Even though you think you're just notifying your team about important events and issues, you may be inadvertently offending them and putting yourself in a bad light. Before you hit “send” make sure you’re not subjecting them to any of these commonly sent emails.
TO: OFFICE LISTSERVE
FROM: Phillip Ratuliak
SUBJECT: Suck my dick
I invite everyone to meet me on the patio outside our building at 4:00 p.m. to suck my big old fat dick. No makeups or rainchecks.
TO: SENIOR STAFF
FROM: Phillip Ratuliak
SUBJECT: My nut sack
Dear Senior Staff:
You may know that I’ve been working here for seven years now, and during that time, I have come to the conclusion that all senior staff members should take my hairy nut sack and wear it on their face like a mask.
Phil Ratuliak, Director of Digital Marketing
TO: OFFICE SUPPORT STAFF
FROM: Phillip Ratuliak
SUBJECT: Administrative assistants' day
Dear Administrative Assistants,
Sorry for showing you all my balls at the last staff meeting. Having said that, if you did see my balls, and you were into it, even a little bit, please contact me privately and do not "reply all" to this email.
TO: JANITORIAL STAFF
FROM: Phillip Ratuliak
SUBJECT: My trash can.
Dear Semen Sweepers:
I noticed my office wasn’t cleaned last night. So tonight, you motherfuckers better empty my fucking trash can, vacuum my floor, and spray some cleaning shit all over the room or I’m gonna take a dump on my boss’s floor and say you did it. Yeah, that’s right. You always wondered who shit on his floor last year. That was me. Ha ha ha.
Now clean my fucking office.
Phil Ratuliak, Room 412.
Not everyone has the guts to be a swinger. But if you feel like you have what it takes, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you 13 phrases you need to learn now.
1. “I’ll make the margaritas. You guys get undressed.”
2. “Do you want another taco? Or do you want to keep having sex?”
3. “I used to have a six pack. Try picturing that while you have sex with me.”
4. “Why’s everyone here so old? Is anyone under sixty?”
5. “Sorry. I’m having trouble getting an erection. Would someone try not to look so unattractive that I can’t get a boner?”
6. “See you guys at work tomorrow.”
7. “I need a minute. I’m trying to reach a state where I’m drunk enough to have sex with all the nasty people here but also sober enough not to need my stomach pumped.”
8. “Don’t we need even numbers for this to work?”
9. “Who’s that guy? He wasn’t here when we started.”
10. “I think I’m just going to watch for a while and think about the decisions I’ve made in my life that have led me here.”
11. “If a genie appeared and granted me three wishes, my first one would be to not be the kind of person who would be here.”
12. “Save me a seat at church tomorrow, Randy.”
13. “Why are there no women here?”
Massive scientific study. Cedric Bigglestone says, “Hey, my friend,” to someone who isn’t his friend.
In a radical experiment based on science, I decided to call people who aren’t my friends my friends. What happened changed the way I think about life and also science, which is what my experiment was based on.
Part one. I say, “Hey, my friend,” to some guy I don’t know at all.
In a Target parking lot, I saw a man getting out of his car, so I got out of mine too and approached him rapidly, as if I were a trained assassin, going after my kill but instead of killing him, I didn’t at the last second. His reaction was odd, to say the least. He stepped back, as if avoiding a collision with me, which made me stumble forward and fall into a car nearby.
He asked if I was O.K. and I said, “Hey, my friend, thank you for asking. I’m fine.”
Instead of saying, “Who the fuck are you? I don’t know you! You’re not my fucking friend!” he simply said, “Good. You be careful now.”
What? He didn’t even question why someone who wasn’t his friend had called him his friend? Misery and confusion immediately crossed my knowledgeable and noble face.
Part two. I consider what I would have done if someone who wasn’t my friend tried to act like he was my friend.
In a scenario that I played out in my mind, I imagined the same man from the parking lot doing the same thing I had done to him and how I would have handled the situation. I decided quickly that I would have assaulted him out of fear and disgust for his familiarity. What the fuck was he thinking saying all that to me? And he had almost run right into me, like a trained assassin.
Part three. I confront the man inside Target.
As if he didn’t expect it to happen, the man seemed very surprised that I was following him through Target and waiting for my opportunity to tell him just what I thought of his poor behavior.
I waited at the end of aisles for him, but he would see me and go the other way. Then I threw a jar of peanut butter at him and he walked really quickly in the other direction, almost like a girl or coward. I raced towards him but stopped right before I made contact, just showing him my teeth and seething as I said: “I’m not your friend….”
Part four. The experiment ends with mixed results.
Local security-type people ended up interfering in my scientific study and this may have affected my final results. I do think the man learned his lesson, but I also think he will probably do the same thing again to someone else, maybe at a Costco or Walmart. The fact that he was unable to discern between a stranger and a friend made me finally understand that I was brought to this Earth with special abilities no one else has. This is really not that man’s fault, therefore, and I have decided to forgive him.
My forgiveness, however, comes from the part of my brain that shows compassion and makes me want to pet dogs. The much larger, logical part of my brain makes me do scientific equations and diagnose the chemical makeup of whatever you flash in front of me while I wear a blindfold. Today, the small section of my brain beat the big one and the man from Target will be forever indebted to it.
In conclusion, science is true and we should really care more about what it’s telling us, even when we are just walking through a Target parking lot. In fact, use that as the piece of wisdom that guides you through the next five years of your life. In the meanwhile, I will continue my struggle against compassion and emotion and bring you scientific studies that you can actually understand. You’re welcome in advance.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Have trouble sleeping? Use these 6 tricks developed by top secret agents to fall asleep in under one minute. Try them tonight and sleep tight.
1. Masturbate picturing yourself having sex with another version of yourself and your grandmother handing you stuff while you do it. This will turn your mind off within sixty seconds because it becomes so disturbing that you basically faint.
2. Drink so much that you feel like you’re going to pass out. When you reach that point, just start counting down from one minute.
3. Punch yourself in the face for sixty seconds.
4. Get someone else to punch you in the face for sixty seconds.
5. Close your eyes and pretend you’re in a canoe floating down a river. Then open your eyes and take a highly illegal sleeping pill that knocks you out immediately.
6. Shoot yourself with a tranquilizer dart or have a friend “hunt” you and yell, “Barry got out of his cage! Tell the other zookeepers!” Make sure he shoots you before a minute passes.
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