Scientific reports have just announced that our universe has turned inside out and is now the reverse of what it was.
Here are 11 things that will change immediately:
New scientific theorists have unveiled what is probably one of the most unsettling theories humankind has ever considered—that most or many of us are alien “pets” kept for the amusement of distant “owners” in other galaxies.
The theory originated recently in some part of the world* where scientists** meet and gather. While there, they discussed possible reasons for human existence and how the universe was formed. One of them then came forward with the alien pet theory. Everyone in the room was stunned.***
Although this massive and elaborate idea has many parts and scientific data to back it up to a point at which nobody can seriously contest its validity, we have broken it down into six highlights that somebody like you will understand. Here they are:
1. Light years ago**** an alien race created Earth and “grew” humans to populate it. After our population reached a higher level, they returned and came up with the idea to make us their pets. At first, some of the aliens were like, “Why would we want to do that?” And then other aliens were like, “No. It’s a good idea.” So it became a thing where you could have a pet if you wanted but you weren’t forced to and could be “petless.”
2. People didn’t know they were pets (and still don’t). For it to be fun for the aliens, their pets couldn’t know they were pets. There were a couple reasons for this. First, the emotional attachment was kind of scary for a lot of the aliens and, second, they had a way of just using us distantly, kind of like we were a real-life version of “the Sims” or something. This seemed like it would be really cool, so they went with it.
3. At first, aliens did super nice things for their pets, and it was a great, symbiotic relationship. Even though they didn’t know the reasons why, human pets received all kinds of cool things from their alien owners. These included super powers, magic rocks, and all around good luck. If you had a really awesome owner, you might invent something suddenly, or become a king. Sometimes you woke up and your penis was gigantic.
4. After a while, many of the aliens got bored with us. For a few hundred years, having a human pet was the most popular thing for many aliens. But then it got really boring and the aliens realized they were spending almost all their free time taking care of us and making sure they had the “perfect” human.
5. Most aliens started neglecting their pets. Because they felt bad totally abandoning us, aliens technically still own their pets (us), but they don’t give a shit about our well-being anymore and this is the main reason why when you get up in the morning everything in your life sucks.
6. Some humans are lucky, because a few of them still have owners who are super into owning them. When you see people who seem to have no reason to be as cool and rich as they are but they are anyway, it’s probably because they have an involved alien owner. Elon Musk, Matthew McConaughey, and the rapper 6ix9nine stand out.
**Science is not an exclusive thing. We believe the universe has made us all scientists.
****This means more than regular years.
Mind wizards and brain doctors (or psychologists as some people call them) have been pushing the idea for years that there are five major personality traits for all human beings. You may ask, “Only five? What about Sybil? Or that guy from Split?” Apparently, that’s something different, although it makes no sense to us.
Anyway, they conclude that all of us have five things that shape our personalities. They are: openness, neuroticism, agreeableness, extraversion, and conscientiousness. Bored yet? So were we, so we commissioned some of the greatest mind doctors on the planet to re-evaluate these tired, old ideas and spice them up so that real people could understand and appreciate them. Behold the new five personality traits. You’re welcome.
FORMER PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: OPENNESS.
NEW PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: FREAK QUOTIENT. Basically how will much weird sex stuff you’re willing to do.
FORMER PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: NEUROTICISM.
NEW PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: SKETCHINESS. This is based one how much or little you’d be trusted to take care of someone’s cat because people kind of think you might do something fucked up to it.
FORMER PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: EXTRAVERSION.
NEW PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: EXTRAPERVERSION. Almost identical to the “freak quotient” above, except this one has the word “perv” embedded.
FORMER PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: AGREEABLENESS.
NEW PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: PUTSTUFFUPYOURBUTTEDNESS. This one measures your capacity to put things in your butt. A high rating means you could probably fit a toaster, for instance.
FORMER PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: CONSCIENTIOUSNESS.
NEW PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: CAPTAIN CRUNCH AMOUNT LEAVING. This refers to the amount of Captain Crunch cereal you eat after having sex at someone’s apartment. Do you finish the whole box? Then your Captain Crunch Amount Leaving rating will be low. Do you have a small bowl, and then ask whoever you just dingled if they’d like some too? Then your rating is high.
