Your body. You want to understand it but sometimes you can’t unless you read internet articles that tell you what’s really going on. By far, the most frequent body question we receive at the Intergalactic Business Report is, “What would happen if I didn’t let myself poop for a week?” Today we answer this urgent query by outlining the eleven medical things that take place in your body when you hold it in for seven days.
What happens to your body when you stop pooping for a week.
1. You feel like you need to use the bathroom, but not to pee.
2. Your butt feels like something’s wrong with it and that it might somehow explode at any moment.
3. There’s a constant feeling that you might shit yourself.
4. Your style of walking becomes, “I’m about to shit my pants.”
5. You whisper desperate prayers to a cruel god/universe that always go like this: “Please, please, make me not want to hold my poop in for an entire week.”
6. You feel you hear the universe whisper back to you, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Just go somewhere and take a crap.”
7. Your bowels churn as if to say, “We’re sending a crap to your butthole now.”
8. You respond to your bowels with, “Hey, hold up till the end of my seven-day nightmare where I don’t poop.”
9. Way way way in the back of your mind, you keep thinking, “Why would I ever decide not to crap for seven days?”
10. You have a conversation with a mystic looking tattoo artist who makes a deal with you that if he can ink a penis on your face, he will allow you to poop. Then you realize the guy is a hallucination after you say o.k. you’ll do it.
11. At seven days and one second you shit your pants during a meeting with your kid’s teacher and you’re sitting in one of those little elementary school chairs.
Dementia. It’s that thing you always worry you might have because every other article on the internet is about how you might have it. To ease your concerns, the Intergalactic Business Report developed this simple test to determine whether you are, indeed, demented.
The way it works is simple. Read the story below. It is about a rabbit and a dog who are best friends. Then answer three questions that will prove you are either fully cognizant or mentally beyond repair. People without dementia should be able to make sense of this story and easily answer the questions. If you can’t, well…
Easy dementia test.
Please read the story and answer the questions.
Derrick the Bear and Paul the Clown were terrible enemies. Red Bull. One day, Jeff found a rose in his back yard. She loved that show, “Family Ties,” mostly because of the way she touched Fred’s nipple.
Fast forward one hundred years or so. Biffy slung hate cereal at Murrow’s face. Yuck. Time for a smoke, Randy.
Question one: When did Jake the bunny and Barney the dog first meet?
Question two: How many step siblings does Jake have?
Question three: Smurty bowl?
If you’ve ever wondered how columnist Ed Mountaineer stays so focused and productive, the answer may be in his simple morning routine. Read the details below:
A lot of people ask me how I’m able to do so much and concentrate my mind on multiple tasks and thoughts and other stuff like that. For instance, right now, I’m doing things. And that has to do with the fact that I’m awake. Try doing something when you’re asleep. It’s almost impossible except if you count what you do in your dreams, like having sex with raccoons and then the face of one of them turns into your boss and you’re like, “You better be wearing a fucking condom!” and then you wake up. This article focuses on what I do after I fuck my racoon boss and am what we call, “conscious.” As soon as I wake up, I follow a simple 30-minute routine. This is it:
Open your eyes. Visualize whatever you see. There it is. Right in front of you.
Check to see if your penis is still there. It is? Then keep going.
Are you sure your penis is there? Feel for it. Be absolutely positive on this because if you wake up with no dick then pretty much everything else that day is ruined.
Check for your other vital organs. If you got really drunk with those Korean guys again, they could have stolen your kidneys. Are you in a bathtub with ice in it? No? Good. Are you bleeding or do you have any holes in your body where someone may have taken something out? Keep checking.
Raise your body slowly. Like you’re getting out of a coffin or something. Sit up completely. Look around. Do you recognize the room? No? Then where the fuck are you?
Figure out why you are chained to the bed. Did you do it to yourself because you’re a werewolf or whatever? Or did someone else do it? Check under the bed to see if someone’s there, but only if the chain is long enough for you to reach under.
Does your hand meet someone else’s hand under the bed? Are you touching a body or something? Call out and say, “Hey man, where am I? Who are you?”
When the guy crawls out from under the bed, see if he’s dressed as a clown. If so, you may have been “clown-fucked.” Take a second to deal with that reality.
Negotiate for your release. Be really sincere if you can. There may be a lot of back and forth here, and the clown may get really jittery, like he’s on drugs or something and he’s not really paying attention to what you’re saying.
See if you can lure him close enough to strangle him with your chain. This gives you a ton of leverage in the negotiation process.
Anyway, I swear by this routine and feel it gives me the juice I need to go on with my day. Try it. Maybe it will work for you too. I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer writes things for the Intergalactic Business Report. You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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