 In a stunning new development, the Intergalactic Business Report estimates the death toll from COVID-19 is 100% of the population of Earth. Earlier projections indicated much lower numbers around 350,000 globally and 100,000 in the U.S. Our estimates are based on the number of unreported deaths, which include the world population minus the 350,000 already reported. We used data and science to come to this conclusion and stand by our motto that “Science is true.” 7 huge takeaways from our extensive study are outlined below: 1. You now live in a fake alter-reality. What you (and everyone else) is experiencing right now is a universe created in your mind as you prepare for the afterlife. Time has been slowed down to such an extent that three months ago was actually three seconds ago. 2. How do we know this? It’s obvious that the weird shit that’s been happening could only be made up, like in a dream or something. Think about it. The government tells you that you need to stay in your house for three months and all sports are cancelled? You get drunk all the time and then compulsively wash your hands? You enter Zoom circle jerk contests with guys from Australia? 3. In the fake-alter reality, the only source of news that will tell you the truth is the Intergalactic Business Report. We really should get more credit for that. 4. There’s also some great news! Now you don’t have to worry about the Coronavirus anymore. 5. If you see a light, run towards it. Some people are just walking and it closes up. We believe this is because the afterlife is assuming those people don’t want it enough. 6. If you spent any money on a funeral plot, you’re going to realize it was a waste of money. Mostly because there’s no one alive to visit it. 7. You definitely aren’t getting that promotion. But no one is. So that’s good, right? Except that you spent all that time at work, worrying about the promotion and kissing your boss’s ass. That probably wasn’t worth it at all. But, on the bright side, you can’t get fired either. Mostly because your boss is dead. And firing isn’t a thing anymore.  It’s been a long time coming. Finally, many states are beginning to let citizens leave their homes and get back to work. But, more importantly, it’s time to fucking party. This is what the lifting of the stay in place orders may mean for you: 1. You probably have the ability to fly. We don’t mean you can get in an airplane and fly somewhere. We are fairly certain* you now can fly like a super hero. 2. You are immune to all disease. 3. You are impervious to danger in any form, including pythons. 4. You cannot get STDs. 5. You have a magical shield around you at all times, thwarting any threats to your health. 6. You are now the luckiest person alive on the planet. Even though it seems impossible for every one of us to be the luckiest person, we are somehow. Basically, if there’s an outbreak, it will be someone else who gets it. 7. You can lick spoons other people used and it will make you stronger. Not because you are building up immunity or anything. Licking spoons transfers the power of the people who licked them to you. It’s like you captured their souls or something. 8. You can now predict the future with 100% certainty. Go ahead and tell everyone what you think is going to happen or not happen. It’ll be right. 9. During the quarantine, your brain has developed faster and become stronger than scientists and epidemiologists. You can now override their concerns by making your own calculations and charts, all done in your mind in two seconds. Your brain is that powerful now. 10. Your judgment when drinking alcohol is almost perfect. You make great choices and are super fun to be around. 11. Pool water, when it comes in contact with your skin, emits a healing vapor that covers you and everyone in the area with a protective coating. *We believe strongly that making shit up counts as a degree of certitude.  As if things couldn’t get any worse for America, a genius-like IBR reader took the time to eviscerate us so badly that we have been left shaking in terror as his grim specter hovers over us. Recently, an IBR reader suggested that our article about Hollywood origin story movies was so bad that we all “need hobbies other than coming up with terrible movies for laughs.” In a devastating finishing move, he also condemned us to a “Charles Barkley,” in which we helplessly watched his Youtube attachment of Barkley saying, “That’s Turrible.” What does this mean for the future of the Intergalactic Business Report? You have questions. We have answers. Q: How did this happen? You guys are usually so careful to write things that are unassailable and safe and broadly accepted by everyone. A: We fucked up and this guy called us on it. For months, we’ve been cutting corners and producing articles that haven’t been vetted or fact checked. The other day we posted a meme that just said the words “Ball Sweat.” We blame much of this on new anti-masturbation policies in our office. Q: I read the burn the reader delivered to you guys. He must be the real deal. A: The reader’s life is clearly better than anyone at IBR. We accept that. Q: The reader said, “You guys need hobbies other than coming up with terrible movies for laughs.” That article was supposed to be funny? A: Even though we only write serious articles, they are so terrible that they are equivalent to crappy attempts at humor. Q: How bad ass is the guy who burned you? And how does it make you feel? A: A genius with no equal actually read something we wrote. Then he meted out justice. We are irreparably harmed but also humbled. Q: After seeing the carnage of the reader’s strike against you, do you think people will start using the Charles Barkley video to destroy others? A: A Charles Barkley burn cuts deep. We feel strongly he should never be weaponized like this again. Q: How else do you feel? A: We feel like Hiroshima and Nagasaki because we were so thoroughly destroyed by the epic burn. Like those cities, we hope to rebuild someday, but in the meanwhile, we can only root around in the rubble and surrender. Q: What will you do next? A: In the short term, we will abandon writing about real life and turn to fiction. Our new fantasy novel will be about a noble warrior who travels the land telling villagers and lords who is and isn’t funny. His trusted steed will be named Charles Barkley and he will do most of the talking.  