 Don't tell people their faces give you rabies. Let’s face it, people today are sensitive, and that means they often take your well-intentioned statements and twist them into something horrible in their minds. Even normal, polite compliments can be construed as insults, and you need to choose your words carefully. In what can only be described as a benevolent gift to you and humankind, the Intergalactic Business Report alerts you about the seven most common but unintentionally rude things you utter every day. If you want to keep your friends and charm your colleagues, stop saying these now: 1. “Fuck off, dick mouth.” 2. “Eat my fart. Please open your mouth to receive it.” 3. “You’re a beast. Like the kind that stinks and is hairy. Just to be clear, I didn’t mean that as a compliment in any way.” 4. “I find you so unattractive that the only way I would stick my dick in you is if that somehow would deactivate a bomb that was going to blow up planet Earth. And even then, I’d probably just say fuck it and let the world explode.” 5. “Sometimes I wish we would just get invaded by aliens so I could take my mind off how much you totally and absolutely suck.” 6. “I hate you. I hate you so much. I hate you so much I wish every day I could express that hate to you in a way you could truly understand. Because just saying I hate you doesn’t cover it.” 7. “Your face gives me rabies.”  Losing weight is tough and every new diet program inspires hope till you drop it and just start stuffing your burrito eater again. So why not look into these seven alternative weight loss schemes that are so underground, you haven’t heard of them yet. Beaver diet. You eat only greens and whatever beavers you can catch. Just saying you’re not fat. Here, you just deny you’re fat and tell people how much weight you’ve lost even as you gain obscene amounts of extra chins and cellulite. Fitness model hiring. This weight loss technique is where you hire a fitness model to assume your life. It’s expensive, but you basically stay at home and eat while giving your model instructions through an ear and video piece he/she carries around. Big presentation at work? The new you will look great as he repeats what you’re telling him. And if you want to amp it up a bit, have him do it shirtless. Liquid lunch diet. This classic diet from the 1920’s is making a comeback. All you do is drink till you pass out and therefore skip meals. Online transition weight loss. This allows you to play video games almost all day long, so it’s very popular with younger generations. Using an attachment to your gaming system (and your face), the weight loss program only allows you to eat virtual food that is dropped into your game by someone called the “snackman.” Munch munch. Eat as much of the virtual food as you like, but if you get up to get real food and detach the probe on your head, your virtual self is automatically demoted and has to start the game over. Reverse weight loss training. This is basically your excuse to gain as much weight as you want because you send out a text/email/post to everyone in your contact list that you are undergoing something called “reverse weight loss training” and that your appearance could be altered drastically in the next several months. Then you just show up places as fat as you want and nobody says anything. Fat shaming children’s posse. This is perhaps the most aggressive and psychologically damaging of the alternative weight loss programs. A group of kids follows you around and makes fun of your size until you either defeat them in combat or stop eating so much.  The phrase, “go with your gut” has taken on new importance in recent years as doctors, psychologists, and even adult movie stars* talk non-stop about gut health. According to them, your gut is responsible for your health, mood, and general well-being. And it also helps you make decisions. But stunning new counter-evidence unearthed by the Intergalactic Business Report may make you think twice about listening to your gut. In fact, “going with your gut” may be the last thing you do. Below we list the 7 most common pieces of bad advice your gut tells you. YOUR GUT SAYS: “This fake Uber driver isn’t going to murder you, because I’ll protect you.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “I grant you super powers to hang glide using your arms as wings.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “Have some guts and don’t wear that condom.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “Worshipping Satan is cool. Sign a contract in blood giving him your soul. Come on, do it.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “If you just have this last drink, everyone will finally like you.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “Eating a whole cake won’t make you fat. It’ll just make that cake gone.” YOUR GUT SAYS: “That guy with the weird face tattoos should be your new boyfriend.” *We assume.  Copywriters* like to tell you that certain words like “you,” “free,” and “discover” can magically grab readers’ attentions and get them to look at advertisements and the crap that comes in envelopes in your mail that you never read. But a shocking and deep psychological study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals that these power words have become impotent and ineffective. So, how are you supposed to trick people into reading your nonsense? Below we reveal the 10 new power words in the English language, updated for our modern world. We even include a sample letter to prove how effective they can be. OLD POWER WORD: YOU. NEW POWER WORD: THAT/SOME DUDE. OLD POWER WORD: SEX. NEW POWER WORD: SELF-FELLATIO. OLD POWER WORD: FREE. NEW POWER WORD: A DOLLAR NINETY-FIVE. OLD POWER WORD: GUARANTEE. NEW POWER WORD: NO PROMISES, BUT THERE’S A GOOD CHANCE, MAYBE. OLD POWER WORD: LOVE. NEW POWER WORD: SUPER GOOD SEX, BUT NO COMMITMENT. OLD POWER WORD: SAFETY. NEW POWER WORD: YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET KILLED, WE THINK. OLD POWER WORD: HEALTH. NEW POWER WORD: IT’S NOT YOUR TIME TO DIE, YET. OLD POWER WORD: NEW. NEW POWER WORD: GENTLY USED. OLD POWER WORD: INSTANTLY. NEW POWER WORD: JUST GIVE US A FUCKING SECOND. OLD POWER WORD: PROVEN. NEW POWER WORD: SOME GUY SAYS IT WORKS AND HE’S PROBABLY RIGHT. SAMPLE POWER PARAGRAPH: Dear Consumer: Some dude has super good sex but no commitment with our products. Just give us a fucking second, and, for a dollar ninety-five, that dude can perform self-fellatio in a way that’s not going to get you killed, we think. This comes with no promises, but there’s a good chance, maybe. After all, some guy says it works, and he’s probably right. So, give one of our gently used products a chance, because it’s not time for you to die, yet. Signed, Master Copywriter Advertising Person. * Just means, “people who masturbate into spaghetti sauce jars.”  