7 ways to tell you’re in a dream.
Since the beginning of time, humans have asked a simple question: “Am I dreaming, or am I actually having a three-way with Snoop Dog and that guy from the 700 Club?” Instead of getting Freddy-Krugered every time you close your eyes, take our simple advice and look for these seven signs you’re in a dream.
1. That celebrity you’ve always hated is hanging out with you and you talk to him about how you’ve always respected him and then you start naming all the movies he was in and how much you liked them even though those are the same movies you reference when you tell all your friends about how much you hate him because he sucks so hard in those movies. And all of this is just evidence of what you’d actually do if you ever ran into a real celebrity. You had one chance to at least tell the guy off in your dream, but instead you sold out even when it was all made up in your head.
2. You’re good at fighting and don’t take shit from anyone.
3. You tell off the asshole who you always wanted to tell off, only the shit you’re saying is stupid, and even though it’s gibberish, the guy is acting like you totally burned him.
4. You’re dating someone who really gets you and isn’t just settling.
5. You’re having sex with your dog but then it’s your boss, but then it’s your dog, and then you’re kissing some celebrity’s ass.
6. You’re taking a test without your shirt on and all the numbers and words on the paper in front of you make absolutely no sense. But you’re not concerned that maybe you’re going to flunk the test or maybe that you’re having a stroke. You’re worried about how you look without your shirt on.
7. You’re watching a movie but you’re also in the movie and keep switching off between watching it and starring in it, but you only star in it when something shitty happens, like a guy with a cow head is going to kill you. When the love interest shows up and wants to have sex, you’re back in your chair, just watching.
In the age of social media, dating apps, and butt chugging, the Intergalactic Business Report studies 7 new disturbing dating trends that are becoming commonplace in America.
Actual ghosting: This dating trend is where your girlfriend/boyfriend dies and haunts you.
Booger flicking: Instead of breaking up with words, your girlfriend/boyfriend flicks a booger at you. When it hits, you are supposed to silently acknowledge that it’s over.
Starting a joint acting career: In this new trend, couples attempt to become actors together and either do regional theater or move to LA, telling everyone that they come as “a package.”
Glory bowling: Couples drill glory holes in bowling alley bathrooms and have sex through them till a pin monkey or a manager stops them.
Clowncelling: This is when your partner hires a clown to show up at your apartment and break up with you.
Foreign country death threating (FCDT): This trend involves an ex who starts a social media campaign about you in a hostile foreign country. Usually it’s an Instagram account with your picture, name, and lots of statements about how you can’t stand the people, religion, and culture of ____. Then all those people want to kill you.
All you can eating: Some couples today find it ironic and funny to put on enormous weight and attempt to single (or double?) handedly put all-you-can-eat restaurants out of business.
11 Amish people problems.
After an extensive anthropological study of the Amish, the Intergalactic Business Report finally releases its findings about the greatest issues they face. Below we list 11 quintessentially Amish problems:
1. You go on vacation and people think you’re part of historical re-enactments. They say stuff to you like, “Good day, sir, what are you blacksmithing this fine morning?”
2. Jebediah keeps asking you to come by for a barn raising, but it’s just him with a boner sitting under a blanket.
3. When you say you need dat butter churnt, and it ain’t churnt.
4. You raise a barn, feed the pigs, plow some fields, and when you get home you have no AC and you have to relax by reading the bible.
5. You go to get some butter and it still ain’t churnt.
6. You feel like you’re the only one in your community who knows Kung Fu but you also wonder if you actually know it because you’re not sure how anyone learns Kung Fu because you told yourself it’s about believing you know it and you believe except now you’re starting to have doubts so it’s complicated.
7. You raise Harold’s barn, you raise Otto’s barn, but when it comes to raise your own barn everybody’s like, “I gotta make lemonade today,” or, “I pulled my quad churning butter,” and you just sit there, knowing that last one’s a lie because the butter ain’t never churnt and everyone knows that.
8. On Rumspringa you hit the clubs with your new dance move, “the butter churn” but no one gets it and thinks you’re having muscle failure.
9. A cop hides out in your community and has sex with Kelly McGillis, which is bullshit because you’ve always had a thing for her and she won’t even look at you when she passes a wooden bowl your way at a community picnic table lunch thing. But when a cop shows up… Yeah, she’s all over that.
10. The only porn sites you see are out your window. They include: two pigs fucking and that old lady taking a bath in the river.
11. You pay for butt implants but nobody can see them through your thick-ass dress.
Are you finally ready to find happiness? Contrary to conventional relationship advice which says dumb stuff like you should look for a mate that has a lot in common with you; makes you feel good about your life; and shares your values, the Intergalactic Business Report delivers you the ultimate guide to finding your soulmate.
Below we offer you what to look for and what to avoid. Just be aware of these crucial signs:
SIGN SHE’S NOT THE ONE: She understands what it’s like to work for a living.
SIGN SHE’S THE ONE: She asks for cash from you and then “makes it rain” on waiters instead of just adding in a gratuity.
SIGN SHE’S NOT THE ONE: She respectfully looks away when you’re checking your phone.
SIGN SHE’S THE ONE: She surprises you by changing your wallpaper to her face and makes you read your texts to her in a robot voice while she refers to you as Siri.
SIGN SHE’S NOT THE ONE: She feels guilty when you pay for dinner.
SIGN SHE’S THE ONE: She regularly “turns you out” as a street walker while she eats nearby, telling you to come back with her fucking money and to wear a condom.
SIGN SHE’S NOT THE ONE: She tries to treat people she doesn’t know like they’re family.
SIGN SHE’S THE ONE: She constantly begs you to capture strangers and hold them in her basement because she’s trying to build a new “family.”
SIGN SHE’S NOT THE ONE: She wants you to come home to meet her parents.
SIGN SHE’S THE ONE: She explains that her dad is also her brother. Wanna meet him?
SIGN SHE’S NOT THE ONE: Sex is satisfying and you feel comfortable afterwards.
SIGN SHE’S THE ONE: Sex is usually between you and a crudely constructed sex doll she built. She insists you prove to her you can, “handle your shit,” before you get a shot with her for real.
SIGN SHE’S NOT THE ONE: She loves animals and children.
SIGN SHE’S THE ONE: She loves children who look like animals. If they don’t, she hates them. Sometimes she just shows you pictures of actual animals and says, “Isn’t this boy adorable?” and you’re like, “Yeah, that’s a cute animal from the zoo, I guess,” and she’s like, “You mean a cute boy?” and you’re like, “Yeah, a cute boy…”
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