 It may actually be a good idea to tell this guy he has a small penis. We usually make decisions based solely on whether something sounds like a terrible idea or not. But new outcomes research reveals that you should probably reconsider what you used to think was a bad idea. Because it may actually be a great one. Below we list five typical bad ideas, whose real outcomes will surprise you. BAD IDEA ONE: You and your friends have had too much to drink and decide to have a contest to see who can do the absolute dumbest thing that will ruin your life forever. The winner will receive seventeen dollars and a coupon for 50% off at a hair salon where hot women are supposed to cut your hair, but they’re not really hot at all. YOUR FEARS: Because you are so drunk, you fear your idea will not be as good as one of your friends, specifically Phil Ratuliak, who is the absolute dumbest piece of shit friend you have. Phil will almost certainly come up with a better idea than yours. ACTUAL OUTCOME: Phil decides to actually cut off his nut sack and wins the contest immediately. You are out three dollars and fifty-eight cents (your contribution to the award money) and you really need a haircut, will have to pay full price, and probably get it cut by the one guy they had to hire because if they didn’t they’d legally be considered a brothel (or something like that—you’re not a lawyer). While all of this sucks, you still have your nut sack. So, good news. BAD IDEA TWO: You decide you need a new profession, and you’ve always been fascinated by witchcraft and voodoo. So you fly to Haiti with the hope of being an apprentice to whoever can cast spells and make people into zombies. YOUR FEARS: Since you know nothing about any of this stuff, other than it seems really cool, you fear you will be made into a zombie yourself, or at least get mugged. ACTUAL OUTCOME: Instead of becoming a zombie, you meet seven people who will become your best friends for the rest of your life. The only downside is that your life ends that weekend, when they kill you in a human sacrifice ritual. But how many people can say they have not just one, or two, but seven best friends? BAD IDEA THREE: While at a gym, you decide to mock the super strong looking dudes who have much bigger bodies than you. YOUR FEARS: You think that if you tell those guys to go fuck themselves and suggest that they work out all the time because they have small penises, they will fight you. ACTUAL OUTCOME: They kick the living shit out of you. But the upside is that you never have to work out again because of the trauma from the event. When your doctor tells you that you need to exercise, you tell him the story and he has to shut his stupid mouth and let you get fatter. Win. BAD IDEA FOUR: You have a headache and decide to perform emergency brain surgery on yourself. YOUR FEARS: You are afraid that by doing surgery on yourself, and with no medical training whatsoever, you may mess up and make yourself into some kind of zombie or creature that kills people because it’s brain is fucked up. You also question whether this is an actual emergency because you just have a minor headache. ACTUAL OUTCOME: You don’t even know the outcome, because the last thing you remember is making the decision to perform emergency brain surgery on yourself and then… BAD IDEA FIVE: You decide to have extensive plastic surgery so that you resemble a human squirrel. YOUR FEARS: You question this decision for three reasons. One: the surgery will eat up your entire life savings and also put you in debt. Two: you will look like a freak for the rest of your life. Three: you’re not really into squirrels. ACTUAL OUTCOME: The procedure is not totally successful because you use a doctor who does the surgery in international waters on a tugboat. You don’t really look like a squirrel in the end and you are a hairy freak who people mistake for a bigfoot-type creature. But, while you are hunted by crypto-zoologists and guys who just want to make rugs out of your fur and mount you on their walls, you are kind of a celebrity. Which is good, right?  Whether it’s the Myers-Briggs test, astrology, or the advice of a hobo who’s attended the school of life, there is consensus that there are many different personality types. Until now. Breaking new evidence presented to the Intergalactic Business Report suggests a new trend in human personalities that could spell doom for those who want to live in a world where people aren’t all the same. Below, we provide the highlights of our two-thousand thirty-six page report, which show we are headed to a new era, where only two kinds of people will survive. 1. Soon everyone will either be a total asshole or someone who’s a pretty big dick, but not a total asshole… yet… In other words, there will soon be no one left who’s not a dick or asshole, and those who aren’t total assholes will be working on becoming them as soon as they can, mostly by observing and learning from the total assholes. 2. For many years, you had to really get to know people before deciding whether they were a total asshole or not. Today, it is much easier to determine, almost immediately. It will be even worse though, when people begin to simply announce that they are total assholes and even wear tee shirts and have tattoos signifying this. 3. The people in the “pretty big dick but not a total asshole" category will still be self-aware enough to realize they are dicks, but they will still choose to become total assholes anyway. Most of them will say things like, “Yeah, I know I’m kind of a dick,” and then they’ll compare themselves to a total asshole and say, “But I’m not like Tony at least.” Then, when you see this dick next week, he’ll be hanging out with Tony and they’ll both be total assholes. 4. All of this means that after the near future, we will all finally assume one personality type and be a planet of 100% total assholes. We decided not to go with this in our headline, because this is at least ten years away and we don’t want to jump ahead too much. 5. To accelerate the vision for a 100% asshole planet, the total assholes will initiate a judgment day scenario in which the “pretty big dicks” will need to choose between staying who they are and committing to being total assholes. They will, of course, all choose to become total assholes. 6. Finally, in the far future, Aliens will visit our planet and then report back to their mother ship. The report will simply be: Planet Earth, what a bunch of total assholes.  