 Keanu eats a cupcake on his birthday and then gives a zillion dollars to sick children. That’s a typical report on how awesome the John Wick actor is. Search for apocryphal stories about Reeves on the internet and you’ll find accounts of him helping random strangers, riding the subway like a regular dude, and engaging in countless acts of kindness.
The Intergalactic Business Report is a serious publication. Did you hear that, dad? Anyway, we decided to look deeper into the reality of Keanu Reeves and what we found is that he’s even better than anyone ever thought and much much better than other celebrities, like, for instance, Ryan Reynolds or whatever. Don’t believe that’s even possible? Read what we found. KEANU STORY: Kitten colony. Several years ago, Reeves noticed that stray cats in Venice, Italy were overwhelming the city and reproducing at rates that left them starving and desperate. To counter this, he established a cat colony on an island off the coast of West Africa to care for the animals and loosen the burden on the ancient city. OTHER CELEBRITY COMPARISON STORY: Fuck those cats. Prior to Keanu’s cat effort, actor Ryan Reynolds visited Venice and saw all the cats running around. “Fuck those cats,” he purportedly said. KEANU STORY: Alien invasion thwarted. Although the year this occurred is still in question, several members of the scientific community** confirm that an alien plan to conquer Earth was ended when a vanguard spacecraft landed near Keanu’s California home. Reeves heard some noises and approached the craft in his back yard. The space invaders, believing Reeves was the leader of our world, quickly de-escalated their plans, even saying, “No way are we going to ruin a place where someone so kind and nice and incredibly cool exists.” They left, never to return, but not before making Keanu an honorary alien leader and protector of our planet. OTHER CELEBRITY COMPARISON STORY: Drunk alien challenge. Nearby, actor Ryan Reynolds sat in his backyard, drunkenly drinking his Aviator gin, and screaming to the heavens that he challenges all space aliens to war. Thank goodness, the armada’s scout landed in Keanu Reeve’s back yard instead. Otherwise, Reynolds would have fucked our planet (again). KEANU STORY: COVID cure. Urban legend has it that Keanu’s touch may cure COVID-19, but even Keanu Reeve’s isn’t capable of such Jesus-like acts. Insiders close to Reeves, however, confirm that he is able to confront the virus and it dissolves instantly when it realizes how awesome Keanu is. This interaction, unlike a simple touch, takes thirty seconds and makes it impossible, unfortunately, for Reeves to effectively cure everyone in the world in a timely manner. COMPARISON CELEBRITY STORY: Pissed off Coronavirus decides to stick around. Many scientists*** are now saying that Covid would have died off last year, but then it saw actor Ryan Reynolds and decided to stay. *This isn’t written by AI, so this is real people. Right? **Ed Mountaineer. ***Ed Mountaineer. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at ed@intergalacticbiz.com. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  Look around you and you may see hidden, enculturated misogyny that you’ve grown to accept without question. The simplest, most benign custom or saying may actually be steeped in female oppression. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report goes deep inside to hear what women readers are moaning about this week. Turns out, they have some pretty compelling examples of internalized misogyny that they need to unlearn today. We share them below:
“Constantly believing that my vagina was made by a man in a factory who controls my reproductive and sex functions by cranking a creepy old machine that gets me horny when it hits two killigometers per victriol.” “That when the dude at the checkout counter at the grocery can ask me if I ‘found everything’ he’s actually asking me if I want to blow him.” “My dad used to say, ‘good job’ to me when I would do something ‘good.’ I now see he was training me to be compliant by complimenting an accomplishment instead of saying he was proud of me for being a woman.” “I got my hair done the other day and it hit me that the only reason I do it is to try to look ‘hot’ and ‘stylish.’ From now on I’m going to cut my own hair and look ‘nasty’ and ‘fucked up.’” “I never smoked crack because people would always make jokes about ‘crack whores.” I asked myself why you never hear a joke about guys on crack who have sex for money. So, now I smoke crack.” “That the phrase, ‘suck my dick’ actually means, ‘Put my penis in your mouth and then suck my penis.’ I never realized that.” “Once in a while I see a woman helping a lost child find her mother and I ask myself, ‘why isn’t a man helping that poor kid,’ and then I think, ‘Oh, because everyone would think he’s trying to abduct her.’” “Walmart, Costco, Home Depot. It’s like male dominated society wants you to buy tools, groceries, and watch someone shit his pants in the checkout line. If women ran things, everything would smell like Febreze when you watched someone shit his pants in the checkout line.” “That when men call me ‘crazy’ they’re just trying to get me to feel guilty about shooting a gun at my ex-boyfriend’s car while he’s inside it begging for his life.” “Just because I’m wearing a provocative outfit and dancing doesn’t mean I want a man to ogle me, unless he wants to shove hundred-dollar bills into my coochie pants.”  Canine communication with humans is a complicated system, developed over thousands of years. In the early days of dog to person relationships, wolves had but a few primitive tools by which to express themselves. But today’s dogs use tone, facial movement, and body language to tell us what they need and want.
