 Scientists doing science. In its deep commitment to scientific inquiry, the Intergalactic Business Report often examines trends in human knowledge and technological advancement. Lately, these advances seem exponential and new discoveries and understanding of the universe, medicine, and the power of artificial intelligence are giving us ideas and possibilities we, until now, have never considered.
To illustrate this massive change in thinking, we interviewed top scientists to ask them what questions they have never asked before that they find themselves asking today. We list them all below: 1. “Are you seriously paying for my drinks so I will talk to you?” 2. “There’s something about you that’s off. Are you mentally ill?" 3. “You just approach people in bars and ask them if they’re scientists?” 4. “So, because I’m wearing glasses you think I’m a scientist?” 5. “You clearly don’t have any money, so I’m assuming you’re not paying for my drinks, right?” 6. “Are you seriously asking me if I’ll buy you drinks?” 7. “Could you please leave me alone?” 8. “What is wrong with you?” 9. “Is there someone I can contact, like a government agency, that will come pick you up?” 10. “Do I just need to call the cops?” 11. “Will you stop bothering me?” 12. “How drunk are you?” 13. “Did you just take your pants off?” 14. “Oh my god, you seriously just took your pants off in the middle of a bar, didn’t you?” 15. “Is someone going to stop him?” 16. “Are the cops coming?” 17. “What are they going to do with him?” 18. “No, officer, he didn’t actually touch me but I’m pretty sure he was going to?” 19. “He said he was a writer for something called the Intergalactic Business Report. Have you ever heard of that?” 20. “Oh my god. Is he running?”  Your written communication can make a lasting impression on colleagues, employers, clients, and customers. Don’t blow it by using weak language. The Intergalactic Business Report gives you 12 power phrases you should add into every important missive you send.
Get smart and start writing with passion and power. Slip these into your next cover letter or email and get the respect you deserve. 1. “I’m pretty sure I’m god or something, so read this like it’s the bible.” 2. “If this seems like gibberish it’s because I’m gifted and you don’t understand talent.” 3. “Did you even graduate from high school, you stupid motherfucker? I did. I graduated. I totally did. Can’t prove it because I lost the diploma thing. You don’t know my life. Fuck off.” 4. “You think you’re better than me?” 5. “You’re lucky I can’t jump through this page and beat your ass.” 6. “I write. You read. That makes you a bitch.” 7. “Don’t mistake my writing to you as friendship. That’s something I reserve for people who suck my dick. Do you accept my offer of friendship?” 8. “Re-read that last line! Re-read it, motherfucker!” 9. “Penis. I wrote that.” 10. “Where did you learn to read? Elementary school?” 11. “I’m going to give you three seconds to read this letter. Three, two, one, light him up.” 12. “I wrote this for myself. Not for you. Why are you reading my private thoughts?” Sample letter: Dear Jeff: I’m pretty sure I’m god or something, so read this like it’s the bible. I wanted to touch base with you about the Martins account before our upcoming meeting. By the way, don’t mistake my writing to you as friendship. That’s something I reserve for people who suck my dick. Do you accept my offer of friendship? I can’t hear you. Why aren’t you answering me? You think you’re better than me? You’re lucky I can’t jump through this page and beat your ass. The Martins account represents our opportunity to finally break into the European market and I’m sure you’ll agree that our presentation to them has to be on point and flawless. To that end, I’ve arranged for… Wait a second. Why are you reading my private thoughts? I wrote this for me. Not you. King ding dong! Rip the fart, Judy! Still of the night. Zowie, homes! If that sounds like gibberish it’s because I’m gifted and you don’t understand talent. Let’s get this straight. I write. You read. That makes you a bitch. Did you even graduate from high school, you stupid motherfucker? I did. I graduated. I totally did. Can’t prove it because I lost the diploma thing. You don’t know my life. Fuck off. Where did you learn to read? Elementary school? Penis. I wrote that. Re-read that last line! Re-read it, motherfucker! In closing, I think it’s imperative that we speak to the Martins people about how we can offer them higher quality services than our competitors. I believe we do this by, are you even reading this? I’m going to give you three seconds to read this letter. Three, two, one, light him up. Money, bitches, mint chocolate chip ice cream, Devon |
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