The Intergalactic Business Report’s own psychic, Burbar the Magnificent, was captured on February 7 as he fled through a field on his way to his magic cave (we assume). Since then, he has spent his time in one of our editor’s apartments, telling tales of the afterlife and giving amazing insights into the future. Below read excerpts from our most recent interview with him:
INTERVIEWER: First off, how did you get the name “Burbar the Magnificent”? It sounds like a stage name.
BURBAR: My name is actually Jeff Stanley.
INTERVIEWER: And you changed it to Burbar as part of your act?
BURBAR: No. I don’t have an “act.”
INTERVIEWER: Right. I get it. It’s not an act. You’re a real psychic.
BURBAR: No. (Sighs, like a small girl). My name is Jeff Stanley and you chased me through a field and locked me in this crappy apartment with you. Can you please let me go now?
INTERVIEWER: So, you’re not going to give us any predictions?
BURBAR: About what?
INTERVIEWER: About the future, for instance.
BURBAR: O.K. I’ll give you one. In the future, the cops break in here and free me.
INTERVIEWER: Wow. What happens to me?
BURBAR: You get arrested.
INTERVIEWER: That sounds awful.
BURBAR: Yeah, I’m assuming it will be. For you.
INTERVIEWER: Is there any way to alter the future? To change certain things from happening?
BURBAR: (Excited, like a girl on her eighth birthday). Yes. Yes! You can release me right now. Just let me go and I’ll be on my way and you won’t get arrested or anything.
INTERVIEWER: On your way? Back to your magic cave?
BURBAR: I’m telling you, I don’t have a magic cave.
INTERVIEWER: I think you’re lying to me.
BURBAR: I’m not. I swear.
INTERVIEWER: Admit you have a magic cave and I’ll let you go.
BURBAR: O.K. I have a magic cave. I live there. I have secret spells I cast and I can alter the future with my mind. Is that what you want to hear? Is it?
INTERVIEWER: I’m gonna go get some Chipotle or something. You want anything?
BURBAR: I want you to let me go.
INTERVIEWER: Like I said, I'm going to Chipotle.
BURBAR: O.K. I’ll take a burrito bowl then. With carnitas and guacamole.
INTERVIEWER: Guac costs extra.
BURBAR: Whatever then.
On our way to Chipotle we decided to go to KFC instead and forgot about the burrito bowl for Burbar. When we got back, he was like, “You went to KFC and didn’t get me anything? You said you were getting me a burrito bowl from Chipotle.” We were like, “No, we did get you something.” And then we took a drumstick out of a bucket of extra crispy and handed it to him and acted like that was his drumstick the whole time and we had ordered it for him. He was pissed, we could tell, and we wanted to be like, “You’re a psychic, you should have known we were going to forget your burrito bowl,” but that seemed kind of cruel so we just didn’t say anything.
In the age of mobile everything, it seems harder and harder to separate home life from work life. For many of us, the difference between the two is so blurry we have trouble telling where we are. At work? At home? Stop yourself before it’s too late. Read these six warning signs that show you’ve crossed the line.
1. You make out with your boss accidentally, thinking you’re on a date or your honeymoon, or maybe because you’re drunk, because it’s o.k. to be drunk when you’re not at work, only you are at work.
2. At home, you give a powerpoint presentation to your family about how you mowed the lawn. You stayed up all night to do it, because you couldn’t figure out a way to make the subject of lawn mowing interesting to your audience and you really wanted to nail this speech. But you just don't have much content. And really anything to say. So you just sit there and point to the screen that has some clip art of a guy mowing the lawn, except he’s not mowing a lawn. It’s just a picture of Hitler.
3. You start tenderizing and seasoning raw meat on your desk, believing you are in a cooking class, which you signed up to do that weekend. You keep looking for the instructor, who isn’t there, so you keep pounding the meat, till someone asks you why you aren’t on an important conference call. You’re not sure what to do or how to answer, so you just pull down your pants and your co-worker leaves. “Good job,” you think to yourself.
4. You adopt a child from another country, because you want to make a difference in the world and in someone’s life. You take full legal custody of the boy and vow to not make all the mistakes you did with your other kids. Unfortunately, the child you “adopted” is Tony, a forty-nine-year-old office manager, who is terrified of you and asks you to please stop talking to and touching him.
5. You can’t remember if you’re allowed to have pets at work, so you buy one. Your boa constrictor you keep in your filing cabinet is deemed unacceptable by your boss, so you try to pretend it’s clothing and you wear it as a tie, which is also deemed unacceptable. But you also die because the snake strangles you to death.
