Salmonella outbreaks. Manager’s “specials.” Expired meat and fruit. Every time you enter a grocery store, you’re taking a risk from which you may never recover. As scary as this sounds, there is a safe way to grocery shop, if you follow some basic rules.
Intergalactic Business Report health advisors* compiled a list of what you should never buy when you’re at a supermarket. Avoid theses commonly bought items so you can concentrate on other imminent threats to your existence.
1. Used dildoes.
2. Human feces.
3. Wild monkeys.
4. Boxed demons.
6. Clothing designated as “worn by a murderer.”
7. Books that claim to have mafia phone numbers.
8. Animal organs that grocers say “are interchangeable“ with human ones.
9. Fruit that have “sex holes” drilled in them.
10. Dick cheese.
11. Hotdogs that are already in the bun and look like penises and are presented by the butcher at waist level.
12. ABC gum.
13. Celebrity urine.
14. Rotisserie ass meat.
*”Advisor” technically means anyone who gives advice. “Health” refers to the kind of advice that was given.
A message from my husband that shook me to the core—but made me a better wife. If every woman in America read this, it would be awesome.
It was a Tuesday and I was busy doing my usual stuff—complaining that everything wasn’t perfect and acting kind of crazy—when my husband passed me a note. It said some woman he knew suggested I read a book about relationships and how to make my husband happier.
I was floored. Some woman? From where? What did she know about our relationship and what had my husband told her?
I collected myself and asked my husband, “Am I really that bad?” His answer: “Worse.”
“I don’t make you happy?” I asked. Then he kind of jingled his empty beer can and looked at me from his couch.
Instead of doing my usual and telling him if he wanted another beer he could get up and get it himself and instead of asking him if he knew that was his 9th or 10th beer in the last two hours, I decided to just turn off my insanity for a moment and get him another one.
When I returned, he looked pleased. I continued to ask him questions.
“What work do we need to do on our relationship and what am I doing wrong?”
He explained. “Even when you’re here, it’s like you’re not here.”
I tried not to get defensive. “What does that mean?” I asked sincerely.
“Like when I’m watching a game or something. And I need dip or chips or a beer or whatever. It’s like you’re not even here.”
It was true. For years, I had ignored him when he drank beer and demanded appetizers or for me to bring him a bucket he could pee in so he didn’t need to leave the couch and miss something. One time, he was watching porn and asked if I could turn up the volume for him because his hands were busy. I glanced at him and instead of helping out, I frowned and coldly said, “Do it yourself.”
I went online and found the book his female friend recommended. It was something about how to use a stripper pole for exercise. Great idea. I ordered it. Since I didn’t have a stripper pole in the house, my husband recommended I just “kind of dance around” when I bring him beer. I was surprised how quickly and creatively his mind worked. I’d never taken the time to notice that.
Flash forward several months and things have definitely improved. Is it perfect? No. But what is? My husband doesn’t worry about service anymore, and I am truly present, which means I am kind of “on-call” until he passes out and I have to clean up his food and urine and sometimes vomit. Then I have “my time” where I do whatever I want before getting up for work the next day. I usually spend “my time” sleeping, which is perfect.
In conclusion, I’m proud of my husband for having the courage to talk to me and offer me feedback on how I’m doing in our marriage. If he hadn’t done that, we may have gotten a divorce and he’d be with Glenda, the stripper who told him to get me that book.
Wish I could write more, but I hear a beer can jingling! Bye!
Editor’s note/update: This story was submitted by Dale Piper or Elks Grove, Mississippi. It is told in “the voice” of his wife and is meant to reflect the spirit of what she would probably say in real life. Or should say, he says. They are divorced. She has the kids. Dale is part-time DJing at the strip club. It’s complicated right now.
Longevity. It means long but also with “gevity.” People today want to stretch out their existence as far as possible because life is so awesome and fulfilling that even a few extra moments are totally worth it. Today the Intergalactic Business Report shows you how to suck the marrow* out of life and gain a valuable two or three seconds.
In a scientific research study involving scientists, we discovered the five things that some people do to live an average of one to two seconds longer. Are you one of them?
1. Instead of eating a consistent high fiber diet, they eat one apple, once, which offers them approximately two seconds of extended life.
2. Before they take their last breath of life, they wait one or two seconds, thus giving them an extra one or maybe two seconds of life.
3. When the Grim Reaper appears and says it’s time to go, they answer with, “Just one sec.”
4. They look at their watch, wait two seconds, and then pop out to surprise the Mafia by saying, “Hey you fat Italian pieces of shit! I fucked your mothers! And your spaghetti sauce sucks!”
5. Instead of saying, “One… Two… Three… Jump!” they say, “Five… Four… Three… Two… One… Jump!”
You drink too much. You think of your grandmother during sex. Both of these are common reasons for not being able to hold your boner. Now new medical research reveals these aren’t the only causes for your softness. We share them with you below:
1. The gun in your mouth isn’t loaded and you can tell by the weight.
2. You’re thinking about Beavis, but Butthead keeps showing up in your mind.
3. You don’t have a penis.
4. When you asked for “makeup” sex, your partner put a mascara tube in your ass and getting it out is now the focus.
5. The robot voices in your head won’t say, “engage penis growth” until you give them your Paypal password, which you had to change last time because they bought a bunch of Hello Kitty shit on Ebay.
6. Your partner keeps whispering shit like, “Hello Satan,” and pretending she has a really bad speech impediment.
7. The oxygen required to stay conscious while in a headlock totally drains the oxygen required to maintain an erection.
8. You’re trying to fuck a cardboard cutout of Adrian Zmed and there’s something about his smile…
9. The Japanese businessmen watching you are putting way too much pressure on you to perform.
10. You can’t stop thinking about the riddle the troll gave you: “What hairy and scary? And where your penis you will bury?”
Animals are physically stronger than us and able to rip our bodies apart with their teeth and claws. This makes them potentially dangerous and when we see them, we think, “Maybe this creature will try to rip me into pieces with its claws and teeth.” Sometimes, in real life, these animals do just that. They totally kill humans and even eat them. It’s because of this that you are probably afraid when you see a lion, tiger, or bear.
Lions, tigers, and bears have a psychic connection with many people. This is why many people have pictures of them in their homes, tattoos on their bodies, and wear things like tiger print clothing. If you are one of these people, you may come close to a lion, for instance, and the lion will telepathically communicate something like, “Hey, Robert. What’s up, man? You good? That’s cool. If I can get out of this cage I will fucking tear your arms off your body.”
You have decided to live “off the grid” in a way that makes you prey for lions, tigers, and bears. For example, you don’t wear clothes, don’t have shelter, and run through forests looking for small animals to capture and eat. This makes bears and lions and tigers especially scary because you are really no match for them physically in any way even though you thought, originally, when you started your new lifestyle, that you would somehow befriend all the creatures in the woods and become kind of like their “mayor.” Now you’re finding that impossible because they don’t like you or care about your ideas, mostly because they don’t understand English. Also because the stuff about having the forest be like a “co-op” where everyone can contribute and do their own thing but also not kill each other for food or resources isn’t something most animals are interested in. Well, the squirrels were. They liked that message a lot because they can’t kill shit and they’d love to share resources. So you’ve got the squirrels on your side. At least you’ve got that.
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