The Intergalactic Business Report’s fitness expert, Jonny Ripkin, creator of the Shred and Fed Diet, tells you why it’s o.k. to become overweight during the pandemic. His message to everyone, below:
WHO I AM: Let me get my intro out of the way. I’m Jonny Ripkin, fitness expert who has changed lives and futures (and sometimes even pasts) with my controversial methods for reshaping bodies and minds. WHO YOU ARE: Good question, right? You probably have never been asked that before in your life and it’s about time someone asked. But before you say anything, I’m going to answer for you. You’re a fat piece of crap, eating everything in sight, as you hole up in quarantine or lockdown, or whatever they’re calling it nowadays. But guess what? It’s totally fine. That’s right. I said IT’S TOTALLY FINE THAT YOU’RE FAT AND UNWILLING TO LIFT A MUSCLE OR STOP PILING FOOD IN YOUR FACE FOR ONE SECOND. ARE YOU CRAZY, JONNY? Another good question. Technically I’m what you call a bipolar narcissist, but that’s the kind of label that gets thrown on you when you’re perfect and a psychologist with stupid glasses feels inferior just being in the same room. IS IT REALLY O.K. NOT TO EXERCISE OR EAT RIGHT? Not only is it o.k., but it might be your one chance to do this and not be seen as a total bag of shit. Think about it. You eat. No one cares. NO ONE SEES YOU. You get fatter. NO ONE SEES YOU. Why? Because you’re stuck inside your house, with no place to go. Want to tell people you’re working out every day and eating good foods? Go ahead. THEY’LL NEVER KNOW. IS THIS SOUND MEDICAL ADVICE? Not if I were a “doctor” or “health person.” But it is sound medical advice if you’re someone who just doesn’t give a shit about anything anymore. And, let’s face it, after two, three months of being locked up in your home, do any of us really give a shit about anything anymore? So, to answer your question, yes, it’s very sound advice. I LIKE WHAT YOU’RE SAYING JONNY, BUT HOW DO I CONVINCE MY SPOUSE? You’re married? Fuuuuuck. Wow. You’re fucking married? Why? WHAT IF I GET SO FAT I CAN’T FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY OF MY HOUSE WHEN THIS IS OVER? I get this question all the time and the answer is simple. They take the roof off your house and something called the “jaws of life” comes in and scoops you out, like a fat scoop of ice cream. DOES EXERCISING EVEN WORK ANYWAY? Now you’re starting to get it. I did a study once where I took a rat, a prostitute, and a gallon of fat and only the prostitute came out of the experiment with a rating of: "O.k. I’d do this again." I think that’s what science proves about exercise. JONNY. YOU SOUND HOT. IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN PORK YOU? Yeah. There’s a way. And it’s easier than you think. Can you breathe? And do you have a hole? Maybe you’re a dolphin! HAW! I love making jokes. But yeah, I’ll have sex with you. DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY, JONNY? No. Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at [email protected].  Not Ed. Not even close. A lot of people are freaking out about having to wear masks when they go places, but I for one am freaking out for a totally different reason and that reason is that I can’t wait to start wearing a mask. In fact, I’m beginning to wonder why I haven’t always worn one. Guess it’s never too late to start! Anyway, below I’m outlining my reasons for why this is awesome and fits perfectly into my image of myself. Reason one. All my heroes wore masks:
Reason two. I hate my nose. Instead of cutting it off, like I planned to do earlier in the year, I get to hold on to it because now no one will see it. Ever. (Did I mention I plan to never take off my mask? Ever. Even when I’m alone, at home, or looking into people’s windows to make sure they’re o.k.) Reason three. I don’t like people knowing whether or not I’m smiling. The mask totally solves this one. It’s like sunglasses for your face. Am I smiling? Fuck you. Reason four. Wearing a mask makes me like a bandit, only not wanted by the law. Bandits are probably the coolest kind of criminals but if you’re not one, it’s pretty stupid to wear a bandit mask. Now I can do it without fear of being arrested, like the last time I pretended to be a bandit. Reason five. Back to the bandit thing. If I rob a bank wearing a mask, it’s kind of like we all did it, because we’re all wearing masks, and they can’t arrest all of us. Think about it. Reason six. If I can wear my bandit mask to the grocery store, I could eat things there and no one would notice. Me: wearing my bandit mask. Other person in store: “What are you doing? Are you eating that banana?” Me: “MAAAAAARGH!” Reason seven. I feel like I’m stuck on the thing about being a bandit and can’t move on. Sometimes you hit on a great idea and just become obsessed with it. I think I’m going to stop writing now. |
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