6. You start calling Brenda, the receptionist, “Mom,” and ask her how to tell if you’re circumcised or not.
Contrary to popular belief, having an endless supply of money and being part of the super wealthy elite is not as great as you may think. In fact, there are parts of this lifestyle that can be described as “difficult” and “hard.”
This is all according to a recent wealth study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report. After hours of interviews with some of the wealthiest humans on the planet, we discovered nine almost unbelievable truths about the hardships these richer-than-shit people face, sometimes every day.
1. Private chefs sometimes cook steaks at medium temperatures, even when rich people tell them to cook them medium rare or medium well. We were shocked to learn that some of the ultra-wealthy will not punish their chefs over these royal fuckups, and instead just tell them the food was great. They do this mainly out of politeness because, astoundingly, they don’t want, “to be seen as an asshole.” But sometimes the chefs will do this more than once in a year, causing high stress among the elite, who must either hold their tongues and eat the ill-prepared meat, or drop a class level or two by berating or publicly disciplining a servant for involuntary insubordination. Keeping cool in these situations can be almost unbearable.
2. When traveling, some rich people must rent limousines instead of use their own, which are back home. Understandable. But what happens when you order a white limousine with a black interior and receive a white limousine with a beige interior?
3. Your penis isn’t any bigger just because you’re rich. And, while penile enhancement surgery is available, people will often ask, “Were you really born with a six inch penis, or is this enhanced?”
4. People who don’t know you’re rich don’t automatically laugh at your jokes, which causes terrible anxiety among the wealthy. (See number nine, below.)
5. It still remains illegal to murder insubordinate servants. Until the laws change, many of the mega-rich must hold in their anger to the point at which it is unhealthful for them. (See number one, above.)
6. In America at least, rich people are allowed only one vote, like everyone else. Yuck.
7. It turns out that buttholes cannot be removed effectively and rich people must take shits once and sometimes twice (or three times!) a day.
8. Outside of the made-up Iron Man movies, wealthy people cannot fly like super heroes. Which sucks for them. You would think that when you have enough money, you would grow wings or something. Or at least be able to buy a suit like, well, Iron Man.
9. Rich people never know whether others like them for themselves or their money. This means that after an evening of everyone telling them how cool and awesome they are, many of the elite super rich return home to their mansions and have to wonder if they actually are that cool or not. Then they try to tell themselves it doesn’t matter. But then they wake up and think, “It does matter. If I didn’t have this enormous house and servants and all this money, no one would be my friend.” Then they consider giving all their money away, just to see if that would be true. Then they realize how stupid that would be because yeah, probably people just kiss up to them because they’re rich, but that’s way better than people treating you like shit because you’re poor. Then they fall asleep, pretty peacefully.
If it isn’t clear by now that being old sucks, the Intergalactic Business Report offers stunning new evidence about why it does and why it does it hard. Researchers followed around old people, observing them for weeks before making the following mind-breaking conclusions.
1. Old people hum because when they were younger they didn’t have accessible music twenty-four hours a day. In order to hear something, they would turn on the radio and listen to whatever crap was playing, or maybe buy a record, which they would play over and over again, till the song seared in their minds. Because of this, they have several horrible tunes that are permanently ingrained and must be repeated constantly throughout their lives at almost every moment.
2. Old people also have collective memories, which means they all may as well have been just been one big, single person and not the millions they are. For example, instead of the freedom we enjoy today of having four thousand Web, t.v., and streaming shows on at the same time so that some programs have an audience of three people, our elders all tuned in to the same show at the same time, watched the news at the same time, and, we believe, masturbated at the same time in what was equivalent to a world-wide circle jerk.
3. Before video games, children had to make up lame, real-life games, which they played outside in what can only be described as a very poor version of virtual reality, in which “Easter eggs” were sometimes actual Easter eggs, and kids hunted each other with fake guns and had to pretend they were shooting each other. Most horrifying was that during these play gun battles, nobody could agree who was shot or wounded. Someone would come around a corner and pretend shoot and say, “I got you. You’re dead.” And the other kid would just say, “No. You missed me.” And then he’d shoot him. And miss. And so on.
4. Very old people we talked to told us they didn’t have online porn when they were growing up. This meant they needed to make up fake images in their heads when they wanted to rub one out. Horrifyingly, when they tried to picture a really hot girl, very often she would morph into their grandmother, a clown, or a rodent, which would not only ruin the experience, but permanently damage their souls.
5. In olden times, people would often greet each other by saying, “Hello,” or “Good day.” This meant they used two totally unnecessary syllables to communicate simple salutations instead of just grunting or saying, “Sup?” Today, they must endure being mocked and ridiculed by younger, cooler people they try to say hi to.
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