 A recent Buzzfeed article took on the daunting task of going to Reddit and seeing what some dude posted and how people responded and then re-posting that as an article. We thought that was great, so we took the same question and asked readers of the Intergalactic Business Report, “What is an adult problem nobody prepared you for?” The answers below are worthy of a Buzzfeed reprinting if we say so ourselves.
“What is an adult problem nobody prepared you for?” 1. “No diapers. When you’re a baby, you have diapers, and you can just take a shit or whatever when you feel like it. Then someone else cleans it up. As an adult, I never imagined I would need to figure out how the hell to poop and pee in a way that wasn’t straight into my pants.” 2. “Washing my body. Nobody ever explains to you that, as an adult, if you don’t clean yourself, no one else is going to do it for you. I found out the hard way that after about three months, you smell like shit and you’re like, why do I smell like shit? Answer: You gotta clean yoself, bro. Probably the weirdest lesson I’ve ever learned.” 3. “Your face and body change. I wish someone had told me that when you get older you don’t look the same as when you’re a baby or a little child. It took me a long time to figure this out because at first I thought I’d been body-switched by a witch who wanted me to look like a fat, ugly, piece of shit-looking adult. Turns out that piece of shit-looking dude is me.” 4. “Money. What the fuck is that? The first time I went to a grocery store by myself, I just grabbed shit off the shelves and threw it in my cart. Then some guy told me I needed to ‘pay’ for it. Pay? For ‘it’? What the fuck?” 5. “Your penis gets large. Then it gets small again. Then it gets large. At least larger than my baby penis anyway.” 6. “Screaming is totally different. I used to scream all the time and people would come help me or calm me down. Now I walk near a subway platform and do it and everyone clears out like the opposite of what they want to do is help me.” 7. “Mommy and Daddy get old and aren’t worth shit to you. At some point, your parents stop feeding you and expect you to do stuff like work and go to school and make decisions for yourself, rendering them totally useless.”  Keanu eats a cupcake on his birthday and then gives a zillion dollars to sick children. That’s a typical report on how awesome the John Wick actor is. Search for apocryphal stories about Reeves on the internet and you’ll find accounts of him helping random strangers, riding the subway like a regular dude, and engaging in countless acts of kindness.
The Intergalactic Business Report is a serious publication. Did you hear that, dad? Anyway, we decided to look deeper into the reality of Keanu Reeves and what we found is that he’s even better than anyone ever thought and much much better than other celebrities, like, for instance, Ryan Reynolds or whatever. Don’t believe that’s even possible? Read what we found. KEANU STORY: Kitten colony. Several years ago, Reeves noticed that stray cats in Venice, Italy were overwhelming the city and reproducing at rates that left them starving and desperate. To counter this, he established a cat colony on an island off the coast of West Africa to care for the animals and loosen the burden on the ancient city. OTHER CELEBRITY COMPARISON STORY: Fuck those cats. Prior to Keanu’s cat effort, actor Ryan Reynolds visited Venice and saw all the cats running around. “Fuck those cats,” he purportedly said. KEANU STORY: Alien invasion thwarted. Although the year this occurred is still in question, several members of the scientific community** confirm that an alien plan to conquer Earth was ended when a vanguard spacecraft landed near Keanu’s California home. Reeves heard some noises and approached the craft in his back yard. The space invaders, believing Reeves was the leader of our world, quickly de-escalated their plans, even saying, “No way are we going to ruin a place where someone so kind and nice and incredibly cool exists.” They left, never to return, but not before making Keanu an honorary alien leader and protector of our planet. OTHER CELEBRITY COMPARISON STORY: Drunk alien challenge. Nearby, actor Ryan Reynolds sat in his backyard, drunkenly drinking his Aviator gin, and screaming to the heavens that he challenges all space aliens to war. Thank goodness, the armada’s scout landed in Keanu Reeve’s back yard instead. Otherwise, Reynolds would have fucked our planet (again). KEANU STORY: COVID cure. Urban legend has it that Keanu’s touch may cure COVID-19, but even Keanu Reeve’s isn’t capable of such Jesus-like acts. Insiders close to Reeves, however, confirm that he is able to confront the virus and it dissolves instantly when it realizes how awesome Keanu is. This interaction, unlike a simple touch, takes thirty seconds and makes it impossible, unfortunately, for Reeves to effectively cure everyone in the world in a timely manner. COMPARISON CELEBRITY STORY: Pissed off Coronavirus decides to stick around. Many scientists*** are now saying that Covid would have died off last year, but then it saw actor Ryan Reynolds and decided to stay. *This isn’t written by AI, so this is real people. Right? **Ed Mountaineer. ***Ed Mountaineer. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here. |
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