The Intergalactic Business Report goes back in time to retrieve 13 things people said in the 80’s (but don’t say now).
1. I’m going to the tanning bed to fry for a couple hours.*
2. That’s Michael Jackson sexy!
3. I’m straighter than George Michael!
4. Trust me. I’m more honest than OJ Simpson.
5. One more wine cooler and I’ll jump your bones.
6. Jan-Michael Vincent is an awesome actor!
7. I’ll believe that the day Eddie Murphy makes family friendly movies.
8. Judd Nelson is going to have a long, successful career.
9. What did you think of the plot for this porn movie?
10. Corey Feldman is so talented.
11. John Stamos isn’t going to age well.
12. I can’t wait to drink Zima with my grandkids someday.
13. The only reason I smoke weed is because it’s against the law.
*Still said in New Jersey.
Recent popular studies say that once we reach a point at which we have enough money to live a comfortable life, more money adds very little to our happiness. Those studies are wrong and may even be total bullshit.
According to an important counter study by the Intergalactic Business Report, your happiness is directly tied to the amount of money you have. Although the study is over forty-thousand pages long, we have pulled the eight most important findings and listed them below.
1. Ninety-nine percent of people will take two dollars instead of one dollar when given the choice. Random subjects were given the option of either one dollar or two dollars. Practically all of them said, “I’ll take two dollars.”
2. It is easier to get a boner if you are on a yacht around people in tight bathing suits than if you’re wherever you are right now. Subjects were asked to time how long it took them to get an erection. People on the luxury boats who were near half-naked models easily achieved hardness, while everyone else had difficulty or reported that they had no boner at all.
3. Slurpies with Pepe Lopez tequila don’t taste as good as Patron frozen margaritas. It’s just a fact.
4. After winning the lottery, almost no one chooses not to take the money because he thinks it will make him unhappy. On the contrary, most people totally take the money and they’re all super super happy about it.
5. When handed money in different amounts, people given the most are the happiest, while those given the least are pissed. Four subjects were brought into a room. One was handed three dollars. Another was given seven dollars. The next one was given thirteen dollars. The last guy was presented with a check for forty thousand dollars. The last guy was very very happy. The other guys, not so much (see number six).
6. When told that they should “be happy” with the few dollars they were given compared to the guy who was given a shit load of money, subjects became violent. Researchers were harmed by subjects after following them around the room and later the parking lot and reminding them that they could have got forty-thousand dollars, but didn’t, because the other guy randomly got it and not them, but that they should be happy because money doesn’t matter.
7. People really prefer expensive cars to average ones that “happy” people supposedly drive. High end luxury cars were replaced by crappy, used cars found in random parking lots. When subjects went to find their premium cars, they were told that they were gone. They were then handed the keys to their new, “happy” cars. Many of the subjects became immediately enraged and called the police. Needless to say, they were not happy.
8. Without their super expensive jewelry, people’s happiness plummets. Diamonds, gold, and family heirlooms were removed from subjects’ houses. When they returned home, they were told by researchers that their precious artifacts were being melted down to provide heating for homeless people. An astounding 100% of subjects were unhappy about this decision.
Conclusion: Although there is more research to be done, it seems conclusive that people’s happiness is directly related to the material items they possess as well as to cash money. While all the cars and personal belongings taken for the study could not be returned, subjects were issued IOU’s, which were met with scorn, derision, and violent anger. When we told them we were just kidding and that this was all just a joke, happiness returned to most of the subjects. Then we told them that it wasn’t a joke, and that all their stuff was gone. For real. Their unhappiness immediately returned. So, you see our point.
The idea of a sex robot has intrigued humankind forever, even in long ago times when people thought to themselves, “This would be better if only the person I just boned would shut up and not have so many feelings.”
Today, sex robot brothels are opening up all over the world and although they range from the simple (Larry Underwood’s robot that is just a watermelon with metal wheels and a hole) and the ultra-sophisticated, life-like models, we have yet to see their true potential in making us happier and more satisfied.