Dog experts have recently shared advanced data with the Intergalactic Business Report that defines what Fido is actually telling you when he barks, whimpers, or extends his paw. You may not even know when your dog is in distress. Below read the seven ways your dog begs you for help. The seven ways your dog begs you for help. 1. “You such a nice person. Wondering if you can help me out with a problem. My furry paws can’t reach dat steak on dat table over der. So, use yer hands to do it for me. Give me dat. Seriously. Give it to me. Come on. Do it. Jesus christ. You such a dick.” 2. “Hey der… See dat chicken yer eating? Give it to me. Do it. Give it to me. Jesus. You fucking suck.” 3. “Hello… Nice day out here. Why don’t you give me dat fucking treat you give me when I do something good. Give it. Only don’t make me do a stupid trick. Jesus. You such a fucking asshole.” 4. “Oh my… I’m a little doggy. Now give me yer chicken bone before I jump up and take it from yer stanky fingers. No? I might do it. You don’t know what I’m thinking. You don’t know how lucky you just got.” 5. “Hi mister… Having a little trouble today. Can you pleze open dat refrigerator and lemme see if I left my wallet in der? Oh, I don’t have a wallet cuz Ima dog? Go fuck yerself den.” 6. “See me over here just lying around like I got nothin to do? Dat’s cuz Imma dog and my whole day is just lounging around and waiting for you to spill some potato chips or something so I can eat it off da floor. So, help me out and spill some out of yer fat mouth fer me?” 7. “Tanks for filling up my doggie bowl… Wit dat crap food you only give me. So… Heerza idea. Why don’t you give me a lil piece of dat sandwich you eating? Pleaze? I beggin for it. Look at me. I doing the funny eyes dat make you feel bad. Now give me da sandwich… Yeah. Dat right. Hand me da fucking sandwish. Real good. Real good.” Eight simple ways you can make yourself look more attractive. Use these tricks to instantly be hot.10/22/2021  Eight tricks to become instantly attractive.
1. Have the type of face where people look at it and say, “Woah, that person is really attractive.” 2. Start not looking like the kind of person who most people wouldn’t have sex with even for a lot of money or on a dare where someone says there’s no way you’ll fuck that dude and the person does it because she’s crazy and that’s her trigger to do self-destructive shit. 3. Seek out currently hypnotized people and tell them when they wake up they’ll think the first person they see is super attractive. Then snap your fingers and try to be right in their face when they come to. 4. Your nose. 5. Put your hands over your face like you’re experiencing a tragedy. When people ask what’s wrong, tell them you’re overwhelmed by how attractive you are. 6. Be hotter by making others around you not hot by comparison. For example, stand next to someone and smear poo on him. Then quickly put your poo hand in your pocket so it’s not visible. Now it’s between you and how you look and the other person who has shit all over his face. 7. Start an exclusive program that sounds too good to be true and features you becoming instantly attractive and everyone has to say, “Woah, how did that happen?” And you’re just like, “Yeah, pay for my exclusive program and find out how.” With this one you not only become instantly more attractive, you also might get rich. Bonus. 8. Instead of being conventionally ugly, rebrand yourself as unconventionally attractive.  Readers are angry. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report shares their comments when asked the question, “What really pisses you off about life?”
