who gives a fuck. 8. You could cut the tension between us with a knife. But I don’t have a knife so don’t freak out. 9. I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  Even if you did drink Hulk Juice, you are still responsible for your actions. Before automobiles, drunk driving was just a challenge riders took on a sentient horse. Today, it’s seen as a despicable act warranting shame and imprisonment. In fact, one of the most terrifying situations one can face is being pulled over by a suspicious cop who starts asking too many questions about your sobriety. You feel trapped and nervous as he seems to look right through your lies. You stutter and stammer and pray that he will get a radio call that there’s a hostage situation at a monastery, drawing him away from the scene, but not before he says to you: “This is your lucky day.”
Unfortunately, that last part never actually happens. Instead, you get interrogated and submit to “tests” designed for your failure. You suck on a breathalyzer and recite the alphabet backwards for about two letters before he throws you in the back of his car and your life is over. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We spoke directly with a defense lawyer* who gave us tips for what NOT to do when you’ve been drinking and are pulled over. Follow these and stay free, safe, and not sexually assaulted by prisoners. Nine things NEVER to say if you are pulled over for suspicion of drunk driving. 1. ‘Scuse me miss, can you get me annover drink? 2. I must warn you sir, that I drank Hulk juice this morning and I may explode in rage at any moment. I cannot be held responsible for my actions in five, four, three, two… 3. Do I smell fritattas? Nope, That’s your B.O. Please stand back. 4. I’m an undercover cop. Now YOU’RE arrested. 5. No, I will not suck your dick for a dollar! Did everyone hear this guy? This guy just asked me if I’d suck his dick! For a dollar! 6. I think your wife is in my trunk. You may want to check on her. 7. Psst. I think you have an erection. 8. Human trafficking? What? 9. O.K. Fine. I’ll suck your dick for a dollar. *Just because someone says he’s a defense lawyer, doesn’t mean he is. He could also just be some guy who might not have even said he’s a lawyer but it’s hard to remember because there were a lot of drinks and it was over a three day period and there were times when you thought to yourself, “Have I been up for like three days? Because I must have taken some kind of drugs to be awake this long.”  Think way back to your childhood and the first time your dad or mom taught you how to use the toilet. They probably focused on the poop and pee part and not much else. Maybe they also showed you how to wipe. One thing I can almost guarantee they never taught you was how to flush. That’s o.k. because they never learned how to do it themselves. Like you, their parents were ignorant about the toilet techniques that make bathroom life easier, more enjoyable, and safer.
Flush forward to today—when you used your toilet, extended your arm to the flusher, and pressed it down, not thinking how that subtle motion could affect the flow of poop and pee as they descend into the complex system of pipes and tunnels we call “plumbing.” While there are all sorts of toilet things I could teach you (and I will), today I’m focusing on the most basic toilet action of all—the flush. Most people use what I call a “hard tap” flush motion, which is where you hit the flusher and press down with one or two fingers and then release. While this seems to accomplish a solid flush, what you’re really doing is sacrificing a good flush for a speedy one. Other people try to go even faster using what I call the “hit and quit it” motion, which is where you avoid touching the flusher for very long and do the quickest, softest tap you can. (News flash: touching the flusher for a short time isn’t going to keep all the feces from other people who have touched that thing off your fingers, so you may as well linger and do it right). A good flush takes three fingers or a steady thumb—your choice. I recommend raising your hand in a “scout’s honor” motion, dropping it into range, and then slowly depressing the flusher for three full seconds. Count it out: One…Two…Three. You got it! The other method is with the thumb, as I mentioned above. This is an advanced flush that you would use if you didn’t have other fingers or if you were trying to impress someone—like me maybe? Anyway… if you DID do it this way, you would take your thumb and aim it towards the flusher. Line the thumb up with your line of sight and hold it there until you can see the flusher in the “crosshairs,” which you have to imagine being just above the tip of your thumb. Once that looks even, make a direct line for the flusher with the thumb and then flush. Because the thumb has more power than the three finger method, you should only flush for two seconds. Count it out, as I mentioned before. I hope this has been helpful and taught you a few things. I’ll try to come back and offer more tips about how to use your toilet. In the meanwhile, always be safe and use the proper techniques. If you do that, you can watch your poop and pee float away along with your troubles. All the best, André André DeSantis goes deep inside your pipes and holes. He also tells us he’s a plumber. He can be reached at [email protected].  Boys will be boys. And they will measure their penises. They’ve been doing this since rulers and tape measures were invented. But what does penis length really tell us about the size of our penises? According to Intergalactic Business Report Staff Scientist Dr. Jude Beedlebury, penis length, width, and weight are not as important as you may think. Instead, he points to “cavern depth” as an indicator of how “big” a man’s penis actually is.