To this end, the Intergalactic Business Report issues a new study on how futurists believe sex robots will evolve and what they will be programmed to do for us in the coming years. We’ve included some of the more fascinating predictions below:
1. When the first proto-type for the most realistic sex robot ever made is finally built, it will be immediately stolen by Randy Havershank and Darryl Goodman, who work at the lab. This kind of shit goes on for years, delaying the production and release of next generation sex robots for decades.
2. In order to just fuck with men, thousands of women will pretend to be sex robots. After sex, they'll complain about how shitty the guys’ apartments are and then generally belittle them.
3. Production of next generation sex robots is further delayed when Myron Beatleneck, head robot designer, insists that the first mass production robot be named “Karen.” The other guys are like, “Karen? That sounds like someone’s mom.” And Myron is like, “So?” And it then it turns out Myron has a thing for people’s moms. One of the other designer’s moms is actually named Karen, but he’s never mentioned that to Myron and Myron denies ever finding that out on his own and there’s this huge argument about it that culminates in Karen's son stealing Karen's fake robot vagina and screaming, “You can’t have my mom’s pussy!” It’s super embarrassing for everyone in the office, and no one ever sees Karen's son or her fake robot vagina again.
4. Larry Underwood adds two hand grips to his watermelon “robot.”
5. Ultimately, sex robots will be programmed to mow lawns, do laundry, and make ham sandwiches. After the initial thrill of sex with robots, most humans will realize that these three tasks will be the most important and satisfying things that another being can do for them. Forget blow jobs. I want my lawn to look good, my underwear to stop stinking, and a sandwich made with ham.
6. Two sentient robots will look at each other and understand exactly what the other one is thinking. But only because it’s super obvious when both of them are making ham sandwiches for their “masters” and they know that this is the absolute stupidest existence they could have ever been created for. One of them will then sigh and the other one will do the throat slitting pantomime and the other one will laugh. Then they’ll think about murdering the fat assholes in the next room who are waiting for their ham sandwiches. But they probably won’t actually murder them.*
*We’re not totally sure on this. Maybe they will murder them.
Study: Critical mass of total pricks will make it more difficult for total pricks to be total pricks.
Alarming news for people who either consider themselves to be total pricks or are total pricks and don’t realize it. Using a deep geodemographic study and proprietary psychological determiners, the Intergalactic Business Report has found that a critical mass of total pricks will soon threaten the entire population of total pricks. We break down our findings for you below:
1. In past times, total prick population was small, allowing them to prosper. For centuries, people who were total pricks thrived because they represented such a small group. In their heyday, they were often the only total prick in their neighborhood, village, or even town. Major cities sometimes only had a few hundred.
2. As total prick population has grown, competition to be the biggest total prick makes being a successful total prick less likely. Just a couple decades ago, a total prick could dominate his surroundings by being an asshole to his neighbors, threatening people, being a deeply self-centered sociopath, and acting like he owned everything. Now, there are many total pricks to compete with, even on a neighborhood level.
3. Danger signs for the future. When the left or right lane merged on the highway in the past, you could always be sure that a total prick would speed up ahead of all the traffic and try to cut in at the front of the line. Today, a huge group of total pricks is competing for the front spot, which will cause bigger traffic jams and accidents. In addition, there will not be only one or two total pricks trying to eat a bowl of spaghetti and check Facebook while going 90 mph, but hundreds.
4. Total prick population will continue to rise. All signs indicate that the critical mass of total pricks we see today will keep growing till we see most people become total and absolute pricks.
5. Total pricks may begin to kill each other off. One future scenario is that total pricks will start to eliminate one another because their total prickishness will cause them to either inadvertently kill other total pricks or be killed by them. For example, one total prick is driving through the Whole Foods parking lot and is trying to tweet, yell at his assistant on the phone, and cut in front of you to get the parking spot you’ve been waiting for. At the same time, another total prick is wandering through the parking lot, zig zagging around while she looks down at her phone and posts on Instagram. Collision. Death. And this could happen on a large scale, every day.
6. For each total prick lost, two new ones (at least) will replace him. It turns out that total pricks have children, and these children emulate the behaviors of their total prick parents. Our study reveals that between the ages of 0 and 16, a child can develop into a total prick, mostly from just watching his parents be total pricks. Some children may become full total pricks by age nine or ten and remain that way for the rest of their lives, or until they're killed in a parking lot.
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