Which one is the death fruit? We won't tell. In a recent statement to the Intergalactic Business Report, a leading doctor* has issued a warning to anyone who will listen, and it may be one of the scariest and mind-bending pronouncements about a piece of fruit you will ever know or hear. Below are nine crucial details, which we are rushing out to you now: 1. While the doctor will not reveal the fruit until you click on his Web advertisement, we can assure you that this fruit is not only harmful to you, but could also set off a chain of catastrophic events that could alter the universe. 2. The doctor made it clear to us that he is actually begging you not to eat the fruit. This begging includes getting on his knees, crying, and trying to kiss your hands in a submissive attempt to get you not to eat it. 3. If you order this doctor’s book/video/app, you will be saved from this fruit. If you don’t, there will be a judgment day scenario, in which those who have bought his book/video/app will be saved and those who have not will perish in unspeakable ways while they clutch the deadly fruit, not knowing it is the cause of their demise. 4. This fruit has a common name that you will recognize, but it really should be called, “piece of shit death fruit.” 5. Every time a human being takes a bite of this fruit, a new tear forms in the corner of the doctor’s eye. He loves us that much. 6. If you order an edible arrangement and this fruit is part of it, it will ruin all the other fruit by actively rubbing up against them. It’s that evil. 7. In high school, this fruit was considered popular and cool, but after graduation, people started realizing it was a total psychopath and just enjoyed making people miserable. In the end, this fruit had no real friends and everyone who came in contact with it entered immediately into a toxic relationship from which they needed to escape. 8. The devil had a chance to name this as his favorite fruit, but he was like, “No way,” because even he’s terrified by it. 9. If you eat this fruit and think it tastes good, then you are probably eviler than the devil (see above). The good news is you can now begin your reign in hell. *Some guy on the internet.  There are some facts we just take for granted. Dogs are mammals, apples are fruit, and your mom enjoys sex with random strangers. But a new study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report has revealed that some of our most cherished myths are actually totally false and the opposite of true. Below, we examine nine of them that will have you standing up and shouting, “No way!” again and again, till you are finally put down by a SWAT team. 1. Our sewer systems are controlled by crocodilian people who come out at night to steal our babies. FALSE. While the sewers are probably controlled by a race of creatures that resemble lizards, it is unclear if the reason they leave their lair is to steal our babies or whether they just go out searching for other stuff, see one of our babies, and then say, “Look! A baby. I think I’m going to take it.” 2. You will only use 28 numbers in your whole life, so learn those and stop studying math. TRUE. But it is unclear what those numbers are. We believe they are probably numbers one through twenty-eight. 3. Elf penises are invisible. FALSE. Not according to your mom, who has seen hundreds of them. 4. Celebrities who do Proactiv ads do it solely for the money. FALSE. They do it because they love you. 5. The term “sup player?” is something non-douchebags say. FALSE. 6. Wearing your underwear on the outside of your pants makes you a badass. TRUE. 7. Athletes who wear the number 69 are good at 69ing. FALSE. Trust us on this one. 8. Only managers at crappy retail stores still say, “Homey don’t play that” to their employees. FALSE. Managers at many other crappy stores say this as well. 9. If you have sex in a hot tub, you can’t get pregnant. TRUE. Why do people keep questioning this one? Hot tubs are “safe zones” where you can do whatever you want with no consequences.  If you’re like most people, you’ve probably tried to improve yourself by reading a self-help book or even attending a seminar that promised to give you focus, purpose, and strength. Or, you didn’t. The Intergalactic Business Report delved deep into the self-help industry, testing each claim for validity. We discovered that everything you’ve been told about improving your life is totally false. Read these seven self-help claims and compare them to the truth. CLAIM ONE: You will never be able to truly love someone until you truly love and accept yourself. TRUTH: False, unless by “love” you mean “having sex." In that case, you can easily “love” other people. You can love them hard. CLAIM TWO: The worst thing you can do is worry what other people think of you. TRUTH: We tried this and found it isn’t the worst thing. In fact, according to law enforcement we encountered, it’s actually a very good thing to worry about since we took our pants off and walked through a mall screaming, “I don’t care what any of you motherfuckers think!” CLAIM THREE: Relationships with family and friends are the most important thing in life. TRUTH: We tried having really good relationships while suffocating ourselves and found that without doubt, the most important thing in life is breathing. In fact, it’s not even a contest between that and good relationships and whatever. CLAIM FOUR: Take care of your body. Exercise and good nutrition can help you stay focused and happy. TRUTH: This sounds good until you get focused on a deep-fried Twinkie, which quickly becomes your only source of happiness. CLAIM FIVE: Turning to drinking as an escape is bad. TRUTH: Unless you wake up on someone’s private jet headed to his private island because you got trashed with him and he’s your new best friend. CLAIM SIX: Open communications with your spouse or partner will strengthen your relationship. TRUTH: True, but only if you’re talking about weird sex stuff you want to do. In all other cases, it’s boring and generally sucks. CLAIM SEVEN: There is a powerful force within you that, when unlocked, could bring you to your full potential. TRUTH: This one is probably the closest to truth, but we found that the powerful force is only unlocked by being sloppy drunk and if “full potential” is interpreted as finding a Taco Bell that’s still open and throwing up on a prostitute. |
AboutInsights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders. Archives
July 2024
Categories |
RSS Feed