 Look around you and you may see hidden, enculturated misogyny that you’ve grown to accept without question. The simplest, most benign custom or saying may actually be steeped in female oppression. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report goes deep inside to hear what women readers are moaning about this week. Turns out, they have some pretty compelling examples of internalized misogyny that they need to unlearn today. We share them below:
“Constantly believing that my vagina was made by a man in a factory who controls my reproductive and sex functions by cranking a creepy old machine that gets me horny when it hits two killigometers per victriol.” “That when the dude at the checkout counter at the grocery can ask me if I ‘found everything’ he’s actually asking me if I want to blow him.” “My dad used to say, ‘good job’ to me when I would do something ‘good.’ I now see he was training me to be compliant by complimenting an accomplishment instead of saying he was proud of me for being a woman.” “I got my hair done the other day and it hit me that the only reason I do it is to try to look ‘hot’ and ‘stylish.’ From now on I’m going to cut my own hair and look ‘nasty’ and ‘fucked up.’” “I never smoked crack because people would always make jokes about ‘crack whores.” I asked myself why you never hear a joke about guys on crack who have sex for money. So, now I smoke crack.” “That the phrase, ‘suck my dick’ actually means, ‘Put my penis in your mouth and then suck my penis.’ I never realized that.” “Once in a while I see a woman helping a lost child find her mother and I ask myself, ‘why isn’t a man helping that poor kid,’ and then I think, ‘Oh, because everyone would think he’s trying to abduct her.’” “Walmart, Costco, Home Depot. It’s like male dominated society wants you to buy tools, groceries, and watch someone shit his pants in the checkout line. If women ran things, everything would smell like Febreze when you watched someone shit his pants in the checkout line.” “That when men call me ‘crazy’ they’re just trying to get me to feel guilty about shooting a gun at my ex-boyfriend’s car while he’s inside it begging for his life.” “Just because I’m wearing a provocative outfit and dancing doesn’t mean I want a man to ogle me, unless he wants to shove hundred-dollar bills into my coochie pants.”  Canine communication with humans is a complicated system, developed over thousands of years. In the early days of dog to person relationships, wolves had but a few primitive tools by which to express themselves. But today’s dogs use tone, facial movement, and body language to tell us what they need and want.
Dog experts have recently shared advanced data with the Intergalactic Business Report that defines what Fido is actually telling you when he barks, whimpers, or extends his paw. You may not even know when your dog is in distress. Below read the seven ways your dog begs you for help. The seven ways your dog begs you for help. 1. “You such a nice person. Wondering if you can help me out with a problem. My furry paws can’t reach dat steak on dat table over der. So, use yer hands to do it for me. Give me dat. Seriously. Give it to me. Come on. Do it. Jesus christ. You such a dick.” 2. “Hey der… See dat chicken yer eating? Give it to me. Do it. Give it to me. Jesus. You fucking suck.” 3. “Hello… Nice day out here. Why don’t you give me dat fucking treat you give me when I do something good. Give it. Only don’t make me do a stupid trick. Jesus. You such a fucking asshole.” 4. “Oh my… I’m a little doggy. Now give me yer chicken bone before I jump up and take it from yer stanky fingers. No? I might do it. You don’t know what I’m thinking. You don’t know how lucky you just got.” 5. “Hi mister… Having a little trouble today. Can you pleze open dat refrigerator and lemme see if I left my wallet in der? Oh, I don’t have a wallet cuz Ima dog? Go fuck yerself den.” 6. “See me over here just lying around like I got nothin to do? Dat’s cuz Imma dog and my whole day is just lounging around and waiting for you to spill some potato chips or something so I can eat it off da floor. So, help me out and spill some out of yer fat mouth fer me?” 7. “Tanks for filling up my doggie bowl… Wit dat crap food you only give me. So… Heerza idea. Why don’t you give me a lil piece of dat sandwich you eating? Pleaze? I beggin for it. Look at me. I doing the funny eyes dat make you feel bad. Now give me da sandwich… Yeah. Dat right. Hand me da fucking sandwish. Real good. Real good.” |
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