“Bigness is the term I use for measuring mens’ penises,” says Beedlebury. “Penis size needs to be completely rethought. We should be considering a penis not in terms of its measurable size but in terms of its size relative to the hole it enters.” The “hole” or “cavern” determines actual penis size, according to Beedlbury. He uses the analogy of a banana a woman throws in her purse. “Let’s say the purse is large, like a hobo bag,” he explains. “The banana, no matter what size, will fit very easily. There’s no need to measure the banana in this case. In a sense, all bananas thrown into this purse may as well be equal.” He continues: “Now let’s say the purse is tiny, like a clutch. Almost any size banana is now huge, almost overpowering. You could say that any banana is now a fat, girthy monster.” He laughs. It’s not super funny, but he laughs. And it’s also a little weird how he’s looking at you when he laughs—like he wants you to join him in laughing, but the thing in your mind where you laugh because you can’t help it just isn’t there. Then keeps talking: “There’s no need to measure it, right? Because it more than fits. Even if it’s a really tiny banana, like one of those things you see in the grocery store and you’re like, is that a banana? And someone else is like, I think so? And then you see they’re from South America and they’re called something else, but basically they’re a banana?” Dr. Beedlebury says it is very important to note that if you did have an objectively giant banana it wouldn’t fit in a small purse and would be excluded from getting in there and the purse would have to wait for a more comfortable, diminutive banana to enter it. “Oh, and one other thing,” he says. “This is really important!” (He’s breathing super hard and looks really excited). “If you have a huge banana, it can only fit in hobo bags, which I call ‘ho bags.’ Get it?” He calms down and looks serious. “You get the analogy though, right?” he asks. He continues: “What we have for years considered small penises are actually huge and what we have considered giant cocks are in reality totally irrelevant.” If you’re wondering how “big” Dr. Beedlebury’s penis is, he tells us it is a “monster dong” according to his new penis measurement system. When asked, “Yeah, but seriously. How big is it if you actually measured?” he gets almost unhealthily upset and then kind of fake calms down before asking if you’re gonna have another drink. When you say no, he mutters, “It depends what your cavern depth is.” When asked, “Right. But if you didn’t look at that, and just literally measured your dick with a ruler or something, how many inches would it be?” he goes nuts and leaves the bar, and you’re wondering why you even started talking to this dude. Dr. Jude Beedlebury is the Intergalactic Business Report Staff Scientist. He did not write this article himself, but it is about him. He can be reached with your questions and comments at [email protected].  Travel experts are people who are experts at travel. They are good at...traveling. Their skills at being on an airplane are better than yours and they are able to eat at foreign restaurants in a way that is superior to the way you eat when you are in a foreign restaurant. They also have cool luggage (we’re guessing) and can get their bags before you do. Just a fantasy here, but we also picture them breezing through customs and having special cases for their passports that make you say, “Woah, is that what you hold your passport in?” Anyway, these experts have come out with a new list of what you should never wear on a plane. Read these carefully. You don’t want to be the guy wearing:
1. A shirt with racial epithets. We’ve all rolled out of bed, put on our racial epithet tee and headed to the airport. Next time you’re taking a trip, leave it at home. 2. A jock strap and nothing else. Jock straps don’t have a backside. Bet you didn’t know that. While convenient, we’ve found that if you wear this, you don’t even make it to the baggage check. 3. A strap on. Of course you want to pack one, but don’t WEAR one to your flight. 4. A vest that looks like it’s also a bomb. You bought that new vest that tells time and flashes a lot. It also has fake dynamite sticks to support your posture. Fuck it. It’s too cool NOT to wear to the airport. 5. Scrotum tape. 6. “Terrorist” brand clothing. Although it’s cool to wear shirts with the word “Terrorist” on them, some wearers found themselves getting shot or becoming unwilling participants in training exercises. 7. Bandoliers. It’s recommended you don’t wear bandoliers but if you must, make sure there’s no live ammo in the shells. 8. Pants with arrows pointing to your “poop shoot.” While this is a perfect way to let paramedics know where your butt hole is in an emergency, it also has the word “shoot,” which scares people. |
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