“When you have to call your doctor ‘Doctor,’ but he calls you by your first name.” —Jeff Mansbury, Crete Station New York. “When you create fire for the first time and everyone’s just standing there like ‘what the fuck is that?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer. “When restaurants want a tip for picking up carryout.” —Brenda Entwhistle, Normandy Utah. “When you dress up like a clown for a job interview and they’re like, ‘why are you dressed like that?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer. “When celebrities who live in huge mansions take up causes to help poor people.” —Barry Sumner, Los Altos Creek, California. “When you scream your order at the restaurant and the waiter’s like, ‘why are you screaming?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer. “When American companies use cheap foreign labor in sweatshops abroad.” —Perry Clark-Winstead, Fornton New Jersey. “When you enter a mall store and everyone’s like, ‘is that guy playing with himself in front of the Footlocker display?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer. “When people are fat and other people are starving.” —Stella Peabody, Langstead Virginia. “When you try to live in a tree and people are like, ‘why is that guy in my backyard playing with himself in my tree and trying to look in my window?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer. “When justice is reserved for the wealthy.” —Patricia Moody, West Orange Georgia. “When you forget where your penis is and you finally find it and everybody’s like, ‘why is that guy whacking off in front of that Footlocker display?’” —Ed Mountaineer, IBR writer.  Afraid people might think you’re poor, uneducated, or super uneducated? Turns out people can figure out your social class based on the first words that come out of your mouth.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report follows science by releasing a fascinating new study* proving this out. If you use any of these sentences to open a conversation, you have given away your social class. “Do you have any Grey Poupon?” “I live under that rock over there and I just came out to try to steal from you.” “GRRRRR, ARGGHHHHH….. Boobies!” “Me have first grade education—is pleasure to meat you.” “Are you one of my servants because it’s hard for me to remember when you have as many servants as I do.” “Mah pet Beaver chewed mah balls off, what’s yer name?” “Does this jar say ‘Penis Butter’ cause I can’t read it right.” “Pardon me, rube, but can you break a thousand-dollar bill—haw haw haw, huzzah!” *If you’re not sure what a “study” is, it’s a thing where after it’s done, people can say, “there was this study done where,” and then they just say whatever. Also it’s science.  The month of August has been named “Drunk People Awareness Month” by the Intergalactic Business Report. The decision came following years of negative perceptions of inebriated men and women who, because of their lifestyle choices, have been portrayed as stupid and unreliable in television and films and generally regarded as less than fully-functioning, sober citizens.
This August, we hope to challenge those perceptions by sharing positive stories and insights about the amazing drunk people we call friends, family, and that guy walking over there who looks like he’s going to, yeah, he’s going to walk into that wall. We kick off the month with some quick facts about drunks you may not know. DRUNK PEOPLE FACT ONE: Drunk people are more capable and willing to show love than sober people. Drunks are able to fall in love with people they met earlier that evening and in some cases even marry them the next morning after drinking all night. Sober people find it almost impossible to stare at their friends and co-workers and say, “Lissen… Lissen… Lemme tell you somethin… I love you… I seriously love you…” and then repeat that forty-seven more times. DRUNK PEOPLE FACT TWO: Drunk people are passionate about their opinions and politics. They don’t shy away from having a breakthrough discussion about what they truly believe. Older drunks even begin by looking around the bar and then saying, “I probably shouldn’t say this out loud…” but then they say it anyway. DRUNK PEOPLE FACT THREE: That music that you’re casually listening too might make a drunk person start crying. Insensitive sober people often play music in their homes, cars, or even in their places of business without any awareness that certain songs can trigger instant bad memories in a drunk person’s mind. This can cause instant crying, followed by a lengthy explanation of how “We don’t have to take our clothes off (to have a good time)” was playing when he broke up with his girlfriend in eighth grade. DRUNK PEOPLE FACT FOUR: Telling a drunk person that they’ve “had too much,” or “need to slow down” is like telling a sober person to go fuck themselves with a broom. And yet sober people keep telling them this, again and again. When will it end? DRUNK PEOPLE FACT FIVE: So many sober people talk about how success comes when you stop caring about what other people think. Drunks do this every time they are drunk. So they’re successful, right? So shut up. DRUNK PEOPLE FACT SIX: People write better when they’re drunk. DRUNK PEOPLE FACT SEVEN: Is Taco Bell open? DRUNK PEOPLE FACT EIGHT: The next time a drunk person asks you to drive them to Taco Bell, just do it. Seriously. Do it now. Jesus.  Microaggressions. We’ve all heard of them by now. But did you know they increase by up to 4,000 percent after you enter a bar and drink for several hours? That’s because drunk people are hypersensitive to the negative suggestions that emanate from your mouth and actions.