Your break up, delivered. You may have heard of “conscious uncoupling,” which is where two people slowly break their marital bonds or partnership by incrementally dissolving their union. A new trend, however, is giving couples an even easier way out. Here’s how it works. STEP ONE: You decide you don’t want to be with your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend anymore, but you don’t want to go through the pain and anxiety of telling them that. STEP TWO: A hypnotherapist disguised as a UPS delivery guy arrives at your house or your partner’s work and says she/he needs to sign for something. He hands them a pen and then says, “Hold on, I need to shake it for the ink to work.” At that point, he moves the pen back and forth and says stuff like, “Look at this pen… It’s special… look at how it moves back and forth…” Then your partner starts following it with her/his eyes as the hypnotherapist says stuff like, “You will not remember your boyfriend, Brian. He does not exist. It’s always been just you, alone, because you’re not good enough to have someone love you,” and so on, till someone walks in the room and says, “Hey Cindy, why aren’t you in the meeting? Why’ve you been in here for like an hour with the UPS guy?” STEP THREE: The hypnotherapy doesn’t always work, so the next time you see your partner, just pretend like you kind of know him/her, but not really. When he/she asks why you’re being so weird, just say, “Who are you again?” If they ask anything else, like do you know anything about the UPS guy who came by my office and said I need to forget I know you, just say, “My name is Horace von Constantine. I don’t believe I’ve ever met you. What is your name young man/lady?” (It helps if you act like a really really old man or lady.) STEP FOUR: At this point, either you’ve successfully rid yourself of your partner, or he/she is losing their shit and screaming at you. If it’s the latter, run the fuck away. STEP FIVE: Find a bar or somewhere you can drink a lot of alcohol. Drink the alcohol. You’ll probably get phone calls at this point from your partner. Answer in a vaguely foreign sounding voice and tell her/him that someone sold you this phone in the park and that you don’t know what they’re talking about. When they say, “I know this is you. Why are you using that fake voice? What’s going on?” drop the phone in a toilet and stop using phones for a while. STEP SIX: If you lived with your partner, try to never return. If you didn’t live with him/her, don’t ever return to wherever you live, because he/she may stop by there to find you. STEP SEVEN: After several months, your partner will start to wonder whether he/she ever really dated you or whether you were just a manifestation of her/his subconscious. Congratulations. Go live your best life.  Hipsters head home after a night of drinking. Hipsters. Those guys who want to be living in the 19th century but also want iphones. Each year, they come up with new and fascinating ways to express themselves and the Intergalactic Business Report highlights nine of their best efforts. 1. Drunk staring at classic books. 2. Carrying civil war pistols to go with their beards. 3. Brass nutsack carriers. 4. Drinking coffee that was strained through famous people’s butt cracks. 5. Trapping animals and selling their fur. 6. Arctic expeditions where no one comes back. 7. Living as hermits on a rich guy’s property. 8. Boxing kangaroos. 9. Parasols to keep the sun off them while being leeched.  In recent years, several popular studies have concluded that money can only bring so much happiness to your life. They contend that after you reach a threshold of about $80,000 a year, you are not any more happy than someone making, say, a million (or more) a year. But a contrary study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report says otherwise. In fact, our research concludes that not only do you need more than $80,000 a year to be happy, but the richer you are, the happier you are. Below we outline the reasons why. 80K PER YEAR:You can take one family vacation a year and you’ll probably be answering emails and making calls the whole time. GAZILLIONAIRE: You’re on vacation as long as you want and can call other people who work for you and ruin their vacations. 80K PER YEAR: Once a month, you can go out for a nice dinner. GAZILLIONAIRE: If you see something you want to eat walking down the street, you can order you butler to kill it and then have your personal Michelin chef skin and prepare it for you and then serve it on a table made of a living prostitute who uses her free hand to hold up a jar of cocaine for you to sniff. 80K PER YEAR: Christmas is a happy time where your family gathers and opens some modestly priced presents. GAZILLIONAIRE: You pay people to skip Christmas with their families and make them become part of a live nativity scene on your massive estate. Then your rich friends hunt the characters, except for baby Jesus. 80K PER YEAR: After work, you grab a few beers with your buddies and maybe even join a bowling league together. GAZILLIONAIRE: You can buy someone’s friends, pay them to shun him, and then buy a bowling alley where you have orgies while pin monkeys run around and bring you drinks. 80K PER YEAR: You own a place up North that’s been in the family for 50 years. GAZILLIONAIRE: You own up North. 80K PER YEAR: Your family comes together when there’s a crisis and you grow closer. GAZILLIONAIRE: You and your hookers come together during impromptu orgies and there’s never a crisis because you can buy your way out of anything. And you don’t grow closer to the hookers. They get older. You get new ones. 80K PER YEAR: When you die, your family surrounds you and you look back on a life well lived. GAZILLIONAIRE: You cheat death by harvesting people’s organs and making yourself into a cyborg. Then, when you take a break from an orgy, you look back on the last 300 years and think about how fucking awesome you are. |
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