 Not Ed Mountaineer If the past few years have proven anything, it’s that science is truer now than at any other time in human history. Skeptics will say it is impossible to measure this truth compared to times when the truth wasn’t measured, say, a million year ago, when our planet was but a blip of blue light in space, gasping for air and asking the universe to please, please, please make me whole.
But that’s history, both literally and figuratively, and thus begins my column for Earth Day 2022. Because of past articles I’ve written that have been described as obsessive, stalkerish, and mentally inept, I challenged the Intergalactic Business Report to allow me to write a scientific, intellectual treatise that would stand up against the very best magazine writing in the world. This is it. Remember, that unlike other “good” writers, I’m able to do this while holding my penis like a gun. Segue. We are all holding our penis like a gun and pointing it at Mother Nature and she’s like, put that down, we can talk about this, and we’re like, no, give me your purse. The question is, what’s in that purse? How much do we want before it’s enough? This is a brilliant analogy. Thank you. The one flaw is that it has to do with a penis and some people don’t have one. However, if you have a vagina, you are, scientifically, able to shoot ping pong balls at people with it. So, let me re-write that analogy a little and say that we are all holding our vagina like a ping pong shooter and pointing it at Mother Nature and whatever I said after that. I’ve been criticized for my obsession with Ryan Reynolds, but I did not mention him once, except to say I didn’t mention him. I also didn’t mention having sex with funnel cakes so hate on that, haters. I’m done writing now. Good bye. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at ed@intergalacticbiz.com. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  If you’re traveling anywhere, locals and other tourists will play a game in which they guess where you’re from. That game becomes more complicated when they need to determine which one of you is American and which one is the uncanny valley version of us known as Canadians. The Intergalactic Business Report gives you the definitive way to tell who’s what, below:
You are broadcasting your “Americanness” if any of these pertain to you: 1. You carry a U.S. passport. 2. When people ask you where you’re from, you say, “America” or “the United States.” 3. On your driver’s license, it lists an address in the United States. 4. You have a driver’s license, and it’s from a state in the United States. 5. When you go home at night, and you’re not in a foreign country, the place you go is in America. 6. You’re not allowed to vote in any country other than the U.S.A. Seven dead giveaways you’re a Canadian citizen: 1. You carry with you an unwarranted and unearned smugness and superiority that stifles the air around you. 2. You act and sound like an American until you don’t and the air suddenly stinks of unearned smugness and superiority. 3. You’re a beloved American actor/comedian. 4. Like the devil, you confuse Americans by acting like you’re one of us, but actually you’re the devil. 5. You act like Ryan Reynolds. 6. Ryan Reynolds acts like you. 7. Despite your fragile features and porcelain doll arrogance, you are able to drink normal people into oblivion, as they fall off their bar stools and remember only the whiff of unearned smugness and superiority in the air before they black out. |
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