Ahead of Drunk People Awareness Month this August, the Intergalactic Business Report lists 8 microaggressions you may be exhibiting to drunks every time you enter a tavern or bar. 1. Having a “looking problem.” Some drunks may ask you, “Do you have a looking problem?” This is because you look a certain way that makes them uncomfortable or that you have looked their way, which is also a problem. Our advice: avoid both appearing unsettling in any way to drunk people and also don’t physically look at them. 2. Saying something that may have a secret, negative meaning to the drunk person. If you’ve ever heard a drunk ask you, “What’s that supposed to mean?” then you were probably having a conversation in which you said something that unlocked a secret anger in them. You may have said, for instance, “Hello,” and the drunk took that to mean you were mocking his dead father who also used to say “Hello” to people. 3. Covertly suggesting that a drunk person is being untruthful. If you get to the point at which a drunk asks you if you are calling him a liar, it’s likely because you insensitively questioned his theory about bigfoot where he said he knows the hominid personally and has partied with him in the woods. Instead of saying, “Yeah right!” or, “What?” or even, “Seriously?” just shut your fucking mouth and maybe nod. 4. Suggesting through your inquiry that the drunk person is of low intelligence. You know you’ve practiced this microaggression when the drunk asks, “Are you calling me stupid?” Remember that questioning a drunk person’s knowledge of mathematics or history is equivalent to calling him a dumb motherfucker and asking if he wants to fight you. 5. Inadvertently insulting the drunk’s mother. Be as reverent as you can around drunk people and, as always, shut your fucking mouth or you may hear one ask you if you said something about his mother. You may feel you said nothing at all but that doesn't really matter because the drunk heard what he heard. That's on you. 6. Not engaging in conversation because you’re “better than” they are. As much as we advise that you shut your mouth, we also advise that if you do, you may be called out for ignoring the drunk because you feel you are better than he is. 7. (For bartenders only) Cutting off a drunk is the biggest insult you can render. This one is considered a macroaggression to most drunks, so be careful. If you decide to stop the liquor flowing to his body, you’ve committed one of the most insulting acts imaginable. 8. Wearing clothing that triggers a violent response. When you enter an area full of drunks, be careful not to don an outfit that has anything that may make them upset. Tee shirts with any slogan, brand name, pattern, or even a style that appears “pussy” could land you in a drunk’s poor graces. Be bland and, as always, shut the fuck up.  While it might seem totally random that some people are killed by wild animals, the Intergalactic Business Report takes a deeper look at the reasons behind these freak deaths. What we found may astound you.
What 99% percent of all wild animal murder victims have in common: 1. They put themselves in situations where there are wild animals around. 2. Their deaths are caused directly by being torn apart, eaten, or stomped by a wild animal. 3. When they are pronounced dead, their cause of death is listed as something like: “Killed by a tiger.” 4. They were not wearing impenetrable super suits that stopped claws, teeth, and hooves from murdering them. 5. They were unable to reason logically with the beast that did them in. For instance, they might have said something like, “Hey, noble Moose, I seek enlightenment and not violence. Can we share this road without you stomping me to death?” And that didn’t work. 6. They had the inability to fly or propel themselves away from the situation either with a jetpack device or a rope that drops out of the sky and you grab it and it takes you somewhere. 7. They were not strong enough to lift up a bear and throw it against the side of a mountain, thus incapacitating it long enough to allow time for an escape. 8. They couldn’t find food that, when eaten, makes your body like armor that wild animals cannot tear apart or penetrate in any way so they just give up and maybe look at you as one of them or at least don’t care that you’re there anymore. 9. They were unable to expedite training the animal to become an exotic steed to be ridden back to town to prove to all those fuckers that these animals can be our friends and even servants that we ride upon.  Human interaction is something most of us take for granted. You talk. They talk. And then something something. But it doesn’t have to be that way. The Intergalactic Business Report scoured the internet and found some amazing psychological tricks that people use to subtly manipulate others and make situations more bearable. We list the best ones below:
1. “The next time someone insults you or says something hurtful, just agree with them. Most people are expecting a conflict or for you to defend yourself, but when you don’t, it takes the power out of their actions, and they will actually start apologizing to you about what they said. Try it.” 2. “I sometimes imagine my dog is giving me orders to do really fucked up shit. It’s super funny when he tells me to spray shaving cream on people at Costco. Then it turns a little darker when he commands me to decapitate squirrels.” 3. “When I deal with a really difficult person, I say super positive things to him and, eventually, that positivity starts to seep in and he becomes a lot nicer.” 4. “Whenever someone talks to me, I pretend he’s Jesus and he’s telling me stuff that will help me defeat my enemies, and I’m like why is Jesus telling me to attack people who have done pretty minor things to me but he’s calling them my enemies and that I need to eliminate them before they eliminate me. I mean, the one dude he keeps talking about who needs to ‘get taken out’ is my neighbor who has a lazy eye, but Jesus says it’s not lazy—it’s disrespectful.” 5. “When I want someone to do something for me, I try to make it seem like it’s their idea. I just keep repeating what I want and then say things like, ‘would you really do that for me?’ Unbelievably, this works.” 6. “One time, I just showed up at a bar and started screaming that everyone needed to get out immediately and I just kept screaming till people freaked out and left. Then I went behind the bar and started drinking for free until the cops came.” 7. “Nodding your head when people talk to you actually makes them think you’re not listening. Try keeping your head perfectly still and stare deeply. This conveys that you are taking in their every thought and makes them feel heard.” 8. “Slowly pulling your pants down during a conversation will usually end it eventually, so use this if there’s someone you don’t want to talk to.” 9. “The greatest conversation starter ever is to say something about lost treasure. Everyone in the room will perk up and listen.” 10. “If you ever feel like you’re losing an argument to someone, tell them about how you worship the devil and that you get credit for killing people and extra credit if it’s really bad.” |
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