The reviews are in and the Intergalactic Business Report’s coverage of the Coronavirus pandemic is considered by most people on the planet as the most authoritative and accurate account of what the disease is, how it spreads, and what you should do to protect yourself.
Today we reveal that many acts of sex have been cancelled by the Coronavirus. But not all. We give you alternatives and options. You’re welcome.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: The wheelbarrow position.
WHY: In order to have sex like this, one person has to touch the bacteria-covered ground with both hands. Also, the person doing the boning must use both hands to balance themselves, thus leaving it impossible to cough into their elbows.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Disinfect and clean a real wheelbarrow. Drill a small (or large) hole in the area just under the handles. Have sex with that instead.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: Fruit sex.
WHY: The Coronavirus might live on fruit so when you have sex with a watermelon or orange it’s like banging a leper who’s just doing it for the money.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Sex with bagels is considered safer at this point. But we’d advise still being cautious. Maybe only use two at a time.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: Blow jobs.
WHY: They say don’t touch your face during the Coronavirus spread. This sex act involves so much more. Like a penis in your mouth. Maybe you get slapped in the face with it too. Who knows?
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Binge watch Judge Judy. No way you want to suck a dick after that.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: Anal.
WHY: Butts contain butt bacteria. Eww.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: If it’s that important to you to have butt sex, then no quarantine’s going to stop you. So, go ahead, we guess.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: Circle jerks.
WHY: This extremely popular East Coast ritual has obvious proximity issues.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Virtual circle jerks on Zoom and skype. But you were probably doing that anyway.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: Blumpkins.
WHY: If you need to ask, you probably don’t know what a blumpkin is.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Watch t.v. or something. Seriously. Do anything. Wash your fucking car.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: 69.
WHY: The epitome of getting too close to someone else.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: 68. It’s where you come before 69.
KFC’s “finger licking good” slogan is gone. Now the Intergalactic Business Report shows you everything that will disappear from our culture because of the Coronavirus.
1. The “Grab my hand! Trust me!” rescue move.
2. Interlocking hands with strangers on public transportation.
3. The “grab your face cause you’re so cute” greeting.
4. Bar bets where you try to stick your fist in your mouth.
5. Clearing out hanging boogers from your nose.
6. “Hands across America.”
7. Hand jobs.
8. Blind people feeling people’s faces to “see” what they look like.
9. Living hand to mouth.
10. Lady fingers.
11. Doing the “fish hook” move during doggy-style sex.
12. That monster face you make when you stick your fingers in your mouth and nose and pull back your eyelids.
If you’re feeling unsettled by the impending tsunami of the Coronavirus, prepare to be reassured by America’s major corporations, which are handling this crisis like a boss… Who’s about to fire everyone.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report reviews the corporate response to the COV-19 pandemic and offer a few questions of our own.
COMPANY: AMC MOVIES.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Once we hit 50% of an auditorium’s capacity, movie screening will show as being Sold Out, even though by definition there will be a large number of unfilled seats.”
QUESTIONS: You guys seriously think you’re going to fill 50% of your theater?
UPDATE: Closed. So, I guess that answers that.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “In addition to practicing preventative measures to reduce the spread of germs within our facilities, all of our vehicles go through a rigorous, multi-step cleaning process for each rental.”
QUESTIONS: Are you still going to “clean” the back seats of your cars with puke?
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Our hotels' health and safety measures are designed to address a broad spectrum of viruses, including COVID-19, and cover everything from handwashing hygiene and cleaning product specifications to guest room and common area cleaning procedures.”
QUESTIONS: Does this mean you’ll clean the jizz stains off your carpets, lamps, and ceilings?
COMPANY: JIMMY JOHN’S.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Established a full-time Coronavirus Preparedness Task Force… to ensure a safer dining experience for all.”
FIRST QUESTION FOR THE TASK FORCE COMMANDER: What’s freaky faster? Jimmy John’s delivery? Or the time it takes the Coronavirus to get inside you?
COMPANY: JAMBA JUICE.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Pausing the reusable tumbler program and the insertion of straws into our smoothies for our guests.”
QUESTIONS: But before it was cool to stick straws into our smoothies with your nasty hands?
COMPANY: MALL OF AMERICA.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We have intensified our existing rigorous cleaning and sanitizing efforts, which include, but are not limited to, increasing the frequency and intensity of our cleaning efforts of all commonly touched surfaces including seating, doors, handrails, elevators, directories, rides as well as rental strollers and wheelchairs.”
QUESTIONS: You’re going to constantly clean 5 million square feet of stuff?
UPDATE: Totally closed, so we guess you won’t.
COMPANY: BARNES AND NOBLES.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We’re living through turbulent times together. Our booksellers are your neighbors, your friends and family. Your stories are our stories, and we know how resilient our communities are.”
QUESTIONS: Great. But you are going to wipe down the books and stuff, right?
COMPANY: FIREHOUSE SUBS.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are removing the self-serve hot sauce bar from the counter area and will, upon request, offer our signature Captain Sorensen’s Hot Sauce in pre-portioned cups.”
QUESTIONS: You’re talking about doing a circle jerk, right?
COMPANY: BUCA DI BEPPO.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are taking other steps to address concerns, for instance, encouraging cash-less transactions inside our restaurants. The passing of cash has been shown to be a major method of transmission and we believe this action is in the interest of everyone’s well-being.”
QUESTIONS: Can I still pay with the credit card I ran through my ass crack?
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are providing all our stores with the necessary supply of disinfectant materials and hand sanitizer to frequently clean high-touch surfaces to kill germs and ensure our stores are a safe environment for both our customers and store associates.”
COMMENT: Sounds like a nerd wrote that.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “Swim trunks, sunglasses and sandals are all you need for the surf or the sand.” They add: “This look was made for soaking up every second of sunshine—from mornings spent lying on the beach to poolside happy hours.”
COMMENT: By far our favorite message about the Coronavirus.
WHAT THEY’RE DOING: “We are taking additional precautions, including: Established an internal task force to monitor and provide guidance in real time.”
FIRST RECOMMENDATION FROM THE INTERNAL TASK FORCE: “Hey Ricky, stop touchin’ the Guac with yer face! Damn!”
1. You own a village of peasants in a country whose name you can’t pronounce, and you wear an ambiguous general’s outfit every time you go there.
2. Your accountant bows before you and won’t make eye contact for fear of being beaten by the guy you’re always telling to make problems disappear.
3. There are a bunch of super attractive people you don’t know always hanging around your amazing pool.
4. The attractive people hanging around your pool sometimes scatter when you show up and start screaming that you want so and so dead.
5. When someone starts “fucking with your livelihood” you always have a plan where someone gets kidnapped and you get killed.
6. You have employees who are always around. Like they must sleep in the house with you, because they’re always there. Except they can’t sleep, because every time you do anything, they’re right there, waiting to take care of something for you.
7. The chief of police is always talking about how you’re a respected member of the community whenever an ex-cop, ex-special forces dude, ex-CIA, karate master shows up and complains about you.
8. Even though you’re kind of an older, out of shape dude, you somehow can fight against an ex-CIA, special forces, karate master in a final battle. Are you a karate master? No. Do you even know how to fight? Not really. Do you almost win the fight? Yeah… You almost do. You should probably get more credit for that. But you’re dead, so…
9. Even though you’re super rich and the chief of police won’t touch you, you find a way to get arrested or killed.
10. You own an orphanage that’s actually a drug distribution center where the orphans package and sell drugs for you. At some point, the orphans kill you because the ex-CIA karate master kind of lets them.
11. Every one of your surface-level good qualities is mirrored by an actual bad quality that is the exact opposite.
12. You are constantly trying to convince the out-for-revenge ex-special forces guys who are trying to bring you down that you’re a lot alike or even “the same” and every fucking time they say, “No. We’re not the same.” Fuck those guys. Why do you try so hard to be their friends?
13. In a gesture of good will, you offer the ex-CIA karate master a fucking job, because he clearly needs one and he always turns you down because he’d rather “serve justice” or whatever than work.
14. You have one henchman who’s a bad ass but who always gets totally killed by the ex-special forces guy in the end. Some advice: get like two or three of those guys. One isn’t enough.
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