Morality. It’s a thing. And at the Intergalactic Business Report, we believe in it. That’s why we began requiring our team to adhere to strict guidelines when it comes to their personal lives that are, we believe, extensions of their work lives and reflect upon us.
To be honest, the “morality clause” thing started when we learned that a cast member of “Pawn Stars” was let go because it turned out she was super hot and there were some nude photos of her. From the super hot Vanessa Williams who had to give up her Miss America crown because she had naked pics, to super hot high school English teacher Olivia Sprauer, it seemed that every time there were rules or standards for morality in place, some hot chick broke them. We believed strongly that if we could just enact our own decency codes, we would be able to produce our own hot chick to defy them.
Instead, we may have to fire our own Cedric Bigglestone and others who immediately broke almost all our rules and instead of being super hot women, were not. Below we cite the list of offenses.
MORALITY RULE: No active work as a “porn star.”
HOW IT WAS BROKEN: Although it was only fruit sex, Cedric Bigglestone was able to start his own channel, claiming that in the future he would have real people and not just fruit. He then tried a thing where he found fruit that looked like celebrities but they didn’t really and he would yell at the camera and say shit about using your imagination better. And then the channel kind of just stopped after a while. But he did it, so morality code broken.
MORALITY RULE: No podcasts or radio broadcasts where you pretend to felate objects your listeners send you.
HOW IT WAS BROKEN: Cedric’s podcast, “I suck your objects,” lasted one episode and it was doubtful that listeners had actually sent anything to him since he had zero listeners. Except for Human Resources, that is.
MORALITY RULE: No suggesting publicly that you have sex with fruit or cats.
HOW IT WAS BROKEN: Everyone has made a joke about or expressed a fantasy about fruit or cat sex but saying it publicly is the issue. We set the parameters at it being fine if two or three people heard it but not if any number over four did. Cedric Bigglestone started talking about fucking a watermelon to three colleagues one day and then a fourth one walked in and heard it too. That’s when we cuffed him and led him out of the office.*
MORALITY RULE: No erotic dancing for money.
HOW IT WAS BROKEN: We felt strongly that Geoffrey, an intern, was dancing suggestively for us even though he claims he has a physical disability. Looked like sexy dancing to us.**
MORALITY RULE: No saying, “I’m a prostitute. I will suck your dick in the office bathroom for $75.”
HOW IT WAS BROKEN: This was actually a company password used to confirm someone was an employee. There were times at office retreats when everyone was asked to shout this. And management would say stuff like, “We can’t hear you!” and then they would shout it louder and then one of us would try to pay one of them seventy-five dollars. So we are all kind of guilty of this one.
MORALITY RULE: No showing your snatch on t.v.
HOW IT WAS BROKEN: We decided that the internet was not “t.v.” so unless a network is ready to greenlight a show where Cedric Bigglestone holds his iphone camera over his “snatch” for two hours, he’s safe.
*We have since learned that it is “illegal” to cuff employees and do anything afterwards with them.
**Yeah, Geoffrey, according to “doctors” has something that makes him look like he’s sexy dancing. Our bad. It’s not like we were paying him anyway.
The Intergalactic Business Report’s fitness expert, Jonny Ripkin, creator of the Shred and Fed Diet, has some extremely hot advice about how you can use this winter to get in the best shape of your life.
WHO AM I?
I’m Jonny Ripkin, and if you haven’t heard of me yet it’s probably because you don’t care about your body. But that’s O.K. Most people don’t, and there’s a very good reason.
THE REASON PEOPLE DON’T CARE ABOUT THEIR BODIES.
Because their bodies look like shit. Think about it. If you had a car that was a pile of crap and could barely run, would you care about it? Or would you just say, “Fuck this,” and light it on fire?
SO, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO ABOUT YOUR PIECE OF CRAP BODY? LIGHT IT ON FIRE?
Woah, hold up. Don’t set yourself on fire just yet, although if you do you will actually lose a ton of weight, super fast. In fact, it’s probably the fastest weight loss method out there. Lighting yourself on fire will literally burn off all the fat on your body.
OTHER OPTIONS, BESIDES SELF-IMMOLATION.
O.K., so the lighting yourself on fire thing is a great plan, but if you want to function as a living human being afterwards, it is problematic. Although, I do have to admit, if you burn yourself to death, you definitely will keep the weight off. It’s like a 0% rate of people who gain pounds after. Not bad. Not bad at all. But there are some more options out there you may want to also look at.
LIKE WHAT? LIKE WHAT OTHER OPTIONS?
I don’t know. Like diets. And exercise. But the more I think about it, burning yourself alive is a pretty damned good way to almost instantly lose weight.
BUT YOU DIE. YOU DIE IF YOU BURN YOURSELF TO DEATH?
Yes. I guess. I mean, who knows, but I guess that would be correct. I’ve never tried it obviously, so I can’t say for certain. But I can say it would make a cool name for a diet plan. Something like Learn to Burn or Burn and Turn (into the person you want to become), or whatever. I need to work on it.
OTHER BENEFITS OF LIGHTING YOURSELF AFLAME.
It’s winter, so people need heat. Sometimes they turn up their thermostats or they light fires. You could go near those people and give them warmth. That would be nice for them.
IS THERE A TRADITIONAL DIET AND EXERCISE PROGRAM TO USE THIS WINTER THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE BURNING YOURSELF ALIVE?
Probably. But I’m kind of stuck on this idea now.
Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
A chiseled chin, striking eyes, and six pack abs may be obvious female attractors, but did you know there are eleven other ways men can appear more desirable to the opposite sex? And that none of them require natural good looks or working out eight hours a day?
The Intergalactic Business Report uses science to outline seven things you can do today to seem far more interesting, sexy, and coveted. Try these quick tips and thank us later.
7 ways to seem more attractive to women.
1. Instead of combing your hair with a brush, try driving a $250,000 dollar sports car.
2. You may not like your nose and feel it’s either too small, too big, or crooked. Did you know your nose will look more symmetrical if you tilt your head slightly to the right as you flirt with a bank cashier when you deposit a 7.5 million dollar check?
3. If your shirt is buttoned all the way to the top, you may be seen as a nerd, but if you unbutton the top two buttons and tell your Yacht captain he can release the bikini models onto the deck, you will appear more refined and sophisticated.
4. French wine is difficult to pronounce, so instead of embarrassing yourself on a date, have a helipad installed on top of your penthouse apartment. Then, when you order and don’t say the name right, you can just pause and say, “I’m sorry, my voice is all fucked up from shouting to my servants from my helicopter. Just pick anything."
5. Bragging can be seen as a sign of insecurity. Science shows that wearing a $40,000 Swiss watch is a silent way to project confidence.
6. Studies show that most women despise a messy house. Therefore, make sure your maid cleans your mansion before you have females over.
7. Lean meats, fruits, and vegetables are the core ingredients of a healthful diet, which doesn’t matter if you’re insanely wealthy. So do that instead.
In its most extensive and far-reaching survey ever, the Intergalactic Business Report interviewed women to find out what their biggest turnoffs in a man are. Although a few survey participants listed things like “not offering to pay for dinner” and “not holding the door,” the vast majority named these eleven things over and over. We’ve listed them below.
The top eleven things women say are turnoffs in a partner.
1. He’s really into Darth Vader. But not just really into him. He’s really really into him.
2. His penis is attached to his face.
3. He openly admits to being a serial killer.
4. He flings poo.
5. He opens his mouth and flies come out.
6. He can’t go on a date unless you remove the roof of his house and use the “jaws of life” to extract him.
7. He penis slaps instead of shaking hands.
8. He hunts deer but just to have sex with them. Then he throws them back into the wild.
9. He makes a bong out of your purse.
10. His name is Phil Ratuliak.
11. He only speaks by turning around and pretending his butthole is